#1
first write on a piece about expanding the family.

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quarter past 2 am
skin soaked in sweat and I'm getting cold
why won't it stop raining
I'm nothing like Portland some time ago

got lost in a Jewel
which turned out to be no gem at all
made me take for granted
everything we did, everything we saw

so i say to you, you say to me
that's the way that it used to be
i said to you, you said to me
it doesn't mean what it don't have to be
it will always be, just you and me
tossing in the fields
forgeting how it feels
to be back when it used to be

if I was lost in words
you ensured that I was always spoken for
and came to my rescue
like you have so many times before

you have found me tonight
crawl in my head and force my eyes to adjust
I learn so much from you
and envy your heart which is so credulous

so i say to you, you say to me
that's the way that it used to be
i said to you, you said to me
it doesn't mean what it don't have to be


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crit for crit, I need some help.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
Last edited by aksuperstar at Jun 15, 2007,
#2
so i took a listen to some of your tracks on myspace to try to get a feel for your music...btw i really like "bone"...but anyways overall i think this song is good if its sung how i think it is, i especially like this part :
so i say to you, you say to me
that's the way that it used to be
i said to you, you said to me
it doesn't mean what it don't have to be
it will always be, just you and me
tossing in the fields
don't you know by now, I don't forget how
that feels

its just very pleasant overall and works well rhyming... the only part of the song i would want to change is:

tell her that I love her
we try the best we can to stay in touch
she's gonna grow so fast
I'm in danger of missing so much

it just seems so much more plain to me than the rest of the song. everything else is very poetic and has alot of imagery and metaphors. this part would be good in another song probably but the rest of the lyrics are just so good that it sticks out to me as a bit bland so i would consider changing it if i were you...other than that this is a beautiful song, and its obvious you have talent...

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=502300
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=502504 (this one kinda sucks, sorry)
#3
quarter past 2 am
skin soaked in sweat and I'm getting cold
why won't it stop raining
I'm nothing like Portland some time ago

In this verse, I would suggest refraining from coming right out and saying things, like "I'm cold." Try to write things like that with a more subtle, less obvious, approach. Show us you're cold, instead of telling us, as my old LA teacher would say.

got lost in a Jewel
that turned out to be no jewel at all
made me take for granted
what we thought should be hung on the wall

I would replace 'jewel' in the second line with gem, just for the sake of not repeating the same words. Also I think it would flow better if you changed 'be hung' in the last line to just 'hang'. That may just be me though, whatever you think suits it the best.

so i say to you, you say to me
that's the way that it used to be
i said to you, you said to me
it doesn't mean what it don't have to be
it will always be, just you and me
tossing in the fields
don't you know by now, I don't forget how
that feels

Fourth line: Change 'don't' to 'doesn't', sounds better in my head.
Besides that, I really liked this verse. It flows well and has great structure, nothing sounds forced or anything. Great verse.

if I was lost in words
you ensured that I was spoken for
and came to my rescue
like you have so many times before

tell her that I love her
we try the best we can to stay in touch
she's gonna grow so fast
I'm in danger of missing so much

I would rephrase the last two lines, they sound slightly awkward and don't fit in with the rest.

so i say to you, you say to me
that's the way that it used to be
i said to you, you said to me
it doesn't mean what it don't have to be

Perfect ending. Nothing to change here.

This song is cool, I like it. Other than the revisions I suggested, I don't think much else needs to be changed. Great job, man.

Mind looking at mine, it's called Lucky Lot Lizards. Thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
Last edited by nerk13 at Jan 13, 2007,
#4
thanks you two for the crits. I've used some of your suggestions, and I think it makes it a bit stronger. I also rewrote a few of the last verses, hopefully they are a little tighter as well. Anymore crits out there?
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5