#1
yeah, i write really emo crap, so you don't have to get that across to me, ok? k, thanks. so i'm a repetitive writer and i tend to break out along the lines of love and, depression, OCD, and fictional horror. this is something i wrote that i actually like. ((i'm extremely self-critical, so it's rare that i actually enjoy one of my songs/poems/lyrics and etc.)) this took a long time to me to perfect ((and yeh, i'm ghey, so dont judge me on shit like that)), and no bullcrap, cuz i tend to get pissy and sensitive. if you're gonna insult my work, do it nicely. enjoi it otherwise:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh! dark romance, my name is Sorrow
In these thoughts, they risk my morrow
My face runs thin of blood and wine
The food, I bear, but yet to dine
I'm cold at sleep, I freeze at day
He'll keep me warm without a say
Without the brightness in his eyes
I'd see not else but my demise
His Puritan feelings go past my being
Nothing is worth it, just like I'm seeing
My legs grow number, my veins stretch thinner
And yet I sit here to stare at my dinner
No bread can fill me, no wine feeds my thirst
Nothing but his face: the presence I've cursed
My mind goes blank; my pupils: dilated
My only happiness becomes only abated

Oh! these softer ears, his pleasant touch
A filling coordinate of destiny, such
I had dreamed upon in dream
But that just seems to be all it seems
Nothing is everything, yet, everything is one
For with pure love and anguish, it'll never be done
I think through the music, I wish through the thought
I kill all the wishes because I’ll not get what I want
In the end of the day; the scent of the night
Where I lay myself (sleeping), in the region of fright
I awaken in reverence, but that respect's bid adieu
For in the dark of my room, I know what I must do
I grab my stiletto, I stab the great, thin:
The paper dressed handsome is now ripped in ten
I burn all the pieces; amber in his face
This is one dark portrait that I'll never embrace

Oh! sweet regret I've felt so
The agony I'm feeling shall never let go
My eyes just close tighter; my mind continues racing
All the jealousy I wander, all this desire I'm facing
I count myself to sleep: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven
I only end up opening my eyes again at the sudden count of eleven
Oval shapes and crystal forms, all in the shape of his
Corrupting me insomniacally to find out what maniac I find 'tis
Silver pleasures monotone in the speakers
My patience runs thinner and my hope's even weaker
Shaving the artful with my sword's sharp joint
I slash at the open to discover this point
The open-slit measure introducing the change
A systematic format in which I had framed
A once drawn picture, a portrait of such love
But in the end of it all, it was just taken care of

Oh! pristine agony and the empathy you lack
I feel for myself as I feel for my slack
The lack of this person that I wish to meet
That one day I'll find to sweep me off my feet
Just as I feel this, I feel he's the one
But in such a joke he'll only make fun
He's not the one; I just wish he was
But this force of emotion is all I can judge
I am alone in this urban world, the only one of my class
My race unknown but to a few and to him it's just but a pass
I'll keep him aside for now, or just always
But all these emotions are the burden, of all things
I feel so unwanted; I feel just so wrong
The way I'm feeling, I've felt all along...

Oh! null romance, my name is Sorrow
For until I am loved, that name: I will borrow!

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and please report any spelling and/or grammar errors, because i hate those!!!


peace out
#2
I would like to start off by saying wow!

Oh! dark romance, my name is Sorrow
In these thoughts, they risk my morrow
My face runs thin of blood and wine
The food, I bear, but yet to dine
I'm cold at sleep, I freeze at day
He'll keep me warm without a say
Without the brightness in his eyes
I'd see not else but my demise
His Puritan feelings go past my being
Nothing is worth it, just like I'm seeing
My legs grow number, my veins stretch thinner
And yet I sit here to stare at my dinner
No bread can fill me, no wine feeds my thirst
Nothing but his face: the presence I've cursed
My mind goes blank; my pupils: dilated
My only happiness becomes only abated

I like this stanza, it's a great opened, particularly the very first line. I like the themes about food and drink not being enough to satisfy your deeper desires. The only things I would suggest is altering the last line of this stanza, merely because you used the word "only" twice. That's not to say it's a bad line, I just think it'd run better without one of them. Also, I don't think "number" is a word, other than 1,2,3 - number... Try "my legs feel more numb, my veins grow thinner" perhaps?

