#1
"One More Sip of Mercury And I'm Done"

I can't keep myself from falling down
Beguiled again and stumbling around
Survey the sky as I lie on the ground
I open my mouth but there's no sound

Chorus
Oh oh
Tip toe
Over such high expectations
Oh oh
So so
Where's my explanation?

Oh oh
Tip toe
Over such high expectations
Oh oh
So so
Where's the provocation?

A premonition that don't make sense
When based on feelings all past tense
There must be something I have missed
What kinda oracle could foresee this

[Chorus]

I looked back as I walked away
I have one more confession if I may
My lips rust and I have nothing to say
This saturninity gets in the way

[Guitar solo]

The temperature in this place isn't rising
But my perspiration is not surprising
Sucking on a thermometer and surmising
This heart won't come out of hiding

[Chorus]

Oh oh
Tip toe
Don't wanna wake the children
Oh oh
So so
Until I see you again

Oh oh
So so
Sir Elton John hates my guts... just ask him... he'll tell you...
#2
you have a decent vocabulary-- a very important aspect of writing good poems/lyrics. but...
you really shouldn't rhyme so much. it becomes distracting and predictable, especially the way/say type of rhymes. i don't think anyone should try to pull off an AAAA rhyme scheme.

i liked the rusting lips part, but "saturninity" was a little too much. i like the fact that you're using a different, more obscure word, but it is somewhat a stumbling block, and i don't think it would sound good in a song.


I can't keep myself from falling down
Beguiled again and stumbling around
Survey the sky as I lie on the ground
I open my mouth but there's no sound

"Falling down"-- good movie-- bad line. i'm sure that 90% of all songwriters have used this. it such a common image that i have almost become numb to the idea. you should definitely change this, but make sure the line doesn't end with -ound.
"stumbling" is also a common image thrown into songs. i like "beguiled" i like "survey" i don't like " lie on the ground" i know it's for rhyming purposes, but if rhyming isn't the first thing on your mind, it will open up much more opportunities. the last line is also a been-there-read-that line.


Chorus
Oh oh
Tip toe
Over such high expectations
Oh oh
So so
Where's my explanation?

Oh oh
Tip toe
Over such high expectations
Oh oh
So so
Where's the provocation?

okay, the "tip toe" thing is good, but the "oh oh, so so" takes away from this. they make it seem a little childish in your delivery. i think you should add to this because, with what you have so far, there is very much here waiting to be released. i did like the "expectation" rhymes.

A premonition that don't make sense
When based on feelings all past tense
There must be something I have missed
What kinda oracle could foresee this

should be "doesn't." never sacrifice grammar for rhyme or flow. i liked the "past tense" part, but it's the same thing with the rhyming.

[Chorus]

I looked back as I walked away
I have one more confession if I may
My lips rust and I have nothing to say
This saturninity gets in the way

as i said above, "saturninity" does actually get in the way. the two middle lines are good, but they make the first line look subpar. it is much less original than the rest. i said it before, but without this rhyme scheme, this could be much better and not as forced.

[Guitar solo]

The temperature in this place isn't rising
But my perspiration is not surprising
Sucking on a thermometer and surmising
This heart won't come out of hiding

didn't like the last line. the rest is good, but "surmising" feels that it is thrown in there just to rhyme. "choking" instead of "sucking," in my opinion, is a stronger image.

[Chorus]

Oh oh
Tip toe
Don't wanna wake the children
Oh oh
So so
Until I see you again

liked the variation to the chorus.

my real problem is the rhyming. most of it seems forced in that the lines don't connect to each other as they should or could. loosening up on your rhyme scheme would really help. you could say what you want much more effectively. you wouldn't be bound be any pre-set determinants.

also i would suggest adding to (and taking away from) the chorus. oh oh so so were bland filler.

overall, i think with experience you'll become a good writer. also, if you need me to elaborate on anything i said, just ask


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My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.