#1
Ok, this is a new song I have written. If you crit it, I will crit yours. Hope you guys like it.


That Girl

Verse

I don't really care what your name is,
I don't really care where you're from.
I don't really care what you think of me,
I don't really care if you're right or wrong.

I don't really care who you're friends with,
I don't really care how you speak.
But all I know is that I've got a feeling,
Deep inside of me.


Chorus:

You'll never hear me say it,
Unless I'm talking in my sleep.
That's if I ever get some,
Well I better count some sheep.

Although I'll never get the chance,
To give you some of my time.
The image of you will be stuck in,
My head for a lifetime.


Verse:

I don't really care what the time is,
I don't really care if it's right.
I don't really care what the place is,
I don't really care if it's day or night.

I don't really care if you see me,
With my eyes wide with awe.
You will be stuck in my head,
Forever, maybe more.


Chorus:

You'll never hear me say it,
Unless I'm talking in my sleep.
That's if I ever get some,
Well I better count some sheep.

Although I'll never get the chance,
To give you some of my time.
The image of you will be stuck in,
My head for a lifetime.


*Guitar solo, instrumental*


Chorus:

You'll never hear me say it,
Unless I'm talking in my sleep.
That's if I ever get some,
Well I better count some sheep.

Although I'll never get the chance,
To give you some of my time.
The image of you will be stuck in,
My head for a lifetime.


And you'll never hear me say it.
...
'Cause I'll never get to tell you.
....
'Cause I'll never get to hold you.
...
At all.

I'll never get to hold you at all.


Please crit, I will crit back.
Last edited by jhardcore at Jan 20, 2007,
#2
It's has good lyrice i just this they are repeated to many times ..still good 6/10 ..
What I got
Epiphone 57' Les Paul Jr. limited
Gibson les Paul jr. historal (bad spelling)
LTD Les Paul ESP Custom
Epiphone Les paul
Washburn lion 4 string bass
Some effects
And 2 amps (two 30 watts amps)
#3
Hmm it's very repetitive and it doesn't flow all that well tbh, but i think a syllable count will sort that out.
It deff. needs a tad more originality but it sounds like it could be a half decent pop song with some work.
#4
it sound like a catchy pop-pumk song wot tempo is the music going to be i seggest something close 2 feeling this by the ledgendary blink 182
#5
Quote by jhardcore
Ok, this is a new song I have written. If you crit it, I will crit yours. Hope you guys like it.


That Girl

Verse

I don't really care what your name is,
I don't really care where you're from.
I don't really care what you think of me,
I don't really care if you're right or wrong.

I don't really care who you're friends with,
I don't really care how speak.
But all I know is that I've got a feeling,
Deep inside of me.Maybe add something in after deep inside me IE. Deep inside me that i cant hide or something


Chorus:

You'll never hear me say it,
Unless I'm talking in my sleep.
That's if I ever get some,
Well I better count some sheep.really really forced the rhyme there

Although I'll never get the chance,
To give you some of my time.
The image of you will be stuck in,
My head for a lifetime.maybe change this line up so it actually rhymes with time in the line 2 above. I would try something like: Permenently in my mind (maybe)?


Verse:

I don't really care what the time is,
I don't really care if it's right.
I don't really care what the place is,
I don't really care if it's day or night.

I don't really care if you see me,
With my eyes wide with awe.
You will be stuck in my head,
Forever, maybe more.


Chorus:

You'll never hear me say it,
Unless I'm talking in my sleep.
That's if I ever get some,
Well I better count some sheep.

Although I'll never get the chance,
To give you some of my time.
The image of you will be stuck in,
My head for a lifetime.


*Guitar solo, instrumental*


Chorus:

You'll never hear me say it,
Unless I'm talking in my sleep.
That's if I ever get some,
Well I better count some sheep.

Although I'll never get the chance,
To give you some of my time.
The image of you will be stuck in,
My head for a lifetime.


And you'll never hear me say it.
...
'Cause I'll never get to tell you.
....
'Cause I'll never get to hold you.
...
At all.

I'll never get to hold you at all.


Please crit, I will crit back.


otherwise i like the song and the meaning
#6
I like the way you repeat "I don't really care" and I like the first half of the chorus. I think the second half could maybe be improved but overall, good job. Would make a great pop-punk song.

Crit mine?
#7
Quote by jhardcore

That Girl

Verse

I don't really care what your name is,
I don't really care where you're from.
I don't really care what you think of me,
I don't really care if you're right or wrong.

I don't really care who you're friends with,
I don't really care how you speak.
But all I know is that I've got a feeling,
Deep inside of me.

I like the repitition , starts it off well. gets me intrested what "that feeling" is talking about...good start

Chorus:

You'll never hear me say it,
Unless I'm talking in my sleep.
That's if I ever get some,
Well I better count some sheep.

Although I'll never get the chance,
To give you some of my time.
The image of you will be stuck in,
My head for a lifetime.

It's good, it flows well and works good with the rest of the song.

Verse:

I don't really care what the time is,
I don't really care if it's right.
I don't really care what the place is,
I don't really care if it's day or night.

I don't really care if you see me,
With my eyes wide with awe.
You will be stuck in my head,
Forever, maybe more.


Chorus:

You'll never hear me say it,
Unless I'm talking in my sleep.
That's if I ever get some,
Well I better count some sheep.

Although I'll never get the chance,
To give you some of my time.
The image of you will be stuck in,
My head for a lifetime.


*Guitar solo, instrumental*


Chorus:

You'll never hear me say it,
Unless I'm talking in my sleep.
That's if I ever get some,
Well I better count some sheep.

