#1
okay, so when I was in 7th grade people thought I was crazy for loving the rain and i would reply with,

"
Rain, Rain, come today,
Save the sun for another day
"

but about six months ago I heard Breaking Benjamin's "Rain" and I looked back at this phrase and thought about my life. now I want to write a song with this phrase as the chorus, only problem is that I want to add one or two lines (preferably one) right after to basiccally say "wash my tears away" or something like that.

best i got so far is

"
rain rain come today
Save the sun for another day
Wash these tears away from my face
"

the song is bassically a story of a lost love and wishfull thinking, or lost love and giving up. but the third line just doesn't sound right. I want it to flow smoothly without any noticable accents such as hard "B" sounds or confusing switches. I have tried to write the rest of this song but without the chorus it is hard to set the melody for the rest of the song.

anyone have any suggestions for the third line (might be able to split to 2 or more lines if needed) I am just a serious writers block and I can't think of anything worth using. oh,, and this is deffinately an acoustic piece that is mostly easy chords to switch back and forth from such as G, Cadd9, A7sus (Good Riddance is a great song), Em, Asus, well you get the point. But I really can't move forward without being able to finish this chorus.


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sorry for the long winded questions (it comes with the glasses)
Last edited by David Roby at Jan 12, 2007,
#3
I messed around with it and found that lengthening the first line and shortening the third line helped:

rain, rain, won't you come today?
save the sun for another day
wash the tears from my face and
dull my fears and cleanse my pain

maybe that'll help you get to what you want
#4
as for screamsoftly's comment, this song won't be for everyone, it is generally a soft rock song. That type of music isn't for everyone, but thank you for your truthfull opinion, and as for mikeofthechimps's reply, that actually sounds so much better,, I never actually thought to change those first two lines, though I

note: things in " " are more breathed than spoken (sung, whatever)

rain, rain, won't you come today?
just "ah" wash my tears away-"ee-hey" (drawn out for 3 steps)

or

Rain rain won't you come today?
wash these tears away-ee-hey

but now I have to think about how to put "save the sun for another day in there,, or maybe I will just not put that in there and add something different,, eek,, brain cramp,, hmm,, anyways,, any suggestions on whether I should keep the idea of the sun going away. hmm,, maybe I could start the song as the sun going away and work it out so by the end of the song, the problem is better and I sing

Rain rain, won't you go away?
my heart is healed and needs the warmth of the sun... (drawn out into closing)

any suggestions ??

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apolgies for the long replies ( nerdy tendancy due to my glasses )
#5
Alright. Here's how I would do it. Yes, I changed it a bit, no I dont care.

I want the rain to come today,
Yeah, God, save the sun for another day,
It will wash the tears away from my face,
And I will walk away, smiling.

I just dont like it the way you had it, because in my head it sounds like a nursery rhyme, and that's just weird.

You could also use for the last line:

It will wash away, all the pain.

Either way.
Of course, for me, that would become a verse, not a chorus. Maybe you should look at it like that.
#6
though it does kinda sond like a nursery rhyme,, that is the point. through-our younger year we tend to here the same melodies over and over again, and when we hear words to familiar melodies we tend to remember them better. and of course even nursery rhymes can be hard-core, just add some distortion,, some power chords and some screamo. but I should probably state the feeling of the song.

_____________________
WARNING: a story follows
_____________________

As I said before, in 7th grade I came up with the phrase
Rain Rain come today,
Save the sun for another day
(don't know if someone else has said it before,, but it did come from my brain)
and this song is about a love lost (yeah I know,, reeeaaaalll original,, but eh,, I like the idea)
through-out my life I have been an outkast of soiciology. being reffered to as a "geek" nerd" and normal "this is the guy to beat up on" names. when High school came I actually got the courage to be a bit more socially active and though I was still called a geek, nerd, dork,, and what-not,, It was more of a friend term. But I was still very self concieous and had a pretty low self esteem due to the lack of experience. In my senior year I met a girl that changed everything. she turned my world upside down and made me into the man i am today.
we met when she and her friends were debating about something and no-one was on her side (the other people were ignorant of the facts and following the standards of steriotypes) so I butted in and provide my view of the truth which supported her's and gave references and the good old nerd stuff like that (it was a debate about witches and devil worship, the majority thinks that they go hand in hand when they DON"T) but anyways we became fast friends after that and it came out that she liked me and wanted to date me. now at first I had to say no. you see she was a freshmen and I didn't want her to be put through the grief. but then I accidently (yes,, I said accidentely) asked her out. the next day we were boyfriend and girl friend,, over the next 8 months we were inseperably,, she showed me that I was better than I veiwed myself as and that I could be more. my self esteem improved massively,, i started to feel good about my self and imroved my social life a shnickies ton. We loved each other more than anything in the world. But unfortunately I had joined the navy so her parents made us break up at the end of the year. you know,, they were following the "Sailor stereotype" about a "girl in every port" and didn't want there daughter hurt. understandable considering they are GREAT parents.

