#1
When I was born
They injected me with blowing glass,
And then blew until every vein was replaced with mortality—
...
I’m brittle, menagerie, the kind you seal away
In plays about vicious animosity,
And I’m leaning against your breast now,
My head pushed to the excess of breath,
And I can feel the steady blow,
Soothing, dripping down the back of my crystal neck,
...
But don't worry,
That shattering sound you hear
Is just the delicate case
Cracking under the pressure
Of two fragile snakes, twisting and fighting
Over which is more divine.
Last edited by #1 synth at Jan 13, 2007,
#2
i wanted to bump this up even though i'm on my way out. however, i really didn't like this at all, but it might just be me. sorry. more to come.

holla
#3
You know, you once criticised one of my pieces because it had one stanza that was a huge sentence.

Your middle stanza here is like twice the size of it.

I thought some of your wording and flow here was kind of- odd, I did not like the "and...and.." , and the imagery felt to forcfeul, like you were trying so hard to be poetic and pretty it just lost all impact and emotion. You have the writing talent to not need all this extra content- I know its more my personal taste coming out here but I so think without adding these images and extra out-there phrases and wording, you can write simple pieces with layered meanings. I mean read Carmels work and LTTs, punches, I dont mean follow their style but I think they write great pieces without all these scattered images. I mean yes imagerys great but I thin kyou just try to add too much, and some of your pieces including this one seem to be bullying someone into the imagery and not focusing on anything else, which I don't like



In my sig, if you could synth. Many thanks.
#4
*edited, though I'm not sure it helps, this was really just a freewrite in english class so... eh, now it's just cliche and stupid but... eh.*

Thanks alot Jammy and Corey, i'll get to your guyses stuff in the morning.
#5
I liked it. It's really creative in a point that, you took something like glass, which is cliche and made it your own. I think this is my favorite piece of yours that I've read, and I hope that you continue to take cliche subjects and make them interesting and unique, which is something I wish everyone would do. The first three lines were really captivating and I thought you pulled everything off pretty decently, not execellent, but you managed and I think after practice you will be able to tell what's good and what's not just by thinking about it.

Good job man, this has been approved.

Check out mine, Ribbon Wounds I think, i forget the title.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#6
I'd read it a few times in different places under different names and no one knowing that they where all saying the same thing at the same time.

I thought it was unoriginal. I think you can do better.
#7
How the shit is this cliche, I don't get it. Sure a lot of the words have been used previously in the same context, but the idea is completely original.

This is the first thing I've read in my entire 2 years of being at UG with a blowing glass metaphor. It's creative and I wish I would have used it. You're just as bad as the people kissing ass around here if you think this is cliche.

It's not, there's not any excitement to it, the poem is good.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#8
If I wouldn't have seen Synths name attached to this poem, I wouldn't have had any problem thinking it was yours.
It's less the metaphore, more the style. The voice is unoriginal, and no metaphore can fix that.

EDIT: I'd just like to add that in no way am I trying to come across as a better writer or one of a purer voice, I'm just giving you my thoughts on the piece.
Last edited by ScarredFaith at Jan 13, 2007,
#9
"The voice is unoriginal"

interesting point. Everything i've written in the past couple months has been from the point of view of myself (AKA angst ridden teen), maybe I'll start experimenting again... seriously, good point, dont know why I havent thought of it...

And Matt, mad mad to you. It means a lot.
#10
i think it's much better after the edit, but now it feels incomplete to me... there's something missing, i'll be back once i know what it is. but, it's better. i'd actually even go as far to say it's... "good" now. :P:

hollaaaaa
#11
thanks for the 'good'

but yeah, I see what you mean by choppy, I tried to play that up to mirror the shattering of glass but it didnt work very well... any suggestions to make it more of a complete thought?
#12
Synth...

may i introduce you to God?

...

[/lost for words]

that's REALLY REALLY Cool man, i miss reading stuff like this, it's half the reason i came back, you find a piece that just COMPLETELY makes you think and you can read it and get lost in the imagery and intensity of it

i don't know if the voicing is unoriginal because i haven't been on in a while, personally it does sound like something that wouldn't come from you (from what i remember anyway) but i read it because it had your name attached to it and i'm glad i did

It's REALLY good man, well done
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

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This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#13
I apologize if I came off as a dick, it was not my intention. And as to your reply, it's hard to tell if that was internet sarcasm or not.
BUT
Upon rereading the piece today, I found it very enjoyable.
I may have been in a bad way last night.
#14
many props to you for standing up and offering a different opinion other than "awesome", "great" scarredfaith. stick to your opinions, nobody here should be getting offended when someone thinks their piece is unoriginal. we all do it (especially me) way too often, but grudges aren't held too well here, so no worries.

since i should probably offer some sort of comment on the piece:
the final line, "Over which is more divine.", using which really throws me off, in a bad way. 'which' kind of makes me wonder if you meant something else and what you meant by that, which really i feel scatters your intended meaning.

i dont like your use of "..." to create those pauses between stanzas. i dont know, use extra line breaks or possible just one period in the line break?

there are a few lines in here "cracking under the pressure" is quite a bad line in my opinion. its often used with something fragile, but i found it to be very intriguing that you directed at a "delicate case" - irony!

also, you need to use better punctuation in the middle stanza especially, to make it read better. i like use of scattered image if the images are concrete and can be drawn to each other when they are totally different, but you use inconcrete images that really have no meaning to me. although the final image is intriguing, it fails to offer me much.

oh, and why the comma to end stanza 2 when you have a line break and "..." on the next line?
#15
I'll answer your questions directly if you want me to Tigga, but I'm going with you just threw them out there for me to think about, so thank you

and to the readers and I promise I'll crit back tomorrow, at least some of them.
#16
i thought it was really good, but
i thought you ruined the flow with
"And I can feel the steady blow,
Soothing, dripping down the back of my crystal neck."
it just seemed to ruin the flow for me.

but other than that, good job.
i quite enjoyed it.

I just want to sleep forever.