#1
Can you hear the far away siren?
Somebody’s hurting past the window, out there.
But we burry our faces in white pillow cases
In the washed out white city,
No one sleeps, no one cares.

And your neck is so bare, when it lies on my shoulder,
Outside of our own well defined and marked borders.
It gotten so chilly quite early this season
And your scarf’s in the wash for no reason.

Can you hear the near by siren?
It’s the wake up call we’ve been waiting for
And the knock on our door plays second fiddle
To the poisonous darts, hitting our hearts,
Splitting it right through the middle.

In a washed out white city no one cares
That your neck is left bare
But me.
This is not a pipe
#2
Can you hear the far away siren?
Somebody’s hurting past the window, out there.
But we burry our faces in white pillow cases
In the washed out white city,
No one sleeps, no one cares.

this line i dnt like 1st line has gr8 opening but this ones a bit weak . something better can be here
instaed try no one sleeps and cares in the city that i live yeah i know it affects ur rhyming scheme but it sounds much better in my head


And your neck is so bare, when it lies on my shoulder,
Outside of our own well defined and marked borders.
It gotten so chilly quite early this season
And your scarf’s in the wash for no reason.



i liked it

Can you hear the near by siren?
It’s the wake up call we’ve been waiting for
And the knock on our door plays second fiddle
To the poisonous darts, hitting our hearts,
Splitting it right through the middle.


pretty good

In a washed out white city no one cares
That your neck is left bare
But me.
__________________

overall i think its ok but to me some words are forcelly rhymed and sylabbles have not been accounted for
other than that story telling was gr8
Hi
#3
I liked this carmy, though it seems like you have been doing too much laundry lately... This gave me some decent images throughout, and had a nice feeling at the end, but certainly not up there with your best, which is a tough feat for any piece.
#4
I like it, not much more than that though.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
Can you hear the far away siren?
Somebody’s hurting past the window, out there.
But we burry our faces in white pillow cases
In the washed out white city,
No one sleeps, no one cares.

I like this first stanza alot, especially L3 "But we burry our faces in white pillow cases" seems to roll off my tongue when I read it, and I read it twice. Internal rhyme is always a nice way to offset normal or abnormal rhyming patterns.

And your neck is so bare, when it lies on my shoulder,
Outside of our own well defined and marked borders.
It gotten so chilly quite early this season
And your scarf’s in the wash for no reason.

This stanza isn't quite as good as the first in my opinion, L2 seemed to mess the flow up for me, I think maybe if you took the word "marked" out it might flow better, but I understand that you might have been tying to match the syllable count of L1, but maybe you could shorten them both to be more proportioned to L3 and L4, which are really good by the way.

Can you hear the near by siren?
It’s the wake up call we’ve been waiting for
And the knock on our door plays second fiddle
To the poisonous darts, hitting our hearts,
Splitting it right through the middle.

I like this stanza mostly because it's written like the first one, I don't think it's quite as good, but it's still good, the internal rhyme is still a good thing, and the "And the knock on our door plays second fiddle - To the poisonous darts, hitting our hearts - Splitting it right through the middle." part is excellent unto itself, the flow of these three lines are great.

In a washed out white city no one cares
That your neck is left bare
But me.

A nice solemn way to end this...

Overall I thought this was really good, I read the title and expected all sorts of different subjects as possibilities, but to be honest this wasn't one of them. Keep up the good writing and feel free to crit one of mine if you'd like, they're both in the sig because I think they've both been pushed way past the far reaches of page 1...
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
Last edited by punkrockconcept at Jan 13, 2007,