Although I'll never get the chance,
To give you some of my time.
The image of you will be stuck in,
My head for a lifetime.


And you'll never hear me say it.
...
'Cause I'll never get to tell you.
....
'Cause I'll never get to hold you.
...
At all.

I'll never get to hold you at all.




Over all it's good i'd give it a 8/10. I like the last part alot finishes it well

Thanks for the crit

(I really enjoy your writing btw)
#8
Quote by jhardcore
Ok, this is a new song I have written. If you crit it, I will crit yours. Hope you guys like it.


That Girl

Verse

I don't really care what your name is,
I don't really care where you're from.
I don't really care what you think of me,
I don't really care if you're right or wrong.

I don't really care who you're friends with,
I don't really care how speak.
But all I know is that I've got a feeling,
Deep inside of me.

Alright. Not my cup of tea at all so far. I'll explain why though. I understand you try to create something catchy with the repetition here and it might work, but as a piece of writing alone it's kind of weak. But it's a style, especially if you're aiming at commercial pop-punk.

In stanza two, line two, you're missing a word... "how speak" don't make sense. I'll also change the last lines, as it have been done way too many times.


Chorus:

You'll never hear me say it,
Unless I'm talking in my sleep.
That's if I ever get some,
Well I better count some sheep.

I think you have a good idea here, but you could develop it more. Saying "I'd better get counting sheep" would already be way better.

Although I'll never get the chance,
To give you some of my time.
The image of you will be stuck in,
My head for a lifetime.

Not too found on the time/time rhyme here. Too redundant, imo. Also, I'm not sure if that could work well as a chorus. Anyways.

Verse:

I don't really care what the time is,
I don't really care if it's right.
I don't really care what the place is,
I don't really care if it's day or night.

Seems to me like you're talking about sex... *shrugs*

I don't really care if you see me,
With my eyes wide with awe.
You will be stuck in my head,
Forever, maybe more.

Interesting attempt at alliteration here in L2. I'd like to see more of those in that piece. I don't like lines 3 and 4 though.

Chorus:

You'll never hear me say it,
Unless I'm talking in my sleep.
That's if I ever get some,
Well I better count some sheep.

Although I'll never get the chance,
To give you some of my time.
The image of you will be stuck in,
My head for a lifetime.


*Guitar solo, instrumental*


Chorus:

You'll never hear me say it,
Unless I'm talking in my sleep.
That's if I ever get some,
Well I better count some sheep.

Although I'll never get the chance,
To give you some of my time.
The image of you will be stuck in,
My head for a lifetime.


And you'll never hear me say it.
...
'Cause I'll never get to tell you.
....
'Cause I'll never get to hold you.
...
At all.

I'll never get to hold you at all.

It's an okay ending for the style you're going at.


Please crit, I will crit back.


Well, overall man, I think it's a fair attempt, but I'd try for some originality here. Even though you seem to be kind of shooting at something quite generic, lines like "I've got a feeling deep inside me" or "you will be stuck in my head forever" are overused and don't create any emotion anymore. Try saying things differently. Maybe just rephrasing can help.

I did not like it much, but part of this is because of the style you were going for. So I couldn't say if you did well or not.

keep writing,

Please check out the first one in my sig.

-Mathieu
#9
it reminds of the one backstreet boys song, "i don't care who you are, where your from, what u did, as long as u love me" blah blah blah blah blah.

thats not really a compliment btw, but the lyrics weren't bad
#10
^^Thanks for the crits, especially circular.parade.

That one really helped. In the 1st verse it is actually 'how you speak', not 'how speak'. Thanks for pointing that out, I will edit it now and crit yours a bit later.
#11
cool song i like it where you repeat 'i dont really care' and it sound like it could be a pretty good song if you recored it on something like kristal, acid, etc with instruments
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#12
its always hard just reading songs but i put it to a beat and it worked out pretty well theres always somethings you can do to imrpove but pretty good
#13
i think for a punk song it will do gr8 and i lied the repitition . everything isalready said .
thnx for the crit maybe to return . i will crit your next song
Hi
#15
I think the entire theme of the song is wastly overused, as is many of the phrases you use. The lyrics aren't necessary bad but they don't give me the chills and they don't filll my mind with feelings like something really well written whould do. It's quite simply not enough originality in this work to make it outstanding, or even great. I'd say try to write from personal experiences and use some time on just thinking. 5/10. Crit mine?
#16
I like it. The I don't really care kinda holds the whole song together in a way, so yeah, good job. If you want to, feel free to crit the second song in my sig.
#17
Pretty, good. Although you should know there allready is a song name that girl
#19
i think it was pretty good actully! =) I liked it a lot but you might say "i don't really care" too much :P what do you feel about that? :P and also! do you havde music to it? does it sound any good?
There are two types of music, good music and bad music.

Don't let anyone tell YOU what good music is. Make up your own mind
#20
Quote by unload
i think it was pretty good actully! =) I liked it a lot but you might say "i don't really care" too much :P what do you feel about that? :P and also! do you havde music to it? does it sound any good?


It probably is repeated a bit too much. There us not much else I can say to express what I am trying to accomplish with the song.

And I don't really have music for it, but I have the rhythm and everything.
#23
Congrats about just making me feel bad. Dude I love her





But anyway I liked it.
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#24
this reminds me of the backstreet boys song, 'as long as u love me'. quiet simmilar .especially the chorus.

bacstreetboys version ->
'i dont care who u are, where u're from, what u did, as long as u love me'

your version ->
I don't really care what the time is,
I don't really care if it's right.
I don't really care what the place is,
I don't really care if it's day or night.


see the simmilarity? lol..