#1
A new day a new me, a chance to be whatever I want to be
A new (noon) a new night, a chance to change (the) wrong to right
A new (Dawn), a new (life), daylight (breaks) and a new man is born

As I forget the past I leave behind, as bad memories wither and die
I look ahead I don’t look back, the (nightmares) I had fade to black
Go and see what the future holds, leave behind the faded and old
Look and see that I’m changing,
:pause with a short solo:
being reshaped but still not aging
I sit and wonder what my life could be but it’s a new day, there’s a new me.

A new day a new you, some things never change no matter what you do
A new (noon), a new night everything in () life is alright
A new (dawn), a new (life), that leaves you looking somewhat (hopeless)

As I forget the past I leave behind, as bad memories wither and die
I look ahead I don’t look back, the nightmares i had fade to black
Go and see what the future holds, leave behind the faded () old
Look and see that I’m changing,
:pause with a short solo:
being reshaped but still not aging
I wonder what my life could be but it’s a new day, (and) a new me.

It's a chance to become all I want to be, it's a new day there’s a new me.


Plz crit n i will crit for crit, though please leave a link to your song...
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Last edited by Driveshaft Dan at Jan 15, 2007,
#2
the idea is good but my personal opinion "A new day a new you, some things never change no matter what you do
A new day, a new night everything in your life is alright" is a bit repetitive but it shows you have got real talent if you dont agree with me dont worry as i am only starting out myself good luck with future songs keep me posted
#3
Thanks dude, will do...
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#4
You should change "bad dreams" to nightmares because it sounds better. Even though the rhyme scheme is simplistic, it's very clear and easy to understand. It works - that's the bottom line. The only problem I have is that it's kind of vague. I don't know if you want it to be, but it seems very unclear as to why you are a new you. I think if you were to clarify why you are a new you then the meaning would be stronger. Instead you state that it's new day and a new you, but I'm wondering why that is. You don't have to state the obvious, it would just be better if you at least hinted at what changed you from who you were into who you are now.
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#5
Thanks for the advice...and yeah i agree it is a bit vague...glad you liked it overall though..thanks...would be grateful if u wuld crit my other song Some People on page 2 cheers,


Dan
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Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#6
I will have to agree with mightymuffinman, sung in the style of Good Charlotte or even The Used that chorus could be a great rock song.

but if you like your words here ar some slight changes that might help the rythm. but since I don't know your tempo I add things to how I here this song in my head. changes are in parinthesis

note: the "ah"'s are more life a vocalized breath used to connect worths where an extra step is needed,, kinda like a mix between ahh and umm.

"

A new day a new me, a chance to be whatever I want to be
A new (noon) a new night, a chance to change (the) wrong to right
A new (Dawn), a new (life), daylight (breaks) and a man is born

As I forget the past I leave behind, as bad memories wither and die
I look ahead I don’t look back, the (nightmares) will ("ah") fade to black
Go and see what the future holds, leave behind the faded () old
Look and see I’m ("ah") changing,
:pause with a short solo:
being reshaped but still not aging
I sit and wonder what my life could be but it’s a new day, there’s a new me.

A new day a new you, some things never change no matter what you do
A new (noon), a new night everything in () life is alright
A new (dawn), a new (life), that leaves you looking somewhat (hopeless)

As I forget the past I leave behind, as bad memories wither and die
I look ahead I don’t look back, the bad dreams will ("ah") fade to black
Go and see what the future holds, leave behind the faded () old
Look and see I’m ("ah") changing,
:pause with a short solo:
being reshaped but still not ("ah") aging
I wonder what my life could be but it’s a new day, (and) a new me.

It's a chance to become all I want to be, it's a new day there’s a new me.

"

as for the ending I think it is a little bit wierd but nothing is coming to my brain for it.

___________________________________________
apologies for the long winded responses (it comes with the glasses, I swear)
#7
Thanks for the advice, will get onto improving it ASAP, if you leave a link for urs i can crit it if you would like... thanks again,


Dan
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Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#9
so as a matter of opinion im not in to the exact rhyme thing ya know like night and sight in fact most of the time it annoys me but like i said its a matter of opinion so to start thats what i would change there are quite a few occurences in this poem though the idea is fabulous i like the format and the final line to bring it to an end with force
#10
The rhyming scheme you use is really restrictive and cuts into the song at some points where you have just found words that rhymed and thrown them in there (dawn/born for example, it might've come instinctively but it sounds really forced)

By the end of the first stanza i was almost bored by the rhyme scheme.

You picked it up though, i REALLY liked the first verse of the chorus, it caught my attention

As I forget the past I leave behind
mainly this bit, it's good, i'm trying to pick what it is and i think it's the fact that it's the past, but you're leaving it further in the past by leaving it behind, past and behind have a similar meaning and it just seems really cleverly done

Congrats on the line

The rest of the song is the same obviously but it's not a bad piece, as some one said fast punk/pop/rock music would do well for it and Joel Madden's high voice would probably go well

Well done
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#11
Thanks ur comments are much appreciated am currently modifying will post again when song is reformatted....will crit urs 2 asap....
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#12
Hey thanks a lot for your comments on king of the chavs. I'm actually gonna practice it with my band tonight, so if we ever do record I'll send it to you. I really like your song. Are the parts in brackets gonna be screamed or sung by another singer? That would be pretty cool. I really like the "being reshaped but still not aging" line.
#13
Hey thanks a lot for the comments, glad you like it, and yeah i can't w8 to hear king of the chavs, oh yeah the parts in brackets will be sung by our second vocalist....
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#14
Anyone got any other suggestions/comments?...All welcome...
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

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#15
I like it, sometimes people knock the catchy and repetive because it's been done before, but it's just like Ted Nugent said about playing guitar, just because E, A, D, G have been played a million times don't mean that they might not be the right chords that particular moment. It just works, and you don't mess with what works. Keep them coming man and I appreciate the crit on my latest
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#16
Liking this one man, seem to remember I crit one of yours ages back and said it put me in mind of the Foo's, this one as well, seems like a quality thump-along rock track - hope thats what you were going for
#17
yep thats exactly what i was going for.....glad you liked it....will crit yours when i get a chance......
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DISCO IS DEAD!

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#18
Thanks for your comment too Punkrockconcept, i will crit your others when i get a chance....
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

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Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#19
I'm actually going to record this song soon, hopefully it will be done before xmas but i can't make any promises, we have a lot on our plate at the moment, but i will keep every1 posted, any other crits are welcome as well in the meantime!!!

Cheers,

Dan
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!