#1
Alright, so yeah this is a revision of As I die for you. One of my last noteable pieces.

So the chorus sucked but i just took the skelton of the song and changed it a bit, still working on finding a good chorus, but this is bassically a brand new song...

I have two ideas for a chorus i have the marked with this
Possible Chorus
So yeah, if you like one of those tell me, if you think i need to keep those as verses and work on a chorus let me know.

Also I need suggestions for good titles for this one.

"Title Pending"
---------
When your heavenly eyes lay upon me
I feel my heart shatter
Into bits and pieces
Of broken glass that cannot be mended back together.
Yet I let you tread into my life,
But you bring along grief and misery.
And I know when you're with him you're never missing me.

Thinking your love would heal the sore
I always let you walk through the door
Never accepting that your love was like a knife
Slowly stabbing away at my life.

Possible Chorus
The lacerations you left me
Are the scars of your love
The burn marks on my heart
Are caused by the fire of your hatred!


Possible Chorus
This burning hatred deep within me
Continues to grow in my viens
It will erupt in the form of your pain
All because you betrayed me!

Sitting on the ground
stained with blood all around
I feel my hand shake
It feels like an earth quake
The bloody knife slips from my hand
Staring down at the ground
My eyes fall upon the bloody corpse of my love

(bridge)
I loved you
You loved me
All you did was betray my trust(repeat x2)

(final chorus)
Your word was all you had
Now you have nothing
You lost the trust of everyone
and You lost your life!
-----

C4C as always, I hope this lives up to better expectations of my readers.
#2
When your heavenly eyes lay upon me
I feel my heart shatter
Into bits and pieces
Of broken glass that cannot be mended back together.
Yet I let you tread into my life,
But you bring along grief and misery.
And I know when you're with him you're never missing me.

I like the imagery here. For the second line, I wouldn't suggest not saying that you feel you're heart shattering. Just say it is, don't tell us you fell your heart shatter. Since you don't talk about what you feel anywhere else, that really sticks out and weakens that line. This is just personal opinion, but I think the bits and pieces of glass is overdone, I would suggest looking for something else to get the point across. Either that or play on the glass more to tie in the rest. Another thing about that line, I would take off 'back together' at the end of it. I think that is really implied and it sounds better to me without it when you read it out loud. In the sixth line, I don't understand the use of 'but', I don't really see what it is contradicting.

Thinking your love would heal the sore
I always let you walk through the door
Never accepting that your love was like a knife
Slowly stabbing away at my life.

This verse is great. It's simple, but gets the point across. I like the alliteration in the last line, but the imagery confused me a bit. This could just be me, but the connotative meaning of stabbing severely clashes with slow. I can't really picture someone slowly stabbing away at someone, if you know what I mean. That's just me though, more a personal preference.

Possible Chorus
The lacerations you left me
Are the scars of your love
The burn marks on my heart
Are caused by the fire of your hatred!


Possible Chorus
This burning hatred deep within me
Continues to grow in my viens
It will erupt in the form of your pain
All because you betrayed me!

IMO, both of these are very cliche. I would suggest refraining from the use of pain, fire, hatred, etc. Try to think outside of the box and rewrite these.

Sitting on the ground
stained with blood all around
I feel my hand shake
It feels like an earth quake
The bloody knife slips from my hand
Staring down at the ground
My eyes fall upon the bloody corpse of my love

Here, I think imagery is most important to get the verse to really have the impact you need. In the first line, I would suggest using a stronger verb than 'sitting'. In the second line, I wouldn't use blood, since you use it later. Try something that describes the blood without directly telling you it's blood, like crimson, scarlet, etc. Just be sure not to overuse blood.

(bridge)
I loved you
You loved me
All you did was betray my trust(repeat x2)

This is fine. Flows well and is perfect for a bridge.

(final chorus)
Your word was all you had
Now you have nothing
You lost the trust of everyone
and You lost your life!

The last line is too simple, IMO, to really finish off this song. Lacks the subtleness the rest of the song had. We know she's dead, the other verse takes care of that, try to put new info here. You don't want the ending to be strictly repetition of previously given imagery and info, it seems really redundant.

Overall, I like this, it's awesome. With some revision, this could be really kickass. Hope this helps you.

BTW, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at mine, it's in the sig. Thanks.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#3
(Thinking your love would heal the sore
I always let you walk through the door
Never accepting that your love was like a knife
Slowly stabbing away at my life.)
Nice work. I love this part.

And i like the 2nd possible chorus than the 1st one.
#4
Bro, I like the verses... I would leave them the way they are, now the chorus issue... I don't like either, the use of burning hatred is just dull compared to the rest of the piece.... maybe something like

The bitter disgust brooding deep within me
Continues to grow in my viens
It will erupt in the form of your pain
All because you betrayed me!

But I dunno, if you just change up that first line of the second chorus it would probably work much better... anyhoo, overall I liked it 8/10 just brush it up a bit... links to mine in sig