#1
Hmm this is probably one of my favorites so I'd really appreciate any opinions on it. Also you can hear it at www.myspace.com/neighborfromhell. It'd be great to see what you think of the recording as well as the lyrics. crit for crit.


It was a slow day and I'm hanging my head
and I'll bid this all to rest
Cause' I was taken by the words that you said
I'll bury them til' further notice
(I'll bury them)

You know I can't be bothered
so I won't count the days
I'll just constantly check up
and try to patiently wait
just to hear that you're okay

I bet you'd laugh if you knew how bad i ache
just to be a passing thought
one that dances in your mind throughout the day
I'd be content with anything

You know I can't be bothered
so I won't count the days
I'll just constantly check up
and try to patiently wait
just to hear that you're okay
just to hear that you're okay

so subtle with the words you leave
I curse my lack of understanding

you know I...
I can't be bothered
so I won't count the days
#2
i like this. But I get a little lost with some of the parts. Who are you writing this to.
#3
I'm not necessarily writing it to anyone. Its just about wanting to be with someone but not being able to. and being unsure of whether they want to be with you or not.
#4
Wow! Very catchy. Not something common with most songwriters. You have a gift.

You know I can't be bothered
so I won't count the days
I'll just constantly check up
and try to patiently wait
just to hear that you're okay

The bolded line sort of takes away from the rest of the verse in my opinion. If you took it out, it would flow perfectly. The rest is great!

I bet you'd laugh if you knew how bad i ache
just to be a passing thought
one that dances in your mind throughout the day
I'd be content with anything

In this verse, I think "throughout" should be changed to "through" so it will flow better.

The rest is pretty good! As you grow as a writer your songs will get better and better. Soon you'll be great.

And thanks for the crit! :]

And just to explain a few of the lines:

"You're insecure, lost and you don't trust your map
When you're walking along it is strapped to your back"

The map represents security in a relationship.
This person feels a guarentee that the "map" will always be right there with him, but he's too stubborn to use it.

And...

"You need me the way you need water and food
You need me today and it's temporary to you"

Think of someone driving through a drive through.
They need the food they're buying: it's vital.
But they aren't going to appreciate it the next day, and it's completely temporary.
That's what I meant by those lines, lol. And thanks again for the crit.
Last edited by rockergirl1122 at Jan 15, 2007,
#5
I think that this is a pretty original song. The part that stood out most to me was "I'll just constantly check up, and try to patiently wait, just to hear that you're okay" It was very well written and I like how the song flows, even without rhyming throughout the whole song.

What I don't really like about the song is that there really isn't a 'story'. All of the stanza's seem like a bunch of jumbo peiced together to make a song. You should try to group your idea's into individual paragraphs instead of scattering them all over the song.

All in all, pretty well written. Keep 'em coming!

Sanjezz
#6
Very catchy song. The music with it makes it sound SOOO much better. Your voice ain't too abd either. Keep it up. I'd love to hear more and thanks fro criting mine
#7
It was a slow day and I'm hanging my head
and I'll bid this all to rest
Cause' I was taken by the words that you said
I'll bury them til' further notice
(I'll bury them)
It's all good except I don't like the last line. The word notice doesn't seem to fit at all

You know I can't be bothered
so I won't count the days
I'll just constantly check up
and try to patiently wait
just to hear that you're okay
This is good. I'd maybe try to reword the second and fourth lines

I bet you'd laugh if you knew how bad i ache
just to be a passing thought
one that dances in your mind throughout the day
I'd be content with anything
This is my favorite part. I like the third line a lot

You know I can't be bothered
so I won't count the days
I'll just constantly check up
and try to patiently wait
just to hear that you're okay
just to hear that you're okay

so subtle with the words you leave
I curse my lack of understanding
good bridge. nothing else to say about this part lol.

you know I...
I can't be bothered
so I won't count the days


What I just told you with that crit was just to play with the words. You have some great ideas and you got your point across easily while still being catchy which is what I try so hard to do. great work.

By the way the bullet part in my song threw me off too but when I thought of it I was like "I have to use it" and I'm working on the chorus I don't like that line either.
#8
This was okay. I would take a listen, but my connection isn't capable of doing so.

The only advice I can really offer this piece is... expand it. You don't really let us in on much throughout the entirety aside from the basic point that she doesn't care, and you do. Bring this to some sort of a conclusion, let us in on more; events leading up to this situation, more depth into your emotions. This is a good start.

-Jacob
#9
with so many crits already its difficult to write anything that hasn't already been said... although, when I read it... it gave me the feeling of writing to someone who is in the hospital for whatever reason... dunno why, thats just how I took it... I did like it however and if you send me a pm with a link for your next song (whenever you write it) ill crit it for you as well.. thank you for the crit... sorry it took so long to get back
#10
i didnt hear the song...but i listwened to sum others....not to bad. vocals are pretty good to. nice job. o and thanks for crit on my song Better days....lol but i changed it.....vocals are much better....wasnt my vocals i got a new singer...the last singer just kept that screachy crap sound and i hated it.