#1
this is a song ive started
ne help would be nice
on a poss bridge or w.e
sugestions! sugestionS!


gosip runs their their veins
unaware of the pain they cause
Gosip spitting thru their teeth
peircing the nerest one they seek

Doesnt mater who you are
doesnt mater where you come from
doesnt mater waht you do
youll be the victim of this crime

They just go whiping their acid tounge around
playing life as if it was their playground
#2
hey man, im going to bed, but ill be sure to give you a full crit in the morning....


----here you go, as promised----


gosip runs their their veins
unaware of the pain they cause
Gosip spitting thru their teeth
peircing the nerest one they seek
i dont really like this, sorry...

but with work it could bw good,

on the last line (and the line before it)
you need to think of something that can pierce...
spit cant pierce.
and i thnk you should "lies" instead of the second "gosip"



Doesnt mater who you are
doesnt mater where you come from
doesnt mater waht you do
youll be the victim of this crime
i dont like the repitition of "doesnt" but i think its a good staza other than that. not very strong, but decent to say the least.

They just go whiping their acid tounge around
playing life as if it was their playground
i like the rhyme, and i like the concept. i like the way you added the title to the lines where it want mentioned before. but i also think that these two lines alon are better than the rest in your song. sorry.

i think it has potential, but right now, its only a decent piece. but it could be great with some changes and with expansion.

4/10 right now.


sorry if i was harsh, but im not gonna tell you you have an awesome song to make you fell better if you dont...
Last edited by TonyRandall at Jan 11, 2007,
#4
hey thanks for your crit, its okay
i didnt expect it to be all that good
jsut a quiky i did in 15 minutes.
ill make sure i work on it tho
#6
you should use spellcheck or something. it's hard to take you seriously when it's not written properly. i would mostly be restating what Randall said, but the mixed metaphor in the first stanza really hurts the piece. i wouldn't use "pierce" as a metaphor anyway since it's so hard to use it originally. i think you should change "gossip" too. but make it "deception" or something. and in the last line it should be "as if it were"

good luck
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