#1
Wrapped in tradgedy
you found me
[Hidden beneath the stairs]
Born in darkness, hand in hand
Through this hell we carried on

KILL ME.

RAPE ME.

**** ME.

No end in [sight]

Lost three times yet born again
Brought back from the dead [by my hand]
Torn hide
****ed pride
****ed by thy God

Thrice dead
****ed head
Ultimate tradgedy

Pissed on.
By thine God
Who was NEVER
[mine]

You lost your mind
This irony it still unfolds
Like the skin upon your wrist
[first time]

TORN UP.
SPAT OUT.
WOUND ****ED.
He spoke of
[Apocolypse]

You watched the blood stream down
Knowing not what to do
I had to answer to your plea

Yet now you want...
[More?]

Take the pill
Fill the void
Of this empty square

Empty it 'till it fills

Do you truely want to die?
For if I had known
You would end it all...

You'd like that wouldn't you?

COLD. DEAD. GLASS. EYES.
#2
This was pretty bad :[

Lots cliches. Try channeling that anger of yours into something a little more meaningful.
Oh and you can't ask someone to rape you, oxymoros.
Last edited by clichealias at Jan 13, 2007,
#3
I'm surprised. I actually really like this. I like it.

I like how you phrased everything, the word choice is great. The ending is perfect and very dramatic. I couldn't see it as a song, but it's one hell of a poem, IMO. Great job, man.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#5
Quote by deathgaze666
>_> Do you know the definition of "cliche"
And there is no such word as "oxymoros"


It's latin.

I'm cool.

Maybe I was a little rough on you, but I just didn't feel like this brought anything new or interesting to the table. Death metal bores me. But, all in all, I apologize.
Last edited by clichealias at Jan 14, 2007,
#7
Quote by clichealias
It's latin.

I'm cool.

Maybe I was a little rough on you, but I just didn't feel like this brought anything new or interesting to the table. Death metal bores me. But, all in all, I apologize.


I actually wasn't going for deathmetal...more of a j-metal influence for me. Plus this song has a personal story behind it.
#9
i prefer this one over the last one i critted,

it is dark but does have a lot of feeling, and you can follow the story - good job.

M
#10
Quote by Qoasis
i prefer this one over the last one i critted,

it is dark but does have a lot of feeling, and you can follow the story - good job.

M


Thanks
#11
yeah this was cliche. and yes i do know the meaning of "cliche." and on top of that it was delivered in a very juvenile way. actually it, in some ways, reminds me of that song that Adam Sandler sings on the Wedding Singer.

but in general, you should try to take a more creative approach to song writing

so, good luck in your aspirations
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#12
Quote by deathgaze666
I actually wasn't going for deathmetal...more of a j-metal influence for me. Plus this song has a personal story behind it.


personal story is better than being sued for plagarism haha. I dont know what that ment.
#15
1 : a trite phrase or expression; also : the idea expressed by it
2 : a hackneyed theme, characterization, or situation
3 : something (as a menu item) that has become overly familiar or commonplace

this is the Merriam-Webster definition of cliche. notice numbers 1 and 2. "Trite" means, in case you didn't know, hackneyed or boring from much use : not fresh or original

so please be so kind as to explain how there aren't any "cliches" in this.
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.