#1
crit for crit

sleeping pills for breakfast
nameless thugs for lunch.
by dinner time,
too drugged, too ****ed
to get the hunch.
a glass half full
of cinnamon schnapps
by closing time
too drunk, too ****ed,
too close to the top.

god only knows what she's doing.

sixteen minutes
and fifty-nine seconds
by the stereo.
she moaned, too stoned
to guage the wreck.
when time splits the difference
and the end is thirty two.
by twenty-eight
she droned, too stoned
to get the clue.

rolling in the grass
she's fallen very fast
but she's ok.
playing in the yard
she's fallen very hard
but she's ok.

god only knows what she's doing.
#2
sleeping pills for breakfast heh i love that line/
nameless thugs for lunch.
by dinner time,
too drugged, too ****ed
to get the hunch. Sounds a bit forced what are you trying to say
a glass half full
of cinnamon schnapps
by closing time
too drunk, too ****ed,
too close to the top.Good first verse powerful lyrics

god only knows what she's doing.

sixteen minutes
and fifty-nine seconds
I do not like these two lines they just dont sound right
by the stereo.
she moaned, too stoned This lines nicely done
to guage the wreck. but i dislike this one
when time splits the difference
and the end is thirty two.
by twenty-eight
again this just doesnt sound right
she droned, too stoned
to get the clue.

rolling in the grass maybe change this to something more meaningful
she's fallen very fast
but she's ok.
playing in the yard same as above
she's fallen very hard
but she's ok.

god only knows what she's doing i like this as an ending.


Good song and dont feel the need you have to change any of those things im just an anal rapist when it comes to critting songs

Crit mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=501243
#3
It's ok, not amazing but with a bit of work it could be improved listen to the guy above he seems to have the right idea, and don't forget to change the name if you decide to make a recording of this, God Only Knows is a song by the Beach Boys....
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#4
I really like this. Some of the wording seems weird(I'd have to hear the music and vocal melody to pass judgement), but this has some serious potential and is one of the best things I've read in the lyrics forum. Kudos.
My suggestion to you is to start drinking heavily.--John Belushi

Money doesn't talk; it swears.--Bob Dylan
#5
Hey guys, thanks for the crits. Dan, the current name name is pretty much a placeholder until i think of something clever to go in it's place. Grundy, thanks for the in depth crit, and donkeymaster, thanks for the ego boost, haha.
#7
great lyrics cant think of any music to put with it tho but sounds good with barely noticble hidden messages. (i like these)
Fender Strat '62 With Clapton signal processor and Fender Lace Sensors
Kustom DFX 100 (2x12)
Fender 150W all tube '64 vintage Amp (2x12)
Influences: Black Sabbath, Metallica, Megadeth

Say to Emo's.
#8
Pretty good!
A few lines are a little shaky for me,
But they've been pointed out by the other who have critiqued this sing.
Like HillsideMetal2 said, I can't think of music that would go along with this. A little rewording might be needed to fit this to music, but who knows? That's for you to decide.
Overall, 8/10.

It would be cool if you could crit one or two of my songs, or maybe check out my myspace music page. Thanks in advance, if you have time, and nice work!
#9
thanks again for the crits, everybody. for those who asked what type of music would accompany this, i'm working on an acoustic, Howie Day-esque project. I've updated the lyrics a tiny bit, but there aren't really any major changes. i've also been thinking of a better title for it, and right now my #1 idea is "Too Stoned". That is still very tentative, but it's an idea.

sleeping pills for breakfast
faceless mugs for lunch.
by dinner time,
too drugged, too ****ed
to get the hunch.
a glass half full
of cinnamon schnapps
by closing time
too drunk, too ****ed,
too close to the top.

god only knows what she's doing.

sixteen minutes
and fifty-nine seconds
by the stereo.
she moaned, too stoned
to guage the wreck.
when time splits the difference
and the end is thirty two.
by twenty-eight
she groaned, too stoned
to get the clue.

rolling in the grass
she's fallen very fast
but she's ok.
playing in the yard
she's fallen very hard
but she's ok.

god only knows what she's doing.
#10
I liked it more after the revision. I thought both version were good, but the second is better. I can definitely see this put to music. something like 'Where is my mind' by The Pixies.
#11
sleeping pills for breakfast
nameless thugs for lunch.
by dinner time,
too drugged, too ****ed
to get the hunch.
a glass half full
of cinnamon schnapps
by closing time
too drunk, too ****ed,
too close to the top.

I enjoy the first line, though I am confused as to why you are still awake after taking multiple sedatives... I'm also puzzled by your meaning of "nameless thugs for lunch", and it's significance, as well as the "to get the hunch" just doesn't sound right to me. I'm not a big fan of profanity in lyrics either, but I suppose it works for what you are going for here.

god only knows what she's doing.

sixteen minutes
and fifty-nine seconds
by the stereo.
she moaned, too stoned
to guage the wreck.
when time splits the difference
and the end is thirty two.
by twenty-eight
she droned, too stoned
to get the clue.

I think this stanza went much better. I like the playing with numbers and time, very effective.

rolling in the grass
she's fallen very fast
but she's ok.
playing in the yard
she's fallen very hard
but she's ok.

god only knows what she's doing.

I'm not very fond of much of this stanza at all. I don't think any of this piece really lives up to what you set up in the second stanza. Also... I'm not sure if the beginning is supposed to be the male's daily activities, and the rest is her's? If so, perhaps you should give us some sort of conclusion to your day.

Overall, I think this could be a solid punk song, if you fixed some things and expanded upon it.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=504080 That's my latest whenever you can get to it.

-Jacob