#1
do me a favour..... tear it up.


I'm Beginning to Think That Your Mothers Womb Was Never Meant to Be Populated


I lost it all on a night,
where bad ideas came like hurricanes.
I spent my time deciphering,
the final words of a girl who'd given up.

I could hear a constant pleading,
"please forget me, please forget me"
Now this guilt will leave me deafened,
you used persistence as a weapon,
only to justify your means.


my worst excuse is always better than your greatest disguise.
All the poison in your cabinet,
All that's keeping you alive.


I lost it all on a night,
where good ideas came in picture frames.
I've spent my life in every vein,
trying to escape from this chemical fate.


A single sentiment,
up in the attic,
Where dust and dark collect,
hidden away from your dramatics.

A single sentiment,
came from a dearest friend,
the one who never called,
who never cared,
who must want something.


my worst excuse is always better than your greatest disguise.
All the poison in your cabinet,
All that's keeping you alive.


I lost it all on a night,
where my best idea was "goodbye".
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Jan 21, 2007,
#2
great lmao :p i love the title particularly.
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#3
Nice song, wish i could write good s*** like that.
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#4
come on... i need people to tell me whats wrong with it... you dont want me to go around thinking i'm a perfect writer do you? ... that wouldn't be good for anyone.

ps... i do appreciate the comments so far.
#5
Quote by bassbeat77
do me a favour..... tear it up.


I'm Beginning to Think That Your Mothers Womb Was Never Meant to Be Populated


I lost it all on a night,
where bad ideas came like hurricanes.
I spent my time deciphering,
the final words of a girl who'd given up.
The last line is a bit lengthy/wordy... maybe cut it into two lines i dont know

I could hear a constant pleading,
"please forget me, please forget me"
Now this guilt will leave me deafened,
you use persistence as a weapon,
only to justify your means.
I didnt like the flow between 2nd and 3rd lines but i dont really know how it'd be sung so flow is hard to comment on...

my worst excuse is always better than your greatest disguise.
All the poison in your cabinet,
All that's keeping you alive.
Nothing wrong here, its good

I lost it all on a night,
where good ideas came in picture frames.
I've spent my life in every vein,
trying to escape from this chemical fate.
Like the referance to the first verse but with changes, its a good verse

A single sentiment,
up in the attic,
Where dust and dark collect,
hidden away from your dramatics.


A single sentiment,
came from a dearest friend,
the one who never calls,
who never cared,
who must want something.
The one of never calls is in present (or like, conditional or something?) tense but who never cared is past, and who must want something is present. Maybe 'who never cares, who always wants something' or 'the one who never called'... i dno i think you should play about with it to get it in the same tense.

my worst excuse is always better than your greatest disguise.
All the poison in your cabinet,
All that's keeping you alive.


I lost it all on a night,
where my best idea was "goodbye".
Good end in my opinion


Hope that helped a bit. Not a lot else to say really.

would appreciate a crit on this
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=503153
#6
I have no problems with this.
[You won't hear me say that very often.]
This is great.
Metaphors=brilliant,
They aren't overdone at all.
Well done.
All I can say against it is the spacing.
9/10.

It would be great if you could crit my song Runners :] Thanks
#7
It's alright, has some nice rhymes but I have a bit of a dislike for the title.
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
#8
wow....like wow....i read it like twice and i am sooo crying right now...im such a girl, i know, but its beautiful.
"do me a favour..... tear it up."
haha i just read that again one second ago and realised you meant "tear" as in rip. I was thinking like teardrop. thats why i thought it was so ironic that im crying over it. Okay onto what i think....

I lost it all on a night,
where bad ideas came like hurricanes.
I spent my time deciphering,
the final words of a girl who'd given up.


big fan. it really grabs the attention right away.

I could hear a constant pleading,
"please forget me, please forget me"
Now this guilt will leave me deafened,
you use persistence as a weapon,
only to justify your means.


I really liked it...the only thing i found kinda off was that the way i read it your talking to the girl in the first stanza, but i had the idea she was allready dead because you were talking in past tense, but you refer to her here in the present, like shes still alive, it kinda threw me off...i dont know if that was what you meant by it, but other tahn that its great.

my worst excuse is always better than your greatest disguise.
All the poison in your cabinet,
All that's keeping you alive.


i dont really know anything that needs improving. i love the rhyming.

