#1
this is the first song ive written , I wrote it for a chick so dont call me a pussy

Sittin here waitin for the phone to ring
Even though i know you aint comin back
I pick up that old guitar and i start to sing
it helps to keep my thoughts on track

Sittin there in your backyard singin
just waitin for my phone to start ringin
Im thinkin of ways to win you back
I wrote both our names on the side of the school
I hope you still love me, dont think im a fool
Im thinkin of ways to win you back

Sorry bout the way i made you feel
i didnt mean those hurtful things i said
I sent the roses to help you heal
You probably threw them away instead

I never really understood
how you could fall for a guy like me
but now that your gone i can see
just how twisted love can be


You finally called me back last night
first time we talked since i dont know when
you called me a dick and i know your right
but then you said you wanna try again

I did what i could to show you that i loved you
I was thinkin of ways to win you back
I must of done somethin that impressed you
cause I finally won you back

I must have done somethin that impressed you
cause you finally took me back



thats it uses the same chord progression as knockin on heavens door but with a syncopated rythm

tell me what you think
#3
im impressed
it was a little repetitive at times, and i thought that maybe you jumped around in moments of time... thats your call, you wrote it, it was your expirience :P
but i liked it alot
#5
thanx guys, ive had trouble writing new songs, any ideas on how to get the creative juices flowing?
#7
Sittin here waitin for the phone to ring
Even though i know you aint comin back
I pick up that old guitar and i start to sing
it helps to keep my thoughts on track

This is a good start IMO. It kinda reminds me of a country music song, like the Dixie Chicks or something. That is cool though. This is not exactly mind blowingly original or anything, but good is a fair word. The rhyming is certainly alright.


Sittin there in your backyard singin
just waitin for my phone to start ringin
Im thinkin of ways to win you back
I wrote both our names on the side of the school
I hope you still love me, dont think im a fool
Im thinkin of ways to win you back

This is good stuff right here. The first two lines are good and kinda set the whole mood for the whole song. Like someone else said though, you are using 'you back' a bit too much. How about:

Sittin there in your backyard singin',
just waitin for my phone to start ringin'.
I start to wonder what I lack.
I wrote our names on the side of the school,
I hope you still love me, dont think im a fool,
Im thinkin of ways to win you back.

That is just my opinion anyway.



Sorry bout the way i made you feel
i didnt mean those hurtful things i said
I sent the roses to help you heal
You probably threw them away instead

The best part of this verse IMO is the 'help you heal' part, that is good. It sets some good imagery for the listener, which as always good.

I never really understood
how you could fall for a guy like me
but now that your gone i can see
just how twisted love can be

So why is this verse rhyming 1, 1, 1, 2 when all the others are 1, 2, 1, 2? Is it a bridge or something? If not it doesn't really matter a whole lot. Much of the same comments on this too, there is certainly nothing wrong with it.



You finally called me back last night
first time we talked since i dont know when
you called me a dick and i know your right
but then you said you wanna try again

Hooray, she starts to like you again. I like how you explained that she said you are a dick and you know that she's right, that is good!


I did what i could to show you that i loved you
I was thinkin of ways to win you back
I must of done somethin that impressed you
cause I finally won you back

AAARRGGG not this 'you back' business again. Maybe go with what I suggested before and say 'gained the qualities that I lack' in the second verse or something, I dunno. This is certainly good, simple writing though.

I must have done somethin that impressed you
cause you finally took me back

Yay, ok.


Overall, I enjoyed reading this song. This is what I like and dislike about it:

Like:


The rhythm works.

It is simple, yet not clever.

In music, it would F*CKING CATCHY! and writing a catchy song is hard.

Imagery.


Dislike:

you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back you back.

(repetition)

Overall I give this song 7/10, I really like it. With a bit of work it could be better. For a first song, it is really good. Keep writing, I look forward to reading more of your stuff.


And as far as creativity goes, write down some stuff you love/hate and work from there. Or you could write a sequel to this about how while your girl was hating you, she got pregnant with your best friend. It sounds silly, but I am serious. You could write really strong lyrics about betrayal and stuff, and also how you love her so much you will look after her and the baby.

Just a thought
#8
they said it. I tried putting some melody when I recited your lyrics aloud, and my ears kinda grew weary with that "back" word.

but despite that, it's actually great! and it's your first one, too... keep it up, man!
#9
Call me wierd. But I didn't found much trouble with your 'you back's any. Well apparently, none at all. It reminded me of Bryan Adams' earlier, mushy songwriting. And if he can get away with, "Baby when you're gone" so many times in one song, or " ... if you can't come around" then I think you can too. Just my two cents.

Your rhyming's good, but the verses are out of order. There's no chorus. And the song lacks structure. But would your girl have cared when you showed it to her? I reckon not. Should've put her head-over-heels.

You've got some interesting suggestions here for the format already so I won't go into details, but I'd like to hear it sometime. Rock on.
Wanna feel divine? Light candles around a dark and abondoned room, then play your guitar.
#10
the "i never really understood...." part is the bridge. And the parts that have "thinkin of ways to win you back." in them were supposed to be choruses. I should probably have made them the same though.