#1
Crit for crit! I can send the recording to you over e-mail if you'd like. just e-mail me about it at dumb_dori11@yahoo.com

"The One"

Chorus:

But you can't come back to me
(That's something I can't ignore)
You're not who I thought
(You don't need me anymore)
You just turn around and
Walk away from those bridges you burn
Don't even wave
To the girl who would fly into fire & flames
Just to be with the one
I guess you're not the one

Verse:

Aren't you recieving the signals I send?
You turn your back on what scares you the most
I hope you're not fearing that this is the end
Cause by now I've lost all of my hope

Pre Chorus:

You'r insecure, lost, and you don't trust your map
When you're walking along it is strapped to your back
You need me the way you need water and food
You need me today and it's temporary to you

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:

I've never been so sad just to look at a photo
So much has happened that they'll never know of
x2

Any comments are appreciated :]
I promise I will crit your song as well.
Last edited by rockergirl1122 at Jan 15, 2007,
#2
I like it even though im not a big fan of this genre but it has good rhyming and more complex words it works and i can picture a melody in my head. good job. two up.
Fender Strat '62 With Clapton signal processor and Fender Lace Sensors
Kustom DFX 100 (2x12)
Fender 150W all tube '64 vintage Amp (2x12)
Influences: Black Sabbath, Metallica, Megadeth

Say to Emo's.
#3
This has some really good lines like "you need me today and its temporary to you." I like that a lot. Maybe I'm just reading it all wrong but there seems to be some contradictions in your lyrics that confuse me. For example you say the person needs you like water and food...and then you go on to say that that the needing is temporary. and water and food are necessary if one intends on living. and then if the person doesn't trust their map then why is it always strapped to their back? Those parts just confused me. The end seems too repetitive when you say "just to be with the one" and then go on to say "I guess you're not the one." but maybe it works the way you sing it. you have a good voice judging by your myspace and you seem to be a pretty talented songwriter. Despite the negativity I like this.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=504148
#4
very good. i wish i could write songs like that. i want someone to know something but i jsut cant get the words. everytime i try i get something similiar to "Jessie's Girl" by Rick Springfield. yeah....
1993 Jackson Dinky Professional XL (shred)
Modified Squier Strat (blues and anything)
Vox Valvetronix AD30VT
Boss DS-1 Distortion
Dunlop Original Crybaby GCB-95
#5
Quote by anOnyMouSanIe
This has some really good lines like "you need me today and its temporary to you." I like that a lot. Maybe I'm just reading it all wrong but there seems to be some contradictions in your lyrics that confuse me. For example you say the person needs you like water and food...and then you go on to say that that the needing is temporary. and water and food are necessary if one intends on living. and then if the person doesn't trust their map then why is it always strapped to their back? Those parts just confused me. The end seems too repetitive when you say "just to be with the one" and then go on to say "I guess you're not the one." but maybe it works the way you sing it. you have a good voice judging by your and you seem to be a pretty talented songwriter. Despite the negativity I like this.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=504148


You think this song has contradictions then you oughta read mine but mine a intentional.
Fender Strat '62 With Clapton signal processor and Fender Lace Sensors
Kustom DFX 100 (2x12)
Fender 150W all tube '64 vintage Amp (2x12)
Influences: Black Sabbath, Metallica, Megadeth

Say to Emo's.
#7
Really good song, you got some very nice lines in there. i especially love the chorus. although, "firy flames" is a bit redundant, no?