#2
Two tomatos crossing the road.

A truck passes by and sqashes one of them.

So the other one says "get up,ketchup!".
Purple string dampener scrunchy.
#3
Knock Knock.....

Who's there?

Doorbell Repairman


thats not my personal joke thats just a lame one i heard
We may be divorced..... but we're still cousins

I came 2nd in the January 2007 Punk-0-Matic Tournament
Quote by Rankles
I frequently put capes on all my teeth and they go out fighting crime together.
#5
Quote by blynd_snyper
what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire


see you next month!



dude thats horrible, funny though
Quote by dogfennell
Whats a "liemthe guy?"
#6
oh......um.......a....g......how many times has this been done?
oh what the hell.....ill humor him....
my favorite joke is...this thread.... there i said it...
Quote:
guy-get an ak-47 shoot him and blame it on his dog
man-he dont have one... can someone siriously help me?!
guy-just jack one froma local pet store. throw it in his yard. shoot him. duck tape the ak-14 to the dogs paw. run.. use gloves.
#9
Quote by blynd_snyper
what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire


see you next month!

badda boom tschhhh


i dont get it
We may be divorced..... but we're still cousins

I came 2nd in the January 2007 Punk-0-Matic Tournament
Quote by Rankles
I frequently put capes on all my teeth and they go out fighting crime together.
#10
I don't get it either.
New To Town With A Made Up Name

In The Angel's City

Chasing Fortune And Fame
09/03/2012
#11
Quote by Jakester
i dont get it


women= bleed monthly, you get it now
Quote by dogfennell
Whats a "liemthe guy?"
#12
worst joke ever =


sure you can tune a guitar,


but you can't tune-a fish!


dayum
Leader of The Mighty Powermetal Brethren. PM me to join.

ALL HAIL DYSTOPIA!!!

Angry Mob
#13
Here,s one for us men , as payback time to all you girls .
Expecting plenty of flack from this .

How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food, and beer
#14
Quote by bullykai

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food, and beer

priceless
Quote by dogfennell
Whats a "liemthe guy?"
#15
Quote by bullykai
Here,s one for us men , as payback time to all you girls .
Expecting plenty of flack from this .

How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food, and beer



BEST JOKE EVAH!!!

Seriously!
Purple string dampener scrunchy.
#17
^ bullykay that was hillarious!
i lol'd.
Quote:
guy-get an ak-47 shoot him and blame it on his dog
man-he dont have one... can someone siriously help me?!
guy-just jack one froma local pet store. throw it in his yard. shoot him. duck tape the ak-14 to the dogs paw. run.. use gloves.
#18
Quote by blynd_snyper
what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire


see you next month!

badda boom tschhhh

Hehe, that was on Blade Trinity. I got heaps of jokes.

Q: What's the difference between a chicken and the Kyoto Protocol?
A: One is a domestic fowl; the other is an international convention on climate change.

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: "Where's my tractor?"

Knock Knock
Come in.

Q: What is the difference between an apple?
A: The more you polish, it gets.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of bloody joke?"

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Leprechaun walk into a bar. The Leprechaun looks around and says,
"Darnit! I'm in the wrong joke!"

Rabbi turns to the other two and says,
"Hey, did you hear the one about us?"

Three people of different nationalities walk into the bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb.

How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task? A finite number: one to perform the task and an additional number to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

A foreign man is flying in an airplane. He points out of the window at the unfamiliar countryside below and exclaims, "No soap... radio?"

Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, "Pass the soap." The second one says, "No soap, radio!"

Two elephants are sitting in the bathtub. One elephant says to the Other, "Please pass the soap." The elephant replies to the other elephant, "What do I look like, a radio?"

Q: Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?
A: Oh, I'm terribly sorry sir, I’ll replace this with a fresh bowl of soup and I’ll have a word with the manager to see if we can deduct a sum from your bills for the inconvenience we have caused you.

A man takes off his belt to hang himself, and his pants fall down.

Suicide just isn't funny, no matter which way you slice it.