I lost it all on a night,
where good ideas came in picture frames.
I've spent my life in every vein,
trying to escape from this chemical fate.


I really like the whole idea of the drugs and the failed life theme throughout. I also love that you used the word chemical. not only does it relate to drugs but i like that it reminds me of death (like the death penalty & being killed by injection). It also strenghtens the point that suicide isnt really a choice to the suicidal person, it seems more of like a fate. Dont ask me how i got all that from one word.

A single sentiment,
up in the attic,
Where dust and dark collect,
hidden away from your dramatics.


I kind of dont like that these lines are so much shorter than the first ones. I love the rhyming again, very nice.

A single sentiment,
came from a dearest friend,
the one who never calls,
who never cared,
who must want something.


I like contrst between "dearest friend" and "who never cared", it really makes you feel like it was a a big ordeal.


my worst excuse is always better than your greatest disguise.
All the poison in your cabinet,
All that's keeping you alive.



I lost it all on a night,
where my best idea was "goodbye".


and yes, this is were I had tears running down my face. These lines really bring the whole poem together and i really love it. The end.

Edit: & dont change the title, its perfect.
When you light a candle...you create a shadow
#9
thanks everyone... i fixed up the problems with my tenses... and thanks for pointing those out... and i'm pretty sure i got to returning crits already.
#10
Love the title!
wow its amazing. i just read one of your others.. what stlye are you playing in by the way?
its very powerful and strangely haunting
the imagery is beautiful and it really strikes a chord with me..
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...
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#11
first off, it was the title that grabbed my attention
i'm not good at this, but i try. =P

I lost it all on a night,
where bad ideas came like hurricanes.
I spent my time deciphering,
the final words of a girl who'd given up.
you compelling us to keep on reading, already giving clues to whats going to happen... good start

I could hear a constant pleading,
"please forget me, please forget me"
Now this guilt will leave me deafened,
you used persistence as a weapon,
only to justify your means.
no need for improvement


my worst excuse is always better than your greatest disguise.
All the poison in your cabinet,
All that's keeping you alive.
love the irony... classic

I lost it all on a night,
where good ideas came in picture frames.
I've spent my life in every vein,
trying to escape from this chemical fate.
i can see the rhythm, the rhyming, and i like repeated use of the line from the first verse

A single sentiment,
up in the attic,
Where dust and dark collect,
hidden away from your dramatics.
once again, i like it same reason i did the last

A single sentiment,
came from a dearest friend,
the one who never called,
who never cared,
who must want something.
is it that her not calling you,not caring about you, is a sign that she's troubled? yeah, that works

my worst excuse is always better than your greatest disguise.
All the poison in your cabinet,
All that's keeping you alive.


I lost it all on a night,
where my best idea was "goodbye".
wow, you only needed two lines to completely conclude the song.

hey, i loved the whole thing, honestly, i don't think there's much left to tweak or change... everything, even the title stirs up emotion.


mine is in my sig
House: according to the philosophy of Jagger,
"you can't always get what you want"
cuddy: i looked up jagger. apparently
"if you try, you might just find, you get what you need"
huddy x]


Stalker.. much?
or
Runners High/Under the Sky
#12
i didnt read the song but... the title speaks for itself 10/10
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#13
Quote by bassbeat77
come on... i need people to tell me whats wrong with it... you dont want me to go around thinking i'm a perfect writer do you? ... that wouldn't be good for anyone.

ps... i do appreciate the comments so far.


First, I always get dissapointed when something has a clever title, but the actual piece is lacking.

Their were some good moments, but nothing in means of standing out and slapping me in the face, which is what I look for (and which is why i rarely comment pieces).

The first stanzas the best, setting up a compelling story that never really unfolds or concludes for that matter.

I wish I knew what more to say, but that's why I rarely crit - I'm no damn good at pulling apart songs/poems when they're meant to generate feelings, not text explaining why you liked/didn't like it.
Poor advice.
#14
^ i know what you mean... i actually wasn't aiming for cleverness with the title... guess it just happened... and looking back i agree about there being no real conclusion... there's an ending, but not a conclusion... i'll see what i can do as far as carrying the story better. thanks.

thanks to everyone else too.
#16
This is really good. I really like all your songs, the themes/moods of them all are really constant throughout and some of your lines are really amazing.
my worst excuse is always better than your greatest disguise.

Great stuff.