#1
In her sleep she weaves dreams,
Every night, those same scenes;
Where she lives in a cabin, far in them woods
And it's white throughout winter
Just like it should,
But the sun is still shining
And the sky glow in pink,
When a strange sound awakes her,
At the window she blinks.

There are bunnies exploding when falling from trees
But they bleed cotton candy, attracting the bees
And colorful cobwebs are stretched all around,
Surrounding gazelles that keep falling to ground
And raccoons playing "it" with some black and white mice
And red robins cheering, well isn't this nice.

And she wakes, every time,
Forgets dreams melt to life
Yet she cannot allow herself sink to such low,
Because there are places just there, past the snow,
Beyond you and me and all that we know.
This is not a pipe
#2
this is pretty good, but there's quite a few grammatical errors, is this on purpose? you don't strike me as a writer who would make them and i don't want to go through correcting them if they're intentional.

the rhyming in the second stanza was exectued very well with the tone. the first stanza though, i didn't like this part:

And it's white throughout winter
Just like it should,

it seemed forced to rhyme with woods.

it ended very well however, and overall was excellent, which is, of course, to be expected.

just one more nitpick:

Because there are places just there, past the snow,

the second there seems redundant and hinders the flow. i guess that's all, very effective, almost like a nursery rhyme. i really enjoyed this,

holla
#3
wow, you have some grammar errors (they might be intentional)
"far in them woods" should be "far in the woods" them woods sounds elementary....
"sky glow in pink" should be "sky glowing in pink" once again elementary....
"falling to ground" should be "falling to the ground"........
"forgets dreams melt to life" not even really sure what that means...????
other than that, is this supposed to be a poem cause it has a very "alice in wonderland" type of feel, and is there a deeper meaning to it? if there is I completely missed one, so maybe work on conveying the emotion your wanting to bring out a little better.... overall it's not bad, 6/10 just touch it up a little and it will be a decint piece of work, but atleast it is original ; ) crit4crit? link in sig
#4
Yes, it's meant to be childish in a way and so the I wanted the grammar to show that.
I'll see what I can do about the repeatition of "there", and about the forced rhyming, well it's another thing nursery rhymes and childish songs are guilty of.

Thanks for your comments, I'll return the crits soon.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#5
Thems word is pretty fine, their sista. Sumthin I know I could writ if I had the chance.


But seroiously, not really fond of the childish words here, they really don't add to the piece much, at least in a positive way. Overall, it was a slick read, I guess just too slick for my tastes. It just wrapped up too neatly, and didn't leave me in that wonderment like so many I have read from you do.

Stick to sci-fi, girl
#6
i thought this was a pretty good write... the only thing i might add to whats already been said is in regards to how many time you start lines with "and" in the second stanza... they didn't sit well with me...... i think that it would be a lot better and would even help the flow if you took out the "and" before raccoons....... and also L2 in the last stanza i think it should be "forgets that dreams"... i dont think it would hurt the flow to add that word in.

anyways those are my thoughts... good job.

check mine out if you dont mind.
#7
very post-modern nothing really to critique it was well written and had a stable theme i wasnt sure what to make of the feel though was is dreary delighted im not sure
#9
Quote by carmel_l
So no one's really bothered about the exploding bunnies?


I've always been quite fond of that concept ... and anyways... it's a dream right... so really you could right as bizarre of a thing as you wanted and it would be appropriate.... plus it adds to the creativity/originality.