#1
So this is a song i'm writing for my girlfriend for valentine's day. when we first met she was a party girl and i was kind of a homebody, but since we've been together we've both changed to be somewhere in between. the music is very simple for this, i light strum higher notes while i sing but in between each couplet i play a small 8 beat riff...what do you guys think so far?

Sunday Afternoon
well she was friday night
and i was sunday afternoon

chasing after her
was like the sun chasing the moon

she was the cutest girl
that my eyes had ever seen

we thought we knew the world
but we were only in our teens

they...said...it...can't...last
you...might...fly...high
but then you'll crash

well we took the chance
and i put her hand in mine

and i knew right there
that we could pass the test of time

then one moment came
and it seemed to last a year

lying in my arms
she said 3 words i couldn't hear

(no music)she said i love you

(instrumental break 30 seconds or so)

now the years have passed
and we don't claim to know the world

we only know the fact
that i'm a boy and she's my girl

no longer friday night
and i'm no sunday afternoon

instead we share our days
seems like the sun has caught the moon

any criticism is appreciated...except telling me i'm lame, i already know that...i wish i could convey better how it sounds when sung, but whatever
#2
Wow... Thats so touching...

Edit: I re-read what I typed, and it sounds sarcastic, but it isn't meant to be.
#3
wow, i liked it........ alot...

ill give you a full crit as soon as im done with homework.

i swear it.


_______

as promised:

well she was friday night
and i was sunday afternoon

i liked it, made me want to read the rest and get the reasoning behind these lines.

chasing after her
was like the sun chasing the moon

great line, original, puts meaning to the above stanza.

she was the cutest girl
that my eyes had ever seen

a little cleché in way, but it fits here and theres no way to change it that i can see. so that voids the cleche part... good

we thought we knew the world
but we were only in our teens

i like it, states a point, but it almost reverses what the song has said so far.

they...said...it...can't...last
you...might...fly...high
but then you'll crash

this is good, i just dont like "can't" i think it should be "won't" but thats just my oppenion it works well either way

well we took the chance
and i put her hand in mine

i like it, not much to say about it, but i think it should be "she" instead of "i" you know, but thats just like the improvement i stated above. it works both ways.

and i knew right there
that we could pass the test of time

this is good, took a cleché and made it original and work well, again. good job with these lines too.

then one moment came
and it seemed to last a year

this is good, keeps attention to the lyrics very well, i really wanted to read the rest.

lying in my arms
she said 3 words i couldn't hear

this is good, we all know what the three words are. and i especially liket the "i couldnt hear" words. its very good and we can all relate. well those of us that it has been said to, or the ones of us that siad it and got ignored (like that bitch that dumped me on my birthday., sorry im still bitter. )

(no music)she said i love you

this is good, its a separate line, but it goes with the line above.


(instrumental break 30 seconds or so)

i love instrumentals. all my songs have them.

now the years have passed
and we don't claim to know the world

have you been together for over a year or two?
if not i would suggest you leave that out, but it you have it has meaning, and its good. it is starting to make more of a story out of the lyrics with thiss.


we only know the fact
that i'm a boy and she's my girl

this is good. nothing much to say i like it.

no longer friday night
and i'm no sunday afternoon

this is good. good way to start to end the song.


instead we share our days
seems like the sun has caught the moon

i love this. i love it alot, more than my peter. its really good. and a very well written ending


Good job with the lyrics. pm me when its recorded.... i mean it, or ill emurder you. it is a very well written piece. id give it a 9.49/10. 9.5 if you make the changes i suggested. but it doesnt make much of a difference.

and i would be willing to bet that you could sell this for a good piece of change.

lol... some succesfull musician will buy it, most likely a country singer, i could see dierks bently(sp?) singing it.

mind checking out one or two of mine (sig)
Last edited by TonyRandall at Jan 11, 2007,
#4
Nice work, you obviously put a lot of thought and effort into these lyrics...
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#6
well she was friday night
and i was sunday afternoon
chasing after her
was like the sun chasing the moon

--PRETTY COOL OPENING ACTUALLY. I REALLY LIKE IT. NOT SURE WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THE SUN AND MOON THING, BECAUSE HOW I THINK IT, IT SEEMS TO BE THAT THE SUN NEVER ACTUALLY CATCHES THE MOON. IT SOUNDS GOOD, BUT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME.

she was the cutest girl
that my eyes had ever seen
we thought we knew the world
but we were only in our teens

--MORE "PRETTY GOOD" STUFF. THE IDEA IS A LITTLE TIRED, SO I'M HAVING A HARD TIME GETTING INTO YOU'RE VERSION CAUSE IT'S BEEN DONE SO MUCH. HOWEVER, THE STRUCTURE IS GOOD, AND RHYME PATTERN MAKES IT NICE TO READ AND MOST LIKELY A PRETTY COOL SONG.

they...said...it...can't...last
you...might...fly...high
but then you'll crash

--I LIKE THIS ALOT, IT'S SOMETHING THAT I THINK YOU SHOULD EXPAND ON BY A LINE OR TWO, AND CONVERT IT TO THE CHORUS. MAYBE USE IT AGAIN IN THE PEICE

well we took the chance
and i put her hand in mine
and i knew right there
that we could pass the test of time

--Uh YEAH, THIS ISN'T ANY GOOD. NOT ONLY IS MINE/TIME A TERRIBLY OVERDONE RHYME ON IT'S OWN, YOU COUPLE IT WITH "and i put her hand in mine" AND "and i knew right there / that we could pass the test of time" AND IT'S JUST SO ... WELL, TIRED AND OVERDONE.

then one moment came
and it seemed to last a year
lying in my arms
she said 3 words i couldn't hear
(no music)she said i love you

--VERY COUNTRY, AND HEY MAYBE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GOING FOR. NOT REAL SURE YOU EVEN NEED THE LAST LINE, I ALREADY KNEW WHAT WAS COMING FROM THE LINE BEFORE IT.

(instrumental break 30 seconds or so)

now the years have passed
and we don't claim to know the world
we only know the fact
that i'm a boy and she's my girl

--JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY, HOW OLD ARE YOU? IT'S WEIRD, IM READING THIS, AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF THAT IT'S ALRIGHT. I MEAN IT'S JUST KINDA THERE. LIKE YOU'VE COVERED ALL THE "ANIVERSARY WORDS AND MOMENTS" BUT HAVEN'T INLCUDED ANY OF THE TRULY SPECIAL MOMENTS. I THINK THE FACT THAT IT'S SO PLAIN AND VAGUE ACTUALLY HURTS IT. I DUNNO.

no longer friday night
and i'm no sunday afternoon
instead we share our days
seems like the sun has caught the moon

--GOOD IDEA FOR A STRONG ENDING. NOT SURE HOW THE SUN EVER CATCHES THE MOON SINCE THEY DON'T EXIST AT THE SAME TIME, BUT AS FAR AS THE STORY GOES, THIS IS A PERFECT FIT FOR IT.

Hope you get something out of this, and good luck on V-day
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#7
I usually think love songs are lame (although I write them myself) but this one is frickin' AWSOME!!