#1
Just jotted this up, tell me what you think. Critique for critique.

Nothing Relevant.

The window on the particle board set up screens a crane shot over some major city. Freeze frame over dreaming pilgrims traveling in circles. Focus in on the olive flesh in the yellow checkered chariot, dragging an Armani mannequin from pavement to pavement to printer.

When he arrives the face attached to the headset will look as it always has; ugly or beautiful, it doesn't matter. Really, extremities are all the same.

The box upon the desk upon the hidden coffee stain upon the carpet, spits out copies of something important, something relevant to every living(spending) thing. He looks down with shining eyes, and shoves them to the shredder.

Cut to the sun, burning just hot enough so the kids with the bright green ropes have enough sweat on their brows to excuse trespassing the company fountain. They smile, so pure as they splash around before their diluted future.

Their future stares with envy four stories down, and it destroys something else of capital importance.

And in the end there isn't one, as the narrator and an empty bottle watch while empty words travel at the speed of ink, and he chops his fingers off.
Last edited by clichealias at Jan 14, 2007,
#3
Blackdotted.

Despite anything, your writing is still great.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
Bare with me, I don't know how to crit something like this, so this is my weak attempt.

This is great. It flows well and the lexicon you used really raises the value of the whole thing. I like the metaphors and wit used. I really liked "Really, extremeties are the same thing." Very clever, man. The only thing that caught my eye was the end. To me, it lacked to flow the rest of the piece had, especially the last clause. Other than that, great job.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
ya i dont really know how to crit this kind of thing either. it sounds really good and evrything fits well. the second stanza thing stood out most to me, seemed kind of like the centrepeice of the whole thing but idk. very good tho, sorry i cant give a better crit. thanks for doing mine btw
#6
Eh, I don't know about changing that last bit. But thanks for the compliments/critiques.
#7
I REALLY liked this piece. i'm not used to crit-ing this kind of stuff as other have said, but I'll try. The flow was pretty consistenet throughout until the end, har to explain, it just didn't match how the rest of your wrting went. Great use of vocab and style was something only you've got. PLease crit mine, FRIEND
#8
Very deep lyrics - not very accesible i.e I had to read it three times before I started to get the gist. Perhaps a few too many metaphore (sounds like you are trying to be too clever, overkill)

Don't get me wrong though better than anything I have ever written, very poetic and my kind of lyrics.

Excellent job (sounds like Radiohead except more words)

crit mine please - Checks & Balances
#9
Wow I like this a lot, mainly because its so clever and well written but its not frustrating to follow. I mean who wants to just read something beautiful but get nothing out of it. Thats not the case with this piece.

When he arrives the face attached to the headset will look as it always has; ugly or beautiful, it doesn't matter. Really, extremities are all the same.

I'm officially in love with those lines.

One thing though is I think it flows better if you say "The future that stares..." instead of just "Their future..." just a tiny suggestion though. Great job.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=504148
#10
Fight Club? Either way, I really liked it. The only complaints I have is that the wording is sometimes awkward, for instance in the last line where I got held up multiple times re-reading it, but maybe that's just me. And the "every living(spending) thing" part, I felt was giving it away too much. I think you should use one word or the other, not both, but if you use "living" it might miss your point, or if you use "spending" it might seem kind of vague. I don't know, your call. But yeah, great writing, nice piece.
#11
Thanks guys. I'll get to those this pieces this evening. I would right now, but I need to sleep more, haven't slept hardly at all these past 3 days.

Oh and astra, I love me some chuck :]

Qoasis, these aren't lyrics.
#12
okayy, got to all of your pieces fellars

Not sure if you had anything up ad astra, if you do, just send me a link in a PM and I'd be happy to get to it :]

Any feedback would be much appreciated.
#14
Great Imagery in the first stanza. Okay just finished, it seems you almost use to much description, other than that it's a great piece. Sorry for the short crit, I might edit this and add more.
#15
Hmm. It's nice, but I'm not sure its effective. You've described, the kids looking up to the future and the future looking back to the past. But, as far as I can tell, it's not the nostalgia that really gets people but the "what could have beens." I got a Myspace bulletin that was all like "Remember before you had a cell phone and you played tag..." and all that shit and it didn't really bother me. That's part of life, being a kid. Once you get past a certain age it's nice to look back, but it's not the whimsical childish memories that really get you down.

A Christmas Carol is a pretty good example of this. Scrooge gets to go back in time, but he doesn't see a memory that made him happy, he sees a memory that had a potential to make him happy. He sees himself with the future ahead of him and all the possibilities and then when he gets back to the present he's pissed because he no longer has that future. So it's a nice piece and some really good imagery, but if you're gonna have it about this guy in the corporate world who hates himself, stick with that and leave the kids out.

