#1
Second song im putting up here... ive got others & plenty of ideas about but need to revise them properly. Not sure about the title at the moment too, i just took a phrase from the song. Crit 4 Crit again. I realise some of the syllabol counts dont match up and any advice on making them match is welcomed, though im pretty sure i can fix that when its put to music.

Thanks for help so far ive done a revision since it was posted

v1
My compass is broken
so i'll use the stars
The words that you'd chosen
have left me with scars
you'd met a new person,
was just another to lust

Chorus
I never got to show you
this sweet sentiment
i never tried to take you
away from your descent

v2
You've been cremated
I wont keep the ash
Ive realised i hated
your part in my past
I should have waited
but i kept your trust

Chorus
I never got to show you
this sweet sentiment
i never tried to take you
away from your descent

bridge
Regrets should stay in the past
Forget promises that didnt last
*solo*

v3 (different structure/sound)
The stars are making no sense
and im lost in a bleak black abyss
blinded and my muscles tense
still adjusting without my bliss

Chorus
I never got to show you
this sweet sentiment
i never tried to take you
away from your descent

comments/criticismwelcomed
Last edited by StonaLemons at Jan 13, 2007,
#2
The metaphors in this are great.
The complaint I have here is in some of the rhyming.

I never got to show you
what i have inside
i never tried to take you
where i still hide


"Hide" and "inside". Rack your brain for some better rhymes, you can do better than that!
Also, the other problem with this is your tendency to break the rhythm and the flow. Try finding how to express what you want to say in a way that flows better; that's what makes it a song! Remember that.

Nice job! With a few more revisions this could be very good.
#3
v1
My compass is broken
so i'll use the stars
The words were spoken
time to heal these scars
you've met a new person,
a new person to lust


okay first of all... this needs to be past tense because the person is dead right?.... and L3 and 4 don't seem to work... flow seems off with them... and it's kind of too easy of a line if you know what i mean.... also the last line sounds awkward because of the second use of "person"... just an idea anyways.... here's a suggestion of how this stanza might work:

"my compass is broken,
so i'll use the stars.
the words that you'd chosen,
have left me with scars.
you'd met a new person,
was just another to lust"


Chorus

I never got to show you
what i have inside
i never tried to take you
where i still hide


this sounds alright... simple but thats okay in this case... last line needs more though... at the very least add a "to" to the beginning of the line.... and in L3... the "I" should be "I'd" i'm pretty sure.


v2
You've been cremated
I wont keep the ash
And realised i hated
your part in my past
and you never skated,
never skated with me


okay... a couple things about this stanza... L3 would be more appropriately said as "I realize i've hated"..... also i'm not a big fan of the random mention of skating... but if you like it, use it.... just add a "how" after the "and" in L5.


Chorus
I never got to show you
what i have inside
i never tried to take you
where i still hide


bridge
Regrets should stay in the past
Forget promises that didnt last
*solo*


this looks alright.


v3 (different structure/sound)
The stars are making no sense
and im lost in a deep sea abyss
blinded and my muscles tense
still adjusting without my bliss


to me this doesnt make sense... if you're under the sea how do the stars have anything to do with you? .... i liked the stars line because it was a reference to the opening stanza... but the sea idea doesnt seem to work i dont think.... maybe use "pitch black abyss" or something like that... because that supports your next line too.


Chorus
I never got to show you
what i have inside
i never tried to take you
where i still hide


okay cool song... few small things to change in my opinion... worth sticking with though... keep it up.... and thanks a lot for your comments on mine.