#1
Verse 1:
He wants to sleep with you and it’s understandable
I’d do the same if it were possible
And I watch you go everyday after school
Can’t stop the hormone rush or the rush of drool

Chorus:
But he just wants to get in your underwear
He doesn’t love you and he doesn’t even care
And I’ve got a friend who’d do the same
Give me a pen and I’ll write down his name

Verse 2:
What could I do to take off your clothes?
‘Cuz I stalk you down and pray that no-one knows
And I hate to see you with the other guys
And they’d beat me up if they realised

Chorus:
But he just wants to get in your underwear
He doesn’t love you and he doesn’t even care
And I’ve got a friend who’d do the same
Give me a pen and I’ll write down his name
He’ll give it to you no strings attached
But I can’t guarantee that he is a catch

And he just wants to get in your underwear
He doesn’t love you and he doesn’t even care
And I’ve got a friend who’d do the same
Give me a pen and I’ll write down his name
He’ll give it to you no strings attached
But I can’t guarantee that he is a catch
He’ll take you out and lead you off track
But be weary at all times and watch your back…
Last edited by goo_fan at Jan 12, 2007,
#2
i don't know what to say about this. i mean, it's obvious you're not going for a deep, moving song so....

yeah, it is very juvenile. i don't think one should ever write about school in this way. what if this song gets you famous and you have to sing it when you're forty seven?

what you're going for, i guess it's okay, but i would suggest to write about something different
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#3
Hey thanks for the crit. I know it's really juvenile, I don't usually write like this, it just sorta came out lol. I had this electric riff for a while and I was playing it yesterday and the words just came out. I think it was kinda inspired by Snow Patrol- 'Spitting Games'...but I take your point, it is childish but it's not typical of my songs.
#4
i think you got a good idea however i think you should go about writing it diffrent you like a girl that every oneelse does to why set it in a school there are more ways to spice the song up i.e
the girl gave me a intising look as i walk by,
i'm just wondering why,
if all the other guys found out i would die
that way you can avoid talking about school but still keep more aless the same idea hope this was helpful please crit mine
#5
Quote by goo_fan
I think it was kinda inspired by Snow Patrol- 'Spitting Games'...

I was thinking the same thing. It really reminds me of that song, how it's about a guy who secretly has a crush on a girl, yet never has the nerve to speak to her.

Of course, your song is a little more... er... "graphic," I guess.
#6
Just a few things, firstly i wouldnt repeat the word 'rush' in the last line... the line didnt make that much sense to me either.

I like the chorus, its good. And the last bit.

I think K-Lizzle wants to say it wants more imagery, and hes right it could do with some. Throw in some metaphors if you can. I would personally change the verses, but i admit they would probably appeal to high school ages. Not really my preferred audience but thats up to you.
#7
Oops, yeah just realised the last line of the first verse doesn't make sense- it should say 'or' instead of 'of'- I'm gonna change that now...thanks for the crit guys!