#1
This is all I have so far. I was sitting by the computer and it just came to me. Please criticize!!

Is there a meaning
Is there a catch
To living life
Without a stretch
Staying in the same place
It just isn’t me
Sometimes it’s hard
But I’ve gotta break free

[chorus]

How complicated is it
To get to where Iwanta go
How easy is it to sit home
No tears I show
But I’m crying inside
And I can’t leave
Because I trapped
Inside a desolate world

***Please criticize!!!
#2
Quote by ~Melody~

Is there a meaning
Is there a catch
To living life
Without a stretch
Staying in the same place
It just isn’t me
Sometimes it’s hard
But I’ve gotta break free
Good good...I like...catch and stretch forced but still good...I am feeling a bit of Ska going on
[chorus]

How complicated is it
To get to where I want a go
How easy is it to sit home
No tears I show
But I’m crying inside
And I can’t leave
Because I am trapped
Inside a desolate world
Okay, not bad...not badI dont like Line 4..fixed a couple grammar and typing errors


Good draft so far, I like it, needs a chorus, unless the less thing was the chorus...

I hope it's ska because it feels like it..

check out my new one
#3
Expand man...Throw in metaphors and make it longer. The meaning is far too aparant, you want readers (or listeners) to dig deep into what youre saying to get it. Although my writing is very very inferior, I enjoy reading deep poetry. Try looking at stuff Maynard James Keenan or Roger Waters wrote.

I hope this isnt ska....please dont tell me its ska.
Last edited by SlinkyMcdougall at Jan 13, 2007,
#4
i agree with Slinky on this. try to expand your vocabulary. not that you have to use larger words, but more precise words convey more meaning and more sincere emotion. and don't get stuck on using the same metaphors/similes as everyone else. "break free" and phrases like those make it seem superficial
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.