#1
So yeah I havent posted in forever on these forums, but this is a poem i wrote the other day
Just thought Id share it with you =)
Crit for crit like always


All my emotions

Funnel down

Into the fine point in my pencil

And spill out onto thin sheets of notebook paper

Hardly enough to contain my love for you

And as we hold hands and walk near the roadside,

I hesitate and miss

But as they say, the third times the charm

Static feelings invade the gaps still left in my heart

And for you, I dont plan on moving any time soon

Youve stolen my thoughts

Youve stolen my love

Youve stolen my heart

And still I welcome you with arms wide open

Because everything youve taken,

Ive always wanted to give

To someone like you


Yup I know love poems are cliche etc etc but any suggestions?
#3
maybe if you made it more specific and vague at the same time (i'll explain, i promise) it wouldn't come off as cliche.

like instead of emotion put passion. and make it less personal (not in the meaning, but the delivery at the beginning at least)

All the passion
Funnels down
Into a fine point of mica. (since pencils aren't actually lead now)
It drips out onto shallow sheets of paper
Not deep enough to contain my love.

is how i would put the beginning.

what i meant earlier is that maybe your word choice should be more specific, but your delivery a little less blunt.

it's good as it is, but there's always room for improvement.
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#6
I liked it, the only change Id make is the line to "and still I welcome you with open arms"
Not sure if I like the title,Im sure theres something else you can call it, but other than those 2 points it was good.
#7
you can use it if you want, but i better get royalties if you get famous
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#8
liked it up until:
But as they say, the third times the charm

i wasnt so fond of this lline and the rest brought it down too. i loved the first few lines. i thought you were goign to talk about not being able to write and then BAM another love song...... not bad until that line thoughj