#1
Alright, this is my first attempt to stray away from the depression I seem to have trouble bringing my writings out of.... I tried my hardest to keep it PG, I hope its not too racy... As always crit4crit

Love to Lust you

Since our eyes met I stripped you of your thoughts
Seemingly entangled in each other's minds
And oh the way you fought
fought to deny your blissful desires
You said I love you, I say I lust you
And that is all our minds require
You love the way I touch you
The warmth my lust brings
I love the way I touch you
Ever so tenderly
First on your shoulder
Then down your soft desire
You love me, I lust you
what more can you require?
Definition is lost as sensation is gained
peaking in lust, love is obtained
there is no difference in us or our minds
love is lust, when two are combined


This is more of a poem, I'm tossing it around about turning it into a song.. just wanted some feedback on the subject matter and content before investing the time it takes to make a full song.... thanks in advance for all crits
Last edited by C@sper at Jan 11, 2007,
#2
Is it a song as i thought songs were suppost to have verses n stuff.. It seems more like a poem to me but anycase it seems alright
#3
i actually really like it. a love/lust relationship is definitely a good idea to write about, and i think you've executed it well. for some reason, i feel that the line "i love the way i touch you" is absolutely terrific. "Definition is lost as sensation is gained / peaking in lust, love is obtained" is another highlight.

please crit mine:
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=502524
#5
i thought this was great... well thought out and good flow.

in most cases when two words are used so much in a single piece (love/lust) it detracts from it... but thats definitely not the case here.

considering the flow i think it could work as a song too... would just need to figure out how to divide it into verses.

i can't really find fault with it though... good job.

thanks for the comments on mine too... i really appreciate it.
#6
i liked the love and lust idea ok u can make it a song but fr now i liked the way it is
Hi