It takes a unique sense of humour to appreciate these jokes. One I have!
#19
There was a pink salesman in a pink suit with a pink tie and a pink car with a pink hood ornament and a pink pen in his pink pocket. He was driving down the pink road in the pink city until his pink car ran out of pink gas. He ran out of pink gas in front of a pink motel with a pink lady in a pink dress with a pink ribbon in her pink hair and pink glasses on her pink face. She gives the man a pink room and he goes to sleep in his pink bed with a pink pillow. A pink man is in his pink jogging suit with his pink tennis shoes and his pink sweatbands and he gets tired so he stops at the pink motel and rents a pink room then goes to sleep in his pink bed. A pink woman in her pink SUV with a pink sticker that said her pink son was on pink honor roll, now stops at the pink hotel because she had been driving on the pink road for a day and was tired. She gets the pink room from the pink lady and goes to sleep in her pink bed. The next morning the 3 people arise from their pink beds, leave their pink rooms, walk down the pink steps into the pink dining room. They sit down in their pink chairs at the pink table and the pink waitress asks if they would like pink frosted flakes or pink fruit loops. The pink salesman still in his pink PJs said he wants pink frosted flakes. She pours his pink frosted flakes with the pink milk in his pink bowl and gives him a pink spoon. The pink exerciser asks for pink fruit loops.She pours his pink fruit loops with the pink milk in his pink bowl and gives him a pink spoon. The pink soccer mom asks for pink frosted flakes and the lady pours her pink frosted flakes into her pink bowl with pink milk and gives her a pink spoon to enjoy the pink breakfast...The moral of the story: 2 out of 3 people prefer frosted flakes to fruit loops.
#20
2 hunters are walking thru a forest one drops to the floor not breathing. the other phones the emergency services
"hello? i think my friend is dead!"
"dont worry are u sure he's dead?"
"i'll be right back"
*thers slience then a shot*
"yea done that now what?"
#22
theirs 2 guys wanting sex, so they decide to go see some hookers, but ones poor so he says to the other "do u know anyone cheep?" the other guy says" yeah man, sandpaper sally will do anything for 10 bucks" so they go see the hookers and the guy goes up to sandpaper sally and says "how much for a root?" she replies :"$5"
so their having sex, then he says "ahh, its really rough" she says "oh sorry, ill be back in a minute" she goes into the bathroom and comes out 2 minutes later and they continue smoothly. afterwards he says "how did you go from being so rough to smooth?" she says "i just went and picked the scabs off"
#23
A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the
register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,
so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some
brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied
that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and
called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms,
Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and
like most men, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got
up to the
register, he told the checker that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have
some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he
stated that he didn't
know. She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and
said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was a teenage boy. He thought
what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had
any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he
thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the
checker he
needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She
reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
then picked up the intercom and said...


(you'll love this one...................)


"Cleanup, Register 5" !!
#25
What do you call a black man flying a plane?


A Pilot, you racist!
#26
Couple having sex and the guy asks his girlfriend what stinks?
She says it's her arthritis...
He asks where , in ur vagina?
She said no , in my shoulder I can't wipe my a$$ !!!
WhY ???
#27
Quote by shav0r
What do you call a black man flying a plane?


A Pilot, you racist!



lmao,

well im not racist


i think everyone should have a black slave
We may be divorced..... but we're still cousins

I came 2nd in the January 2007 Punk-0-Matic Tournament
Quote by Rankles
I frequently put capes on all my teeth and they go out fighting crime together.
#30
Quote by chubbychunks
Bomb Defused! Counter Terrorists win!


i went .............HAH!!!!............... and laughed out loud
We may be divorced..... but we're still cousins

I came 2nd in the January 2007 Punk-0-Matic Tournament
Quote by Rankles
I frequently put capes on all my teeth and they go out fighting crime together.
#31
A guy needs to dig a hole but he doesnt want too.

A jew passes by and asks him if he can give him a job.

So the guy is like "Take that shovel and start diging".

The jew is like "Their is no motor on this shovel".

So the guy is like "Where have you seen a shovel with a motor?".

And the jew is like "Where have you seen a jew with a shovel?".


Jews pwn,fact.
Purple string dampener scrunchy.
#33
Dont tell me,you have to ride on it without any pants or underwear?
Purple string dampener scrunchy.
#35
What did the ice cube say to the glass?


...wait for it......


nothing, ice cubes can't talk bwahahahahahahahahha
#36
A mother accidently walks in on her son in the bathroom, and finds him furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush. "What do you think you're doing, young man?!" She exclaims. "Don't try and stop me' he warns, 'I'm going to do this 3 times a day, because there is no way I'm getting a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister's!"
Is it a bad thing if one of your testicles is larger then the other two?
#37
Quote by iamded
Hehe, that was on Blade Trinity. I got heaps of jokes.

Q: What's the difference between a chicken and the Kyoto Protocol?
A: One is a domestic fowl; the other is an international convention on climate change.

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: "Where's my tractor?"

Knock Knock
Come in.

Q: What is the difference between an apple?
A: The more you polish, it gets.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of bloody joke?"

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Leprechaun walk into a bar. The Leprechaun looks around and says,
"Darnit! I'm in the wrong joke!"

Rabbi turns to the other two and says,
"Hey, did you hear the one about us?"

Three people of different nationalities walk into the bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb.

How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task? A finite number: one to perform the task and an additional number to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

A foreign man is flying in an airplane. He points out of the window at the unfamiliar countryside below and exclaims, "No soap... radio?"

Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, "Pass the soap." The second one says, "No soap, radio!"

Two elephants are sitting in the bathtub. One elephant says to the Other, "Please pass the soap." The elephant replies to the other elephant, "What do I look like, a radio?"

Q: Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?
A: Oh, I'm terribly sorry sir, I’ll replace this with a fresh bowl of soup and I’ll have a word with the manager to see if we can deduct a sum from your bills for the inconvenience we have caused you.

A man takes off his belt to hang himself, and his pants fall down.

Suicide just isn't funny, no matter which way you slice it.

It takes a unique sense of humour to appreciate these jokes. One I have!