#1
This is a song about a girl I went out with for a year. I was in a confused part of my life and I broke up with her for almost no reason. This is my first song I've written and I know I have a lot to learn so critique me as much as you can!


Heres the revised version...


I revised this and added a little bit to it

It seems the anticipation is building with every passing day,
I continue to feel that theres this debt that needs to be paid,
if you only realized the changes in my life
you'd know theres no reason for you not to take me back
and all these things running through my head
I feel this really needs to be said...

Don't you know...
There's more to this
Don't you know
This can't be dismissed
Don't you know
These things should be settled right now

I can't believe I broke things off
like I had no sympathy or remorse
Can't you see it was a bad time in my life
and a definitive imperfect source
Don't you know...
There's more to this
Don't you know
This can't be dismissed
Don't you know
These things should be settled right now

I keep thinking the next weekend theres a chance you might call
but I eventuallly evidence myself to my own reality withdrawal
If we keep this akwardness going that we know is not right
you'll feel the pain more and more as I'll feel this contrite
and all these things running through my head
I feel this really needs to be said

Let's get back
Let's get back
Let's get back to the days where we were here as one
It seems like you were my world
the only thing in the world
I just hoped we would never be done

Let's get back
Let's get back
Let's get back to those nights under the starry sky
where we were huddled close
grasping each other
as the frigid winter air blows

Outro
Here I am laid out for you
with nothing to hide
I've revealed all my thoughts
and stripped myself down
with nothing else to confide
conceive my remarks
with an open heart and open mind
you know this is an act of compensation
that will relieve all of this high anticipation
Last edited by BreedLoved at Jan 14, 2007,
#2
As much as this goes it's an ok start, but it seems a little too unfelt, reach deep inside yourself and drag out words that really express your feeling, in a way that can be heartfelt itself. The main problem with this is that you get the same thing all the way through: "take me back" and it gets kinda boring after the first verse, if you don't mind me saying.
#5
No that's cool man, now I see how stupid it looks past the first verse. It's pretty childish as if I was trying to sound like another song. I'm going to repost another soon.
#6
I think this would be a good acoustic song. I really like the "Let's get back" verses. In my opinion, with the right music behind it, it could turn out to be a good song


EDIT: Seeing the post above, I feel like a right tit now haha
#7
Quote by Gonk
I think this would be a good acoustic song. I really like the "Let's get back" verses. In my opinion, with the right music behind it, it could turn out to be a good song


EDIT: Seeing the post above, I feel like a right tit now haha



No man you shouldn't, I'm going to keep this and make a song out of it but the only reason I thought it was childish because it wasn't really what I was going for originally. But as I brainstorm on the music that could go behind, I really think it could turn out as a nice song. Thanks for the comments thought Gonk, hopefully I can get some music behind it and actually do it justice.