#1
Crit for crit. :]

"Runners"

Verse:

All of our lives, we've been taught to flee
To tuck our hips in underneath and teach our feet to fly
While others sit in silence and debate life mentally,
You and I are runners. Pilots in disguise.

Chorus:

Now don't you turn your back on time
Though it is your biggest fear
It's planning to leave you behind
Don't let yourself disappear

Verse:

Of these pilots, we are not the best
Nature versus nuture; a classic-answered test.
Forced into surroundings no one should have to face
We awoke each morning with command to run away

Pre Chorus:

Pain against the pavement
Our ankles' threat to break
We swear that we will beat this
But we know we can't escape

Chorus Repeats

Bridge:

We're not sure how much to take
Until we fall, until we faint
So let's hope soon we'll awake
Get back on our feet
And run far, far away
Like the sky is falling

Chorus Repeats

Any comments would be appreciated!
Thanks.
I'll crit yours if you crit mine.
Last edited by rockergirl1122 at Jan 13, 2007,
#2
Quote by rockergirl1122
Crit for crit. :]

"Runners"

Verse:

All our lives, we've been taught to flee
To tuck our hips in underneath and teach our feet to fly
While others sit in silence and debate life mentally,
We're runners. Pilots in disguise.
I always thought you tucked your knees in... if you know what i mean? you cant exactly tuck in your hips... and lines are a bit long but i like this verse

Chorus:

Now don't you turn your back on time
Thought it is your biggest fear
It's planning to leave you behind
Don't let yourself disappear
'Thought it is your biggest fear' sounds a bit dodgy, take out the 'it' maybe though that would mess up the syllable count... hrm... i think that line needs a bit of revision the rest is good

Verse:

Of these pilots, we are not the best
Nature versus nuture; a classic-answered test.
Forced into environments no one should have to face
We awoke each morning with command to run away
I love the first 3 lines, the 4th seems to mess the flow a bit but otherwise its good

Pre Chorus:

Pain against the pavement
Our ankles' threats to break
We swear that we will break this
But we know we can't escape
the second line confuses me a bit... i think 'our ankles threaten to break' would make more sense i think.. or do you mean to be using the possesive rather than describing them. Its hard to word what im trying to say sorry.
Also i dont like the repitition of break


Chorus Repeats

Bridge:

And we're not sure how much to take
Until we fall, until we faint
So let's hope soon we'll awake
Get back on our feet
And run far, far away
Like the sky is falling
Good alliteration in second line but i dont like how you've used the word fall in two different contexts in one section...

Chorus Repeats

Any comments would be appreciated!
Thanks.
I'll crit yours if you crit mine.


Ofcourse a lot of this is more opinion than flaws in your writing. Its really good i think 8/10

Would appreciate a crit back thanks
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=503153
#3
this is really good!! Good message....i never really realized it like that. it kinda reminds me of john mayers song, waiting on the world to change. not the lyrics, but the content and theme i suppose
#4
Verse:

All our lives, we've been taught to flee
To tuck our hips in underneath and teach our feet to fly
While others sit in silence and debate life mentally,
We're runners. Pilots in disguise.


i think it should be "all of our lives"... otherwise it kind of sounds lazy.... also in L4... when you say "we're" it appears as if you're including the "others" that you mention in the previous line... but since i dont think thats your intention... maybe switch "we're" and make it "You and I are runners".... good stanza though.


Chorus:

Now don't you turn your back on time
Though it is your biggest fear
It's planning to leave you behind
Don't let yourself disappear


to me i think L3 would sound better as "It plans" instead... something just feels awkward about it how it is.... the rest i fine.


Verse:

Of these pilots, we are not the best
Nature versus nuture; a classic-answered test.
Forced into environments no one should have to face
We awoke each morning with command to run away


I like this stanza... only complaint is the word "environment"... it requires too much enunciation to fit into that line... maybe use a word like "surroundings" instead.


Pre Chorus:

Pain against the pavement
Our ankles' threats to break
We swear that we will beat this
But we know we can't escape


yeah i agree about L2.... it would work if you took the "s" off of "threats" though.


Chorus Repeats

Bridge:

And we're not sure how much to take
Until we fall, until we faint
So let's hope soon we'll awake
Get back on our feet
And run far, far away
Like the sky is falling


only suggestion here is to take the "and" off of the beginning of L1.


Chorus Repeats


alright well first of all thanks for your comments on my piece... and yeah this song was done quite well... original topic and everything... good job.
#6
Nice.
I like it, I'm not much of a critic but i give it an 8/10

and thanks for critin my song
#7
Verse:

All of our lives, we've been taught to flee
To tuck our hips in underneath and teach our feet to fly
While others sit in silence and debate life mentally,
You and I are runners. Pilots in disguise.

