#1
I've decided that I want to inspire, and maybe recieve a few more accolades, and so I've managed to pull something creative out of my ass and past relationships to write a self-claimed mini poetry saga. This is part one, expect the next several parts, including and not limited too be, steam of consciousness writing, introduction of narrative, characters, etc. etc.

I expect this go up to around 8 or 9 parts with an epilogue.

Consider this a prologue.

Ribbon Wounds, A War Story: The Girl Behind The Counter. (Part I)

A girl behind
the counter
told me she loved me.


and hi, foreign I.
and hi, foreign I.

I came across her.
I came across her face.

She was a predictable gift.
A ribbon like a bayonette,
Clear hole, as gut wounds.
I'm bravado.
I'm Caligula,
A hand like a pale horse that rides
into the rain like rusted sutchers.

Mirrored infancy with ionic lips that
Spat nuclear winter at my radioactive hips.
An arm like a tree branch. A self-seduced
puppet girl, a liar.
A liar.

A Pyrrhic victory,
I claim dysergia.

A Love to appreciate.
A Love to consume.

Your love to devour.
My love to resume.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#2
man i was gonna try to give you a crit... but im too fushking tired right now, its 2 am. from what i could detect , it was good. but ya

ill try to give ou a crit in the morning... if i reeeemember.
#3
Usually I like your stuff but not love it, for I'm not a fan of this style.

But this one I was close to loving. Just something about it that seemed fresher than alot of your other work and something I could get along with, which just felt good.

So yeh, I liked this one more than most, looks a promising series.
#5
Done. Are there anymore. I'm in a critique mood right now, so if you want a crit, leave a link after your crit.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#6
I'm going to run the risk of sounding pretentious and give you some advice.
You do best when you don't fall into traps or habit.

"A ribbon like a bayonnette."

That's the last laugh before the car wreck. A good line.

"Spat nuclear winter at my radioactive hips.
An arm like a tree branch. A self-seduced"

That's lighting the cigarette, putting it to your lips and taking a drag. Habit and repetition.
Cancer.

You've got talent.
#8
yeah i can't say much. i like it very much and can't really find anything you should change, so...

this was great. good job
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#9
not many comments on this one.

So one last thank you, and I'll let this die off.

A few people owe me some so, let this be your final chance.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#10
I've decided that I want to inspire, and maybe recieve a few more accolades, and so I've managed to pull something creative out of my ass and past relationships to write a self-claimed mini poetry saga. This is part one, expect the next several parts, including and not limited too be, steam of consciousness writing, introduction of narrative, characters, etc. etc.

I expect this go up to around 8 or 9 parts with an epilogue.

Consider this a prologue.

Ribbon Wounds, A War Story: The Girl Behind The Counter. (Part I)

A girl behind
the counter
told me she loved me.


and hi, foreign I.
and hi, foreign I.

I came across her.
I came across her face.

She was a predictable gift.
A ribbon like a bayonette,
Clear hole, as gut wounds.
I'm bravado.
I'm Caligula,
A hand like a pale horse that rides
into the rain like rusted sutchers.

Mirrored infancy with ionic lips that
Spat nuclear winter at my radioactive hips.
An arm like a tree branch. A self-seduced
puppet girl, a liar.
A liar.

A Pyrrhic victory,
I claim dysergia.

A Love to appreciate.
A Love to consume.

Your love to devour.
My love to resume.

I do apologise, I tried to do a full crit on this but kept getting lost on certain lines so I will have to make this suffice.

A lot of lines in this I particularly liked: 'hi, foreign I' I felt was particularly good and really stood out when spoken aloud. 'A ribbon like a bayonet' was also particularly inspired and gave a really vivid mental image of something particularly harmless and often associated with comfort transfiguring as something usually used to cause pain and suffering.

There wasn't much I could say in terms of changing anything. There was one thing two particular words that I could find no meaning for were 'sutchers' and 'dysergia', maybe i'm just showing my lack of vocabulary but any chance you could fill me in on the meaning of those. It may help me to understand parts of this better.

I also tried to work out the reason for the parts in italics but it has again fooled me.
All-O-Gistics:

Thou shalt always go for greatness
Thou shalt not commit adulthood (ALL)
Thou shalt not partake of decaf (ALL!)
Thou shalt not have no idea (ALL)
Thou shalt not allow anything to deter you in your quest for all (ALL!)