___________
end of story
___________

but this song is about the sadness,, the lonliness I feel about not being with her, but I don't want anyone to see it, but I dont want to stop.

I don't want anyone to see the tearsI shed,, but I don't want to stop shedding them so I want the rain to wash them away, I don't want the sun to shed light on the fact that I am alone right now. but I want to be able to one day be over this,, wether it is back together with her, or with someone else. I want the sun to shine again when i become happy. when these tears of sorrow turn into tears of joy.

I hope this provides an understanding of the song. and why it relates to the chorus of the nursery rhyme.
#7
okay,, so far I have come up with this.

Rain Rain, won't you come today?
Why don't you dry my tears away.
Rain Rain, can't ya Feel my pain.
Save that sun for another day.

so,, how is that for a chorus?
#9
i was reading this and these to lines poped into my head dont no weather they are still usefull anyway here they are

Rain Rain, won't you come today?
Why don't you dry my tears away.
Rain Rain, can't ya Feel my pain.
Save that sun for another day.
i wish the rain had total reign
i like it when its wet and grey

if you want i wuld realy appreiciate some crit on my work
#10
Getting there, but try this

Rain has come today,
Came to wash away the pain,
Tears fall steady and fast,
Oh god! How long could it last?
Place me high on top,
Could I make this rain stop?
Please just take my pain away-e-yea-ee-yeah

Tell me what you think! Sounds better, got the rain concept, the pain concept, and the wish to be able to control the rain a.k.a. your fears and enviroment.
#12
rain rain come today
keep the ****ing sun away
i don't want pplz to c my face
blah blah blah i'm so gay
i would sck dck for a dolla
i just added that line so i could end my post with

holla.
#13
Quote by #1 synth
and yet you didnt close it...



Because the guy PM'ed me, and eventually everything in his thread checked out ok. So I reopened it.

:p
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#16
I like the bit you've got but i wouldn't know where to start with the chorus, i couldn't really say, it needs to come from you, you need to pour ur feelings and emotions into it...hoep that helped a bit.......other than that i'd say about 7/10 at the moment.....
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#17
or you could simply say

'oh'rain rain come today
save the sun for another day
oh please wont you come to stay
so you can wipe these ugly tears away

i think its pretty good
#18
first off,, thank you greatly for reopening this thread. I will try as hard as I can to follow the FAQ from now on.
and for everyone else, Thank you for all your input. I now have a main chorus and a few revisions,, so the verses should follow shortly. The biggest problem I was having was getting the chorus to sound good,, and lets be truthful,, more people remember the chorus than anything else though I don't think this song will become too widely known, but if I can get just a group of friends to like this then that will be enough. The hardest part will be coming up with the drums,, I was never good at that. I will continue to post updates to this song and as always you Crits are welcome. It will probably be about a week before I come up with something substantial. Wish me luck but please don't stop critiquing, especially people who haven't crit my work yet

oh and a ps for SilenceEvolves, lol I though those lyrics were funny and I kinda jokingly sung it in my head when I read it (without realizing it was spam) and to be truthful, the first two lines could probably be turned into some type of emo/heavy metal song.. grrr,, I hate it when spam is useful (the second line sounds greatand I may just use it)

as for the critiques,

JoshPeters92: it does sound good,, but the biggest problem is I will eventually want the rain to go away, and it is not that the tears are ugly (for they have true feeling in them) I just don't want people to see that side of me in the song.

Mexp16, try as I might: I can't get the rythm down for yoursuggestion.. but it does read good and I would love for you to elaborate on the rythm a bit. I especially like the third line and might be able to build a verse off of that too.

mightymuffinman: same as JoshPeters92, I don't want the rain to stay nor do I want it to have any power over me (i wish the rain had total reign) and though I am sad in the song,, it is tears of lonelyness, tears of want, and tears of rememberence, the latter two not really sad,, but nostolgic.though I like the wet and grey and I might be able to work that into the chorus.

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Pardon my madness, It comes with the strate jacket 0_o
Last edited by David Roby at Jan 16, 2007,