I get a little bit lost on the "tuck our hips in" part but other than that this is an excellent opening stanza, I like the second have of L2 "teach our feet to fly" and all of L4, the "Pilots in disguise" lends well to the end of L2 and keeps the imagery flowing. The only thing I'm not sure about is using teach and taught back to back

Chorus:

Now don't you turn your back on time
Though it is your biggest fear
It's planning to leave you behind
Don't let yourself disappear

The chorus is a little more simpler than first stanza and I like that, because where the first stanza makes the listener wander a little bit, which is good, the simpler chorus brings everyone back in, which is better. Although I do agree with whoever said it above I think you should change "planning" in L3 to "plans" but thats just personal opinion and I don't think that the word "planning" detracts from it in any way.

Verse:

Of these pilots, we are not the best
Nature versus nuture; a classic-answered test.
Forced into surroundings no one should have to face
We awoke each morning with command to run away

The rhyme scheme changed here, which I thought was a little bit strange but overall it's a decent stanza, I like L1 and L2 better than L3 and L4 but only because I'm not fond of the "face" and "away" rhyming couplet, there's something better maybe you could rework one of the lines to change the word.

Pre Chorus:

Pain against the pavement
Our ankles' threat to break
We swear that we will beat this
But we know we can't escape

I like this pre chorus, the puncuation clearly states that L2 is the ankles' threat to break, meaning the ankle is making the threat, to answer the questions above, maybe take the "that" out of L3 but other than that leave it alone.

Chorus Repeats

Bridge:

We're not sure how much to take
Until we fall, until we faint
So let's hope soon we'll awake
Get back on our feet
And run far, far away
Like the sky is falling

I like all of this except for the last line, it seems to screw the flow up for me, and I think it would serve you better to take it out, but that just opinion

Chorus Repeats

I like your writing, this is a good piece and with some possible edits could be a really great piece, I also happened upon your myspace page from one the of the other threads, I like your work there also, keep it up, and feel free to crit one or the both of mine, they're in the sig...
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#8
Rocker Girl, bravo *claps* it's a nice piece you lose it a little during the bridge/interlude but apart from that it's solid

i REALLY like the last two lines of the first verse, lyrically interesting so don't change them
the chorus is it meant to be "though it is your biggest fear" instead of thought? because personally that sounds REALLY good to me.

Next verse i was starting to think i was reading an earlier piece of mine which i hope you take as a compliment. But the reason i say this is because when read you have seem to have thrown a perfect cadence into not only the middle of a song but the middle of a verse a line which could end the song "nature versus nurture" etc that line reminds me of the end of a song, not the middle

still loving the chorus

The bridge lets it down for me, try and strengthen it, mess with the wording and PLEASE get rid of the "like the sky is falling" bit at the end because it will make you rewrite the whole bridge, while that line is probably the best bit of the whole bridge, if you keep it you need to bring the rest of the bridge up LYRICALLY try not to just write on an idea but live it... if that makes sense
_________________________________________________________________________

Personally, i liked it so well done, and apart from the bridge which threw me completely i'm sure you realise by now it was a strong bit of writing

Congratulations and keep it up
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

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#9
Cool!! I really like the firsr verse, especially the last line. No idea what it means but it stands out
The pre-chorus bit is great as well. Thanks a lot for comenting mine.
#10
Great song, a well deserved 9/10...
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#11
sorry for not getting to this sooner... i see you've already got a bunch of full crits so i'll just point out some of the more poignant points about the song...

the first verse was good content wise, i really enjoyed the message, but depending on how it's sung you may want to think about mildly rewording it to get a slightly better flow, the second line seems a bit too long when i sing it in my head...

the second line of the chorus seemed a bit off... i don't know what it is... but it just doesnt feel right when reading the piece... and the last line seemed a tad bit short, but again that all depends on how you're singing it... maybe try rewording line 2 because it seemed to throw off and otherwise great chorus...

i didnt like the use of the word 'pilots' in verse 2 line 1... and while i love the 'nature versus nurture', in my head it came out sounding a little bit forced... i do however love where you're going with it...

the prechorus is great... if anything maybe change the 3rd line to 'we swear that we CAN beat this'... i think it'll improve the flow...

i really like the bridge... the third line however needs some rewording because as it is now it is highly incorrect (grammatically)... maybe make it 'So let's hope that we'll soon awake' or drop the 'that' from my previous suggestion... idk... i guess it's upto you... maybe something else completely??

so that's pretty much what i had to say... all in all, a nice song... would be interesting to hear it... if you ever record it give me a shout out...

cheers,
rehan
#12
i loved the message of this song.....and how it kept on subject of pilots....overall not to bad...i checked ur myspace i didnt see that song up there....anywayz....https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=516527 theres mine if u wanna crit it....o and myspace.com/xstillunknownx to listen to it....later.