#1
So I have left you guys for quite some time now, I apologies greatly for I have been extremely busy at uni and haven’t really been in a creative mind set. so anyway on with the song. I went back and was looking at my old stuff and came across this and reread the comments and it got me thinking again. so here it is with a major reedit hopefully some of you remember me and this piece so here it goes:


This lake is deep, the water dark
But the surface doesnt, show it all
The crashing waves, and falling rain
Can only be seen, by the constant pain
But you cant see, what’s underneath
The sweet scenery, and stillness peace

A faultless mirror, reflects ones own vanity
Images so blurred., its lost to all humanity
Unknown to others, its about to unravel
Lost by the dawn, and gleaming reflections
whats underneath seems to be excluding
the sweet scenery and stillness peace

Gone before the sun could hold the horizon
another one lost soon after the apparent
Staggering breaths happen-as-
An unexpected crash happens too fast -and-
the crystallized peace was never beneath
the sweet scenery and stillness peace
--------------------------------------

what do you think of that. any comments are welcomed and i will be spending way more time here
thanks
horn82y
Last edited by horn82y at Jan 13, 2007,
#3
first off, i will say that correct punctuation would make this much more understandable and easier to read.


This lake is deep, the water dark
But the surface cant, show it all
The crashing waves, and falling rain
Can only be seen, by the constant strain (or I thinking “pain”?)
But you cant see, what’s underneath
The sweet scenery, and stillness peace

the second line would be better if you took the "but" out and changed "can't" to "doesn't." i didn't like the fourth. it wasn't very clear. i don't think you should rhyme those two lines either. "stillness peace" doesn't make sense since they're both nouns. make it "still peace" or "peaceful stillness"

A fateless mirror, reflects ones own vanity
Images so blurred., its lost to all humanity
Unknown to others, its about to unravel
Blinded by the light, and gleaming reflections
what’s underneath, seems to be over-looked
the sweet scenery, and stillness peace

i have a few problems with this stanza. i'm sorry if i'm reading too much into this. first, "faultless mirror" would make more sense to me.
now, if the mirror reflects a person's vanity, i would describe the images as extremely clear, not blurred. also, since humanity is so used to seeing the blurred images of people, i think that the "clear" image would be lost.
"its about to unravel" what is about to unravel? don't leave the reader guessing as to your references.
"Blinded by the light" is an exremely cliche line. also the lack of correct punctuation make this difficult to understand. if "blinded by the light" is referring to the next line, you should reword the next line so that "blinded by the light" modifies the people and not's what's underneath.


Gone before the sun could kiss the horizon
another one lost soon after the apparent
played like a fool to his money
An unexpected crash happens too fast -and-
the crystallized peace was never beneath
the sweet scenery and stillness peace

i would change 'kiss' to something else, maybe 'feel' or 'hold'. this stanza really does not make sense. the second line has another vague reference (one what?) and 'apparent' doesn't work well here. "played like a fool to his money" don't use "played like a fool" it's an overdone statement. but that whole phrase is confusing.
the fifth line was good (i would definitely keep that) but when it goes to the last line
it gets weird. the last line should refer to the dark water or something. as it is now, you're saying that the peace wasn't under the peace. i would make the last line-- the crashing waves of this faultless (or 'fateless' if you decide to keep it) mirror.

overall, i like what you have but i think it needs work.

just to make what i ha said earlier, this is how i would write the second stanza


This faultless mirror reflects one's own vanity.
The images so clear are lost to all humanity.
Unknown to others, its about to unravel (i don't know what you're trying to say so i'll leave this part to you)
Blinded by the light and gleaming reflections, (but you should change "blinded by the light)
We seem to overlook what lies beneath
The sweet scenery and peaceful stillness.

but i think this could be very good if you work on it
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#4
Quote by horn82y
So I have left you guys for quite some time now, I apologies greatly for I have been extremely busy at uni and haven’t really been in a creative mind set. so anyway on with the song. I went back and was looking at my old stuff and came across this and reread the comments and it got me thinking again. so here it is with a major reedit hopefully some of you remember me and this piece so here it goes:


This lake is deep, the water dark
But the surface cant, show it all
The crashing waves, and falling rain
Can only be seen, by the constant strain (or I thinking “pain”?)
But you cant see, what’s underneath
The sweet scenery, and stillness peace

I like this part, especially the first 2 lines. Im not so sure what you mean in the next 2 lines maybe try to get your point across in a different way? For some reason the last part seems to contradict itself. Like your showing pain, but the next 2 lines seem to show that your at peace. But I guess things arent always what they seem. What did you mean by that?

A fateless mirror, reflects ones own vanity
Images so blurred., its lost to all humanity
Unknown to others, its about to unravel
Blinded by the light, and gleaming reflections
what’s underneath, seems to be over-looked
the sweet scenery, and stillness peace

Theres not much to say about this. I like how you reused the last line

Gone before the sun could kiss the horizon
another one lost soon after the apparent
played like a fool to his money
An unexpected crash happens too fast -and-
the crystallized peace was never beneath
the sweet scenery and stillness peace

the line "Played like a fool to his money" seems a bit bland. I would try to come up with something a bit more creative. other than that its good. I like it



Overall I like this alot,
you used some really good imagery in this peace.
Also I think that it would be much better if you changed the last 2 lines to what you said you were thinking about

Would you mind taking a look at one of my poems?
Someone like you
its in my sig


cheers =)
#5
so thanks for the replies, i did some editing and took some of your advice and made some changes..... but here is what i was giong for in the idea for the song..:

it is kinda about how people keep their feelings and emotions bottled so that no one can see them, and how even when we look fine on the outside it is the inside that is confused. and the last verse is really about the final result (death to soon so thus suicide) and how you know too little to late. i dont know if that helped, but that was kinda my mind set during the writing process. anyway thanks for your advise, i am still leaving it open for another verse because i see your logic to adding one more, and at time is go back and fourth in contemplating both.