#1
not really sure about the title. might not be done yet cause to me it seems kind of too open in the ending. ya be kind of harsh with crittingthis i guess, and crit for crit. thanks!


play pretended friendships
cause i heard you were a person
of the kind thats come in season
and i need a new diversion

sinking perfectly is pointless
as the dam is going under
water damaging the title
of the never ending cover


as my casing would start to unseem
we'll resolder them polished and cleaned
and i'll try to believe
we could square them all right


seperated air
keeps my face from turning staler
while i'm waiting through the vaccum
with my plastic case to see through


as my casing would start to unseem
we'll resolder them polished and cleaned
and i'll try to believe
we could square them all right
Last edited by sjada at Jan 14, 2007,
#2
play pretended friendships
cause i heard you were a person
of the kind thats come in season
and i need a new diversion

play and pretend is redundant.
The "ons" seem quite forced.

sinking perfectly is pointless
as the dam is going under
water damaging the title
of the never ending cover

Tie your lines together better, you've got some decent ideas.


as my casing would start to unseem
we'll resolder them polished and cleaned
and i'll try to believe
we could square them all right

Resoldering something that became unseemed doesn't really make sense to me... but, mostly, I don't like the third and fourth lines. The third line is really squeezed in. And the fourth, seems very half-assed.

seperated air
keeps my face from turning staler
while i'm waiting through the vaccum
with my plastic case to see through

I like this, I'm not sure how I feel about the fourth line though.

Overall, this was alright, I think you need to reorganize your ideas a bit though, and better depict the idea you are trying to get across to the reader.

If you get a chance, I've got a piece up that you could critique.

All Regards

-Jacob
#3
Quote by clichealias


Overall, this was alright, I think you need to reorganize your ideas a bit though, and better depict the idea you are trying to get across to the reader.




I think I have to agree with Jacob. Maybe some kind of hook or climax to it would keep the reader interested also. With work could bebetter. Please crit mine, FRIEND
#4
thanks guys. your pretty much right, i really just had a bunch of ideas and just tried to peice them all together and apparently i didnt pull it off that well. about the chorus tho thats actually how it fits with the music i was planning on using this for, i know it looks kind of weird but if it didnt it wouldnt fit. uh ok then, ill get to the other one soon then. thanks.
#5
My PC just doesn't like replying with full crits

Main piint- your point and message is so, so , so vague and without any impact, I would suggest this:

You could expand on like every line in this, into one single piece, eg "sinking perfectly is pointless", I mean thats great, you could really get some good stuff from just that one line, you could write a few pieces on that.

go through and expand on some of these, this piece seems kinda jumbled and vague, very vague.

In my sig, if you could. Thanks
#7
Seperated = Separated
Vaccum = Vacuum

I agree with Jamie with the whole vagueness of the whole idea (I like my whole's. ) You do have a nice little rhythm but some lines would be better suited to a different set of lyrics. You have good ideas, but on the whole (fuck's sake) they don't really work together to produce something above average.
#8
ok cool. i think im gonna go with what jamie said and take this apart and try to narrow it down or something. thanks guys!