#1
Pitches made for working the corner,
arrogance radiates from every wink,
innocence forgotten in a burning blink,
make their sell in the desolate city night.

When you were a young boy,
clean faced and innocent...

Grins saved for working the corner,
fleeting flashes of impurity and sin,
wearing your pretty little face thin,
told me what fun you could be.

When you were a young boy,
clean faced and innocent,
pure with every intent,
did you dream of these wasted nights?

Oh boy toy, crawl over here.
Whips and bondgae in teeth.
You're a fine specimen,
for the fellows on Block D.
You'll make a great bitch in prison.

Muffled screams from working the corner,
resonating silence in the cops' ears,
miranda rights read from your fears,
spill out as you sit in the dirty back seat.

When you were a young boy,
clean faced and innocent,
pure in all intents,
did you dream of these wasted nights?

Oh boy toy, crawl over here.
Whips and bondgae in teeth.
You're a fine specimen,
for the fellows on Block D.
You'll make a great bitch in prison.

Oh boy toy,
You'll make a great bitch in prison.


Tell me what you think. I personally like it myself. Any comments left are greatly appreciated, don't be afraid to really rip it apart. CRIT4CRIT, of course. Thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#2
I'm sorry, I really hate to bump this, but I would really like some crits or comments. I've given out a lot myself, people are just slow returning them I suppose. Anything appreciated.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#3
let me bump this for you for now. i'm getting ready to eat so i don't want to commit myself to an in depth critique right now, but i'll be back in the near future to give you one. on a quick glance, it looked interesting though,

holla
#4
Thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
wow... i really thought i would give you an indepth crit for this... but after reading it... i have to honestly say... i dont think that i would know how to crit this piece... what kind of music do you see backing this... sorry i really appreciate your crit... and i'd love to maybe take a look at another piece (maybe leave me a link)... it seems like a good piece of writing i just have no clue how to crit it because it's a style of writing that i have no experience with... sorry...
#7
Pitches made for working the corner,
arrogance radiates from every wink,
innocence forgotten in a burning blink,
make their sell in the desolate city night.

This is an excellent start. I love the way you play with these words and have them roll off of the tongue so well. Also, the subject matter is very attractive to my style.

When you were a young boy,
clean faced and innocent...

This is nice, but maybe find a new word for innocence. Perhaps add another example here of his childhood/future.

Grins saved for working the corner,
fleeting flashes of impurity and sin,
wearing your pretty little face thin,
told me what fun you could be.

I enjoy the line "wearing your pretty little face thin"... maybe take out little though. It just seems a little odd that you say his face is little and it's getting thin, and it takes from the flow if you ask me. Also, told me what fun you could be is a little subtle an introduction to the boys speech.

When you were a young boy,
clean faced and innocent,
pure with every intent,
did you dream of these wasted nights?

Same as above.

Oh boy toy, crawl over here.
Whips and bondgae in teeth.
You're a fine specimen,
for the fellows on Block D.
You'll make a great bitch in prison.

ehh, this I'm not liking so much... the whips and bondage* seem a little too much for a boy on the street just trying to earn a buck for a hit. Also, I don't like the references to rape/prison. My outlook might be prejudice because I've been to jail and absolutely hate being asked that question... but still, it takes away from what I've read so far. If it were me, I'd make another reference to drugs and the dirty lifestyle of a drug addict male prostitute. Say something like a subway restroom...

Muffled screams from working the corner,
resonating silence in the cops' ears,
miranda rights read from your fears,
spill out as you sit in the dirty back seat.

Line 3... fears seems really forced. And I think you half assed it with the word dirty on the last line


Overall, I'd say good job :] I like art that touches the dirt of the world.


If you've got the time you could critique my piece, "Nothing Relevant", should still be on the first page.
#8
Thanks. I did yours, it's pretty good.

I see what you're saying. When I wrote this, I pictured in my mind this arrogant bastard who thought he was really something because he could make good money giving sex for a living. Obviously, I didn't get that across very well. I'm going to seriously work on that. The chorus was meant to be viewed as irony, due to his profession and attitude. Now that I read it, you can't really tell, so I will work on that as well. The last verse, also I agree with what you said, I'll look at that and revise it. And yes, that was a half-ass job on the last line. 'Twas a random detail thrown in to make the line work. I'll work on that and put something meaningful on there. Thanks again.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#9
I did full crit this, bitching technology. I'll make clear my main points:

Pitches made for working the corner

and lines similar, I just did not understand/like, they made little sense to me.

