#1
crit4crit


Moths and Marriage.

i'm gushing caruncular epoxides.
so clearly placing rings on her fingers,
you become a
-remove me
with chelation and become mercury-

bride.

consciousness like our cancer recovery,
a paspy nerve through our indifferences,
the correspondences of this
-pouring synths like rain, a homely welcome
to laughs like mountains and her milk white smile-

simple geometry:
a cartesian cesarian, the science of what I'm worth.
Like:
syntax error,
syntax error,
syntax error,
A flower bed catharsis to which I became;
fiberglass filigree fog tunnels we become;
Lepidoptera.
love like a moth.
our love; like a moth.
Opodiphthera eucalypti.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Jan 10, 2007,
#2
I usually always like your stuff. This is no exception. I think it's a bit pretentious, but then again, what isn't pretentious these days? Just a good ol' (anti?)love poem, is what it looks like to me. I can't help but be reminded of Cedric Bixlar with this one, though.

Mines in my sig, if you're not too busy.
Wade in the water, child.
#3
I figured I might try to expand on my older style of abstraction versus emotion. I think this is pretty good, but like you said somewhat pretentious but I think I get the point across fairly simply.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#5
well, moths are cool i guess, but you seem to be giving them more credit than they may deserve.

Over all, an interesting read, i hope the half of it I don't really understand has some meaning for you, or I would question your motives on this piece. And the syntax error part seems way too tired. I would get rid of it, but that's just me.
#6
yeah I know, it's kind of a tired piece already. I justed used moths because the **** up your clothes and I've been pissed for awhile because I left a sweater outside and moths ate it.
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#7
^hahaha thats as much inspiration as a guy needs to write poetry.

anyways i think you did excellent on this piece... definitely not something the average person could read.... but then again what does the average person know?

and i personally like the idea of writing about moths... anyways great job.
#8
Quote by bassbeat77
but then again what does the average person know?


Wow. More than you, as you've made abundantly clear. A.sshole.

I almost felt like I needed thick rim glasses to read it, Matt. It felt very learned. The usual pretension was there, but this just seemed rehearsed. I've read better from you.
#9
i'm gushing caruncular epoxides.
so clearly placing rings on her fingers,
you become a
-remove me
with chelation and become mercury-
bride.


First line is a strange way to start, yet uniquely original. Bust out the botany and science terms first line, have to love it. Next suggestion, 'you become a -remove me with chelation and become mercury', possibly change that to, 'you've become my mercury bride, waiting for the chelating.' I just don't like how you've worded it, I like the idea it's a great one. But you just have to put it into understandable terms. This may interrupt your flow/rhyming scheme. Just see what you can do with it.

consciousness like our cancer recovery,
a paspy nerve through our indifferences,
the correspondences of this
-pouring synths like rain, a homely welcome
to laughs like mountains and her milk white smile-
simple geometry:
a cartesian cesarian, the science of what I'm worth


the first 2 lines, I honestly don't like where you've taken it. It's incredibly vague, unclear, and slightly delusional, holding no value I can derive. The next 4 lines though are utterly brilliant, a few grammatical corrections though, 'to laugh', and 'her milky-white smile'. Think that's correct. Good way to end it, though cesarian seems like you forced it in there, still gets the point across of how you'd want it to end.

I won't get to the 'syntax error', I don't like how you have integrated programming code into a song/poem, that has nothing to do with it.

A flower bed catharsis to which I became;
fiberglass filigree fog tunnels we become;
Lepidoptera.
love like a moth.
our love; like a moth.
Opodiphthera eucalypti.


Properly I believe it's a 'flower bed of catharsis that which I became'. 'Fiberglass filigree', once again in the idea of 'cartesian cesarian', you tried it once again, not necessarily as good as the other one. Just don'e like how you've worded the 2nd line, could use a revise I believe.

Now you're ending, you disgusted me honestly with the ending, since I have no idea what you're talking about because I do not know scientific latin words, which I don't care to look up, I take them to reference moths, cocooning possibly? No idea. Just think it could have more of a solid ending, with a thought-revelating idea. But you disappointed me. DAMN YOU! Nice job though, its elegantly brilliant in its complexity. Enjoyed the read, keep 'em coming.