#1
This song was really meant just as a way to vent, so it's not really that good (IMO). I kinda feel bashful about these, and well...you know... It feels cliche (IMO) so any suggestions would be nice And as always: Crit4Crit
and BTW...to anyone whose seen my previous works...this ISN'T supposed to be Iron Maiden-esque...lol :P

verse 1
Since I first saw your face
I knew that I wanted to be with you
But then I learned that what you want
Doesn't always come true
I think about you every day and night, and just
The very thought of you
Makes all my troubles fly away
But without you I'm blue

chorus X2
I missed my chance 'cause I waited too long
And now your gone forever
I wish I told you how I felt before, then maybe
We'd be together

verse 2
I still get to see you every day, and you
Stop me in my tracks
But then I remember it'll never be, and the
Emptiness builds inside of me
I try to fill it up but it won't go away
Looks like it's here to stay
If only you could be with me, that would
fulfill my every fantasy

Solo
Chorus X2
solo
Last edited by ARCtrooper225 at Jan 21, 2007,
#2
verse 1
Since I first saw your face
I knew that I wanted to be with you
But then I learned that what you want
Doesn't always come true
I think about you every day and night, and just
The very thought of you
Makes all my troubles fly away
But without you I'm blue

I like this it's sappy and cute in a good way, the only thing that bothers is the day and night part, that's cliche you hear it a lot.

chorus X2
I missed my chance 'cause I waited too long
And now your gone forever
I wish I told you how I felt before, then maybe
We'd be together

Nice catchy chorus, I could sing this in my head if I had the music.

verse 2
I still get to see you every day, and you
Stop me in my tracks
But then I remember it'll never be, and the
Emptiness builds inside of me
I try to fill it up but it won't go away
Looks like that it's here to stay
If only you could be with me, then that would
fulfill my every fantasy

this stanza is good I like a lot of it better than the first but some I don't. In my opinion L4 would serve you better if you removed the "of me" at the end. And like I remember telling someone in another crit, the "that" you used in L6 before it's and the "then" in L7 are words we use when we talk, but most lines say the same thing without them, if you re-read I think you'll see my point.

Solo
Chorus X2
solo

Overall this is nice little broken hearted love song, as cliche as they may seem, everybody will write one, and with a little revision this one could be decent... thanks for the crit, by the way the flow is supposed to be a little off beat, it's kinda like just a spoken word kinda thing...
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#3
verse 1
Since I first saw your face
I knew that I wanted to be with you
But then I learned that what you want
Doesn't always come true
I think about you every day and night, and just
The very thought of you
Makes all my troubles fly away
But without you I'm blue

I thought this stanza was ok it wasnt special i dont think the last line is needed it comes off the tongue much nicer without it. i liked the way you used day and night rather than night and day which is what i would normally say i dont know it seemed to stop it being a cliche for me for some reason, actually i guess it still is but it sounds at least a little different.

chorus X2
I missed my chance 'cause I waited too long
And now your gone forever
I wish I told you how I felt before, then maybe
We'd be together

Good chorus no complaints maybe make it a little longer add a couple of lines extra possibly rather than repeat it i dont know it probably will work well.

verse 2
I still get to see you every day, and you
Stop me in my tracks
But then I remember it'll never be, and the
Emptiness builds inside of me
I try to fill it up but it won't go away
Looks like it's here to stay
If only you could be with me, that would
fulfill my every fantasy

I think this stanzas much better than the first the guy above me critted one of my pieces saying about thats and thens and other words and it seems an interesting point i dont think it would affect it hugely if they are words that make the work flow well but if possible you could maybe use more descriptive words. I think that without the "then that would" on L7 it would flow much better. ithink the first four lines are very good and without that on the second half it would be a good stanza.
If youve got time check out my work in my sig cheers!
#4
Thats alright but i thought it was a bit short, i think it could do with another verse at the end i know your just venting.... i liked it
#5
verse 1
Since I first saw your face
I knew that I wanted to be with you
But then I learned that what you want
Doesn't always come true
I think about you every day and night, and just
The very thought of you
Makes all my troubles fly away
But without you I'm blue


I thought if anything, this was the most cliche' verse you had. I like the third and fourth line though here, "But then I learned that what you want, doesn't always come true." Great line.

chorus X2
I missed my chance 'cause I waited too long
And now your gone forever
I wish I told you how I felt before, then maybe
We'd be together


I actually like this chorus, even though it sounds like a pop song. Which I guess that kind of depends on how it's sung and the music that's there behind the lyrics, which can always make or break a song. But since I don't have either to go off of right now, that's just my take on it.

verse 2
I still get to see you every day, and you
Stop me in my tracks
But then I remember it'll never be, and the
Emptiness builds inside of me
I try to fill it up but it won't go away
Looks like it's here to stay
If only you could be with me, that would
fulfill my every fantasy


Ok, on this part, it by far has the best imagery and storyline. It's downfall is you changed your rhyming scheme which could potentially throw off a listener. Kinda changes the overtone, know what I mean? But that last line is the perfect way to end it.

Solo
Chorus X2
solo


Maybe an outro that includes some of the solo so it's not really redundent? Just a suggestion, switch it up a lil bit. Other than that, good song structure.

Feel free to check up on mine "Human Nature" https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=507938
#6
The first stanza has a lot of desire towards a girl. It's very nice to read out, but it seems too common. The without you i'm blue part is very cliche ish imo though, might want to make a better choice of words though for that.

Stanza numero deux looks well done, so I'd say you were fine there. Still, look into some options on a possible word change.

I agree with the above post, the 3rd stanza's imagery blows away the other parts of the song. Definitely a possible keeper.

Nice song
#7
verse 1
Since I first saw your face
I knew that I wanted to be with you
But then I learned that what you want
Doesn't always come true
I think about you every day and night, and just
The very thought of you
Makes all my troubles fly away
But without you I'm blue
this is ok, but you ended more than one line with "you" try not to do that, cause it starts to sound repetitive, and the last line is a cheesy rhyme and is used alot.

chorus X2
I missed my chance 'cause I waited too long
And now your gone forever
I wish I told you how I felt before, then maybe
We'd be together
this is fine how it is

verse 2
I still get to see you every day, and you
Stop me in my tracks
But then I remember it'll never be, and the
Emptiness builds inside of me
I try to fill it up but it won't go away
Looks like it's here to stay
If only you could be with me, that would
fulfill my every fantasy
to me it seems like in ur verses, u find one word, then thats the only rhyming you have in the verse, is with that one sound or word.
EX."..wont go away"
"...here to stay"
"....fantasy"
and you did the same thing with the first verse with the word"you" try finding more than 1 word to rhyme off of in one verse. but besides that, its ok.

crit mine
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=513467