Rock On
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#16
okay...bear with me now....so, i was taking a crap and this is what it reminded me of. I thought i was going to vomit and that would have ruined everything ive worked so hard at tonight...getting drunk. Other than that your first word "the" was great.... but after that it just went downhill. Better luck next time!
#17
Quote by XII
okay...bear with me now....so, i was taking a crap and this is what it reminded me of. I thought i was going to vomit and that would have ruined everything ive worked so hard at tonight...getting drunk. Other than that your first word "the" was great.... but after that it just went downhill. Better luck next time!


Thank you for those words of wisdom.
#18
It's a little overabundant in it's pretention, but it's still a fun piece. While the ideas are kind typical "gen x" nonsense, I still like the way you deliver it even if it may be kind of cliche. ALIASl lololoool.

anyways, maybe for a next piece try to stretch out of your comfort zone because from what I remember this is how all of your pieces use to be like depressing commentary on current social norms. It's fun to write about that but you always need some contrast to prove you are an actual honest person and not some kind of world hatin' robot.
#19
Quote by XII
okay...bear with me now....so, i was taking a crap and this is what it reminded me of. I thought i was going to vomit and that would have ruined everything ive worked so hard at tonight...getting drunk. Other than that your first word "the" was great.... but after that it just went downhill. Better luck next time!


Clich, I'm on this badboy tonight, sorry for the delay.

As for you ^^ warnsville!
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#20
ok, just like everyone else said I have no idea where to begin on a piece like this... I am incapable of writing this kind of thing so I don't believe my crit for it will be any good, furthermore I'm pretty sure everything that can be said about it already has... and I agree with the overkill on the metaphors, kind of gets confusing about half way through... sorry I couldn't crit better, when you write a new piece pm me the link and I will crit it for you... thank you for the crit as well... (I did like this piece though, even if it is just a tad beyond me)
#21
Quote by C@sper
ok, just like everyone else said I have no idea where to begin on a piece like this... I am incapable of writing this kind of thing so I don't believe my crit for it will be any good, furthermore I'm pretty sure everything that can be said about it already has... and I agree with the overkill on the metaphors, kind of gets confusing about half way through... sorry I couldn't crit better, when you write a new piece pm me the link and I will crit it for you... thank you for the crit as well... (I did like this piece though, even if it is just a tad beyond me)


It's okay man... I have one question though, I'm not really certain what is taken away from the piece with my use of literary elements. Could anyone elaborate on what they mean by that exactly?
#22
This was very well written, but the whole piece seemed at often times to be a bit irrelevant to itself, no crack at the title.

However it was a good piece that I enjoyed reading from start to finish which actually reminded me a bit of my newest piece in part of your piece's theme. Check it out if you would please. Ovalish Orange.
#23
Quote by BluePaintCult
This was very well written, but the whole piece seemed at often times to be a bit irrelevant to itself, no crack at the title.

However it was a good piece that I enjoyed reading from start to finish which actually reminded me a bit of my newest piece in part of your piece's theme. Check it out if you would please. Ovalish Orange.


Hmm... which parts didn't seem relevant to the rest?
#24
first of all, i had to read this piece about 3 times because the true meaning escaped me, no fault of your own i'm just a little slow sometimes. Its that deep.

first stanza (or whatever you wanna call it) painted the vivid scenery. reminded me of a screenplay. i think you mightve been going for that?

2nd stanza: not really sure about this. just about a guy giving into the monotony of 9-5 life? liked the headset bit though.

3rd: i liked how throughout the whole piece you put a mental image in my head. nuff said

4: change of scenery to the outside world. once again amazing imagery and choice of words (i.e. the green jump ropes for some reason made me reminisce and the trespassing on the company fountain made me smile)

5: sadness/impending doom. past and futures are represented

6: the ending almost made me laugh because i was not expecting it at all. once again another vital role in writing (and one i dont have a very good concept of) is the ability to capture the readers attention and then suprise them or keep them guessing.

overeall i thought it was, in my own choice of poor vocabulary, badass. hahahaha good job 10/10
Selling a FZ-2 Hyper Fuzz. 35 o.b.o. Any takers?
#25
I'm not sure I deserve a ten out of ten, but thanks none the less, haha.

I just got out of work so I'm a bit too tired to give you a good critique right now.
I'll hopefully get to your piece tonight, as soon as I get the ambition to get some coffee... (I love irony)