Oh! these softer ears, his pleasant touch
A filling coordinate of destiny, such
I had dreamed upon in dream
But that just seems to be all it seems
Nothing is everything, yet, everything is one
For with pure love and anguish, it'll never be done
I think through the music, I wish through the thought
I kill all the wishes because I’ll not get what I want
In the end of the day; the scent of the night
Where I lay myself (sleeping), in the region of fright
I awaken in reverence, but that respect's bid adieu
For in the dark of my room, I know what I must do
I grab my stiletto, I stab the great, thin:
The paper dressed handsome is now ripped in ten
I burn all the pieces; amber in his face
This is one dark portrait that I'll never embrace

This stanza is a great deal more literal than it's predecessor, and I like that, because it adds an extra dimension to the piece. It gives a more 'real-time' feel, and puts into actions the emotions that are being felt. I know I criticised you for using "only" twice previously, but I liked the "I had dreamed upon in dream", which contradicts my previous point in a sense, but the slight variation on the word helps pull it off. Lyrically, I can relate to the piece so far, with the exception to the stiletto reference. I loved the "amber in his face" reference, because it actually put into my head the image of photographs being burnt, an attempt at destroying memories and acknowledgements of love once felt, and still felt too, I suppose.

Oh! sweet regret I've felt so
The agony I'm feeling shall never let go
My eyes just close tighter; my mind continues racing
All the jealousy I wander, all this desire I'm facing
I count myself to sleep: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven
I only end up opening my eyes again at the sudden count of eleven
Oval shapes and crystal forms, all in the shape of his
Corrupting me insomniacally to find out what maniac I find 'tis
Silver pleasures monotone in the speakers
My patience runs thinner and my hope's even weaker
Shaving the artful with my sword's sharp joint
I slash at the open to discover this point
The open-slit measure introducing the change
A systematic format in which I had framed
A once drawn picture, a portrait of such love
But in the end of it all, it was just taken care of

This stanza returned to the more figurative and subconcious emotions described in the first verse. This is a good thing, because it varies from the verse before, and the variation helps prevent it from getting dull and hackneyed. The reference about patience running thin is one that I, and I'm sure I'm not alone when I say this, have felt. It's like a pain, where you get just as impatient with yourself for not being able to get over someone, as you are with them, because you don't want to have to wait to be with them. I've been there once or thrice.

Oh! pristine agony and the empathy you lack
I feel for myself as I feel for my slack
The lack of this person that I wish to meet
That one day I'll find to sweep me off my feet
Just as I feel this, I feel he's the one
But in such a joke he'll only make fun
He's not the one; I just wish he was
But this force of emotion is all I can judge
I am alone in this urban world, the only one of my class
My race unknown but to a few and to him it's just but a pass
I'll keep him aside for now, or just always
But all these emotions are the burden, of all things
I feel so unwanted; I feel just so wrong
The way I'm feeling, I've felt all along...

A very good final stanza, it basically mocks the whole spectrum of emotion that people go through, without saying that it's wrong. It's easy to be angry, bitter, resentful, jealous, depressed or lonely in a single piece, but rarely are all of these encapsulated under one title. You should be very pleased with yourself. The line regarding the whole situation being a joke really sums up how it can feel, especially if the other person doesn't feel the same, or doesn't even care how you feel. The last two lines of this stanza tie it up very well, basically suggesting that how you feel now has always been the same, and perhaps you subconciously, or maybe even conciously, believed from the start of the situation that your hopes and dreams would be dashed leaving such a result.

Oh! null romance, my name is Sorrow
For until I am loved, that name: I will borrow!

The most perfect two lines I can imagine to wrap up such a superb piece of literary craftsmanship. I don't even know how to explain why I like this part so much, but it's just perfect, it really is.

I only decided to read this piece because it had recieved no replies previously, and I thought I'd read it in the hope I would discover a "diamond in the rough" as it were, and I certainly did. I'm nearly as pleased with myself for finding it, as I am with you for writing it.

I think you berated yourself from the very beginning trying to justify your words and themes to a crowd of potential 'emo-bashers', the only thing I can say to that, if you excuse my French is bollocks. When you write as beautifully as this you needn't justify it to anyone. You should be very proud of these words and this is by far the best piece I've read on the site before, and I've read quite a few. I imagine the length of the piece seemed a bit daunting to other potential critics, but I figured if you've gone to the effort of writing it, someone else should go to the effort of reading it, and I am overjoyed that I did.

Gramatically, if I were going to be pedantic, I would say you need to put commas at the end of most lines, and the first word after exclamation marks should also be a capital, but given the sheer stature of what you have written, I'm more than happy to overlook such things.

Honestly, please don't give up writing, don't apologise for what you write and just try to make everything as beautiful and from the heart as this piece, and I'm sure you will go far. If I were a girl, I'd probably beg you to let me play it. If you record it, I want to hear it, and if you write any other pieces I want to read those too. I hope my critique has supplied you with a confidence boost, and where relevant, I hope it's given you a little guidance, though you don't need much at all.

In short, amazing.