#1
Your shining face
Look at those eyes
They seem to sparkle with surprise
I am so glad I got to meet you

Your stunning smile
Your perfect laugh
I just could never let you pass
Without stopping to say hi to you

I could see us by the ocean
Sitting, staring at the sky
We could live there forever
Without fights and without lies
I could see us living anywhere
But one things surely true
I just can't see myself anywhere
Without you

As usual, C4C people, thanks for reading!
#3
Thanks, I'm still trying to find a melody for it though. Where abouts in Canada do you live??
#4
Your shining face
Look at those eyes
They seem to sparkle with surprise
I am so glad I got to meet you

Eh eh, sorry man, this is all pretty over-done. Not very personal.

Your stunning smile
Your perfect laugh
I just could never let you pass
Without stopping to say hi to you

Again... plus, stopping to say hi to someone isn't very romantic sounding. I'll give you that one on originality ;]

I could see us by the ocean
Sitting, staring at the sky
We could live there forever
Without fights and without lies
I could see us living anywhere
But one things surely true
I just can't see myself anywhere
Without you

Refer to the first stanza. Not very personal or bringing anything new to the table :/

I'm not fond of love literature that's so vague it can speak for a million hearts(many of which have already spoken for themselves) Don't give up, if I were you I would try to add a more personal touch to this though.

If you get the chance, I've got a piece called Nothing Relevant kicking around this first page.

-Jacob
Last edited by clichealias at Jan 14, 2007,
#5
Quote by Sanjezz
Thanks, I'm still trying to find a melody for it though. Where abouts in Canada do you live??

Oh, uh, about Saskatchewan. Well, Saskatoon.
#6
Nothing against you, but it sounds kind of juvenile, not all that lyrically mature to me. Maybe it's just not my style but whatev, as you get in more writing under your belt I'm sure it will improve, so just keep chugging along
#7
This just reminds me of a simple little love poem. It could probably be catchy with music but it could use a lot more originality. I don't like the "one things surely true" line. That part seems way too cheesy. I just think it would be better if it was a little more vague. Maybe instead of just saying your perfect laugh and shining face you could compare them to something less obvious. Some people buy into this kind of stuff though so I'm sure it could be a likable song. I actually like the last verse though I just don't like the word surely.

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=504148
#8
Thanks for the crits guys! And responding to deathgaze666's first few words, it sounds juvenile because I AM juvenile, I'm 13 years old. This was my first song so I posted if for feedback, and I'm pretty happy with the responce and am starting to work on 'patching it up' right now. Thanks again for the crits!!
#9
Quote by Sanjezz
Thanks for the crits guys! And responding to deathgaze666's first few words, it sounds juvenile because I AM juvenile, I'm 13 years old. This was my first song so I posted if for feedback, and I'm pretty happy with the responce and am starting to work on 'patching it up' right now. Thanks again for the crits!!

I'm only 14 >_>....look at mine if you want...it's on first page.
#10
Well it sounds like you like whoever it is youre singing about. Good display of emotion, I saw where it was going. Overall, good song. I'm kinda over love songs since there's so many. But this is pretty good and it stands out to me. Please crit mine, FRIEND