#1
this is my first song so be gentle... jk.


but this is the first lyrics ive wrote as a punk/ska style song.

its faster tempo if that helps with the reading, it helps me crit if i know the genere and the works. but ya.
sounds pretty cool when its sang.... even though i suck at singing


(Chorus)
i know youre staring at
your caller id
you know my number
you know its me

(verse1)
seven failed attempts
i should probably stop trying
with every ring
my hopes are dieing

(verse2)
the first couple times you probably let it ring
then you probably turned your ringer off
answer the phone i know i was wrong
am i supposed to believe that your not home

(chorus)
i know your staring
at your caller id
you know my number
you know its me

(verse3)
if i waited a while
then used star six-seven
you might answer
then then you might hang up

(verse4)
i wish you
would let me speak to you
i just wanna talk
and say im sorry

(chorus)
i know your staring
at your caller id
you know my number
you know its me
Last edited by TonyRandall at Jan 10, 2007,
#2
i like the chorus alot. it speaks to me, cuz i like screening my calls. the rest of it is all right. your second verse doesnt really match the flow of the rest of the song, but i guess thats jsut when io read it. i can see it being cool with music. good job.

darkangel322
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#3
dude this kicks ass first of all I listen to ska/punk and second the lyrics are awesome the only thing I didn't like was the Last line of verse3 it kinda messes up the flow a bit try making it rhyme with seven or something other than that 9/10!
Thanks for criting mine
With an irresistible blend of reggae induced hip-hop and catchy pop-punk hooks, Half Chance Heroes captivates audiences with their unique sound and energetic stage show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8bSU0u8uvM
#4
i know youre staring at staring maybe to strong no real problem though
your caller id
you know my number
you know its me Good i really like this chorus

(verse1)
seven failed attempts
i should probably stop trying
with every ring
my hopes are dieinggood I like

(verse2)
the first couple times you probably let it ring
then you probably turned your ringer off Not to fond of this line if its just like the rest but i think it would sound awsome if right here all sound stopped for like a second
answer the phone i know i was wrong
am i supposed to believe that your not home Nice Sounding words

(chorus)
i know your staring
at your caller id
you know my number
you know its me

(verse3)
if i waited a while
then used star six-seven What i dont under stand
you might answer
then then you might hang up doesnt seem to fit somehowgood verse but i don t really understand it

(verse4)
i wish you
would let me speak to you
i just wanna talk
and say im sorry
I ove this verse its very powerful

(chorus)
i know your staring
at your caller id
you know my number
you know its me

Good Song Keep writing youll get even better over time

peace
Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=501243
#5
the thing that makes this song for me is a chorus most punk songs have a good solid catchy chorus you have achieved this. another good point you have put detail in but still so the reader can relate to what you are saying the only downside that i can see "then used star six-seven" it might just be that i don't understand overall good effort keep writing hope my crit was useful please crit mine
#6
whatever i wanted to say has already been said its got a gr8 flow and verse 4 i loved it. its smooth and simple

thnx for the crit anyway
Hi
#7
lol, sorry about the star six seven thing.... it is like star six nine (wait, do you know what that is?) it is used to make the phone number and caller name not appear on the caller id thingy.

thank you all.
#8
this is my first song so be gentle... jk.


but this is the first lyrics ive wrote as a punk/ska style song.

its faster tempo if that helps with the reading, it helps me crit if i know the genere and the works. but ya.
sounds pretty cool when its sang.... even though i suck at singing


(Chorus)
i know youre staring at
your caller id
you know my number
you know its me
Good catchy chorus, can see the punk ska in it

(verse1)
seven failed attempts
i should probably stop trying
with every ring
my hopes are dieing
Only complaint here is its spelt dying :P petty i know but its a good verse

(verse2)
the first couple times you probably let it ring
then you probably turned your ringer off
answer the phone i know i was wrong
am i supposed to believe that your not home
Dont really like this verse, especially 2nd line, and the 3rd line flows into the 4th line poorly i think. Try sticking to the same verse structure as you used in verse one, short quick lines very good for a ska punk song. And usually there is a distinct rhyming scheme but i dont see one here... Dial tone would rhyme well with home if you want to mess around with that

(chorus)
i know your staring
at your caller id
you know my number
you know its me

(verse3)
if i waited a while
then used star six-seven
you might answer
then then you might hang up
The last line ruins this otherwise great verse

(verse4)
i wish you
would let me speak to you
i just wanna talk
and say im sorry
bit undecided on this verse but its ok i think

(chorus)
i know your staring
at your caller id
you know my number
you know its me

Overall its quite good, i think verse 2 needs to be revised though

Finished your homework yet? :P
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=514134
#10
This isn't a style i really dig all that much man but I think this is a cool song, I like the chorus it's quite catchy. I think you strayed off a bit at the start of verse 2 and the rhyming at the end of verse 3 didn't work that well, but you just need to rhyme the last line of verse 3, and maybe change the word order of the second line in verse 2. It's nothing that can't be fixed man.

Good song man I think punk/ska fans should dig it alot.

Crit myn if you have time?
#11
(Chorus)
i know youre staring at
your caller id I rather like the chorus. Flows nicely
you know my number
you know its me

(verse1)
seven failed attempts
i should probably stop trying It's alright. Nothing special. Flows not so nicely.
with every ring
my hopes are dieing

(verse2)
the first couple times you probably let it ring
then you probably turned your ringer off IMO, the worst part. It's a forced mess.
answer the phone i know i was wrong
am i supposed to believe that your not home

(chorus)
i know your staring
at your caller id
you know my number
you know its me

(verse3)
if i waited a while
then used star six-seven I like this verse. It's the best yet.
you might answer
then then you might hang up

(verse4)
i wish you
would let me speak to you A bit of pity here. I like it.
i just wanna talk
and say im sorry

(chorus)
i know your staring
at your caller id
you know my number
you know its me

Frankly, I kind of liked it. 3.5/5 stars
SAVE THE JAZZ

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