I liked the change in tone and overall th epiece. I really didn't find much to critique here, oriingal and a good read
#10
I was afraid of that. I had each verse like one sentence, with the first line the complete subject, the third and fourth either participles or appositives, and then the last line as the complete predicate. I guess that would be kinda confusing reading it. How would you suggest I redo my verses out of that structure. Any additional help is appreciated. Thanks for looking at it.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#11
I like it

I mean I dont really come into the S&L forum much so I dont think I can give a real in-depth crit, but for what its worth I think its really interesting


When you were a young boy,
clean faced and innocent,
pure with every intent,
did you dream of these wasted nights?

Oh boy toy, crawl over here.
Whips and bondgae in teeth.
You're a fine specimen,
for the fellows on Block D.
You'll make a great bitch in prison.

^especially these lines, but you should make it clearer what he did before he goes to jail
#12
Hey, thanks. I'm glad you liked it.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#13
Pitches made for working the corner,
arrogance radiates from every wink,
innocence forgotten in a burning blink,
make their sell in the desolate city night.

--INTERESTING START, BUT IT WORKS RATHER WELL. WINK/BLINK, KIND OF A WEAK RHYME, I'M A LITTLE SCARED AS TO HOW YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP WITH THE RHYME SCHEME. LAST LINE SOUNDS GOOD, BUT TO ME, IT'S A BIT MUCH, BUT I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT YET.

When you were a young boy,
clean faced and innocent...

--VERY MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. NOT SURE WHERE YOU'RE GOING ON THIS ...

Grins saved for working the corner,
fleeting flashes of impurity and sin,
wearing your pretty little face thin,
told me what fun you could be.

--GOOD STRUCTURE, DIGGING HOW THE SECOND FULL VERSE IS SIMILAR TO THE FIRST. ALLITERATION ON THE SECOND LINE WAS SUPERB. CAUGHT ME A LITTLE BY SURPRISE SINCE IT'S NO PRESENT IN THE FIRST VERSE, BUT LIKE I SAID, I LIKE IT. STARTING TO GET A CLEAR IDEA OF WHAT THE PIECE IS ABOUT, SO I GOT THAT GOING FOR ME.

When you were a young boy,
clean faced and innocent,
pure with every intent,
did you dream of these wasted nights?

--NOT A REAL BIG FAN OF THIS PART. SOUNDS GOOD, BUT IT SOUNDS THE SAME AS THE 100'S OF OTHER TIMES THAT IT'S BEEN USED AS WELL.

Oh boy toy, crawl over here.
Whips and bondgae in teeth.
You're a fine specimen,
for the fellows on Block D.
You'll make a great bitch in prison.

--BONDGAE? HOPE THAT IS A TYPO. UNFORTUNENTLY IT MADE ME LAUGH THOUGH, AND SOMEHOW, I DON'T THINK IT WAS SUPPOSED TO. I THINK THAT THIS PART (THE CHORUS MAYBE) IS JUST SO OUT THERE THAT I CAN'T TAKE IT SERIOUS. WAY TOO MUCH 2 LIVE CREW.

Muffled screams from working the corner,
resonating silence in the cops' ears,
miranda rights read from your fears,
spill out as you sit in the dirty back seat.

--EARS/FEARS IS REALLY THE FIRST TIME WE HAVE SOME FORCED RHYMING. I SEE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, BUT THIS PART NEATS SOME FLOW WORK. HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY TO SAY THIS

When you were a young boy,
clean faced and innocent,
pure in all intents,
did you dream of these wasted nights?

Oh boy toy, crawl over here.
Whips and bondgae in teeth.
You're a fine specimen,
for the fellows on Block D.
You'll make a great bitch in prison.

Oh boy toy,
You'll make a great bitch in prison.

--DECENT ENDING, IT WORKS. DOESN'T LEAVE THAT "DAMN THIS WAS A GREAT PEICE
FEELING AFTER READING IT, BUT IT CERTIANTLY ISN'T TERRIBLE.

Overall, I think this piece is pretty good. Like I just said, it wasn't blow-me-away type stuff that I've read on here, but it has some strong points and good potential.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#14
Thanks. I actually had the chorus in there so the whole thing wouldn't be as serious as all of my other ones. It's actually amusing to me, then again, I happen to be a sick individual, so it may just be me.

Oh yeah, what would you suggest for a better ending?
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep