#1
This reminds me of an Audioslave song in the way I sing it, like the whole vibe in general. It's played to an acoustic and I haven't found the right chord progression yet, so I won't put up music until I do. Any comments for imrpovements or chord progressions would be rad. Crit 4 Crit

She was so independent
But she wasn't ready yet
Her soul was taken away
Her body lay ravaged upon the street

Her mind was gone
A perpetual walk alone
The family was dead
Her friends had moved along

Girl you shouldn't have gone
You shouldn't have been alone
Now that I miss you so
All I have is your song

The past I couldn't regret
But there isn't time to spend
It's not just happenstance
It's the loss of a friend...
#2
She was so independent
But she wasn't ready yet
Her soul was taken away
Her body lay ravaged upon the street

Okay, I kind of have that feeling like I just woke up and have no idea where I am. ;]
Not sure yet what to think, seems a little blunt as of yet.


Her mind was gone
A perpetual walk alone
The family was dead
Her friends had moved along

Ehh, these lyrics aren't sounding very solid to me so far. We really have no background whatsoever as to what happened to this girl to make all of these unfortunate events occur.

Girl you shouldn't have gone
You shouldn't have been alone
Now that I miss you so
All I have is your song

Ehh, same as above+the last line is REALLLY typical.


The past I couldn't regret
But there isn't time to spend
It's not just happenstance
It's the loss of a friend

Ehh, nah man, I'm not really feeling it.

If this is actually something about the death of a friend you knew or something, I'm really sorry for being so hard. But it's not wise to post things like that to be critiqued on here. This song might sound alright to music, but so does "garbage dump oh garbage dump why are you called a garbage dump?" If you want to write better lyrics that you want to be about a touching subject, and have other people feel it too, you've got to balance out a high level of creativity, and heart.

Keep on writing man.

My latest piece is "Nothing Relevant", I'd appreciate some feedback if you could.

-Jacob
#3
First thing I noticed, in lyrics I find it easier to fit more things in if I don't use linking verbs like was, is, are, etc. I would suggest you use replace some of your linking verbs with action verbs and make it transitive passive. That way you can squeeze more details in, create more imagery, specify the situation, and make it sound better. If you don't get what I'm saying, please let me know and I'll explain this better. I tend to ramble sometimes and spit out incoherent things.

Here's some of the ones you could replace:

She was so independent
But she wasn't ready yet
Her soul was taken away
Her body lay ravaged upon the street

Her mind was gone
A perpetual walk alone
The family was dead
Her friends had moved along

The second thing I noticed was the imagery. There's one line, at the end of the first verse, that seriously sticks out because it is the only real imagery given. I would suggest adding more, or revising that line. It may just be me, though.

The only other thing I can see would what the other guy pointed out. I would suggest specifying the situation a bit, it's kinda vague.

Overall, this is a great song, man. Awesome job.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#4
Hi thanks for critting mine.

erm, not my kind of thing and I have to echo the comments above, it is difficult to follow what is actually happening or happened.

"She was so independent
But she wasn't ready yet
Her soul was taken away
Her body lay ravaged upon the street

Her mind was gone
A perpetual walk alone
The family was dead
Her friends had moved along"

for me there is too many "she's" and "her's" try describing the thing in a different way or simply lose the she as bythe second verse we know to whom you are reffering.

Try "Mind's gone, a perpetual walk alone, family dead, friends moved on" something like that? (write it like your watching it happen in slow motion, as opposed to how it happened)

has potential and I am sure with music it sounds great, I think it just needs some subtle tweeks like mentioned above to be a good song.

Qoasis
Last edited by Qoasis at Jan 15, 2007,
#5
Despite its simplicity I think its pretty good and would make for a good song. I really don't like the "ravaged upon the street" line though. Thats a pretty gruesome visual which seems to take away from the vibe of the rest of the song. It flows well though and sure some lines are typical but they work. Good job I like the feel of the song.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=504148
#6
ya my one big problem was that there was a ton of repetition.
for example, you use the words "she", "her" and "was/wasn't" like 20 times and this is a fairly short song.
i noticed in the second and third verses the rhymes were the same, almost word for word, that bugged me but maybe your going for something with the music, i wouldnt know.
ya its not bad writing or anything, its just a bit repetative and for me at least, that can get annoying.
#7
yeah there was a lot of repition. But i think you got a good thing on your hands. Try putting a little details in there. like memories or something. nothing big.
#8
thanks for the comments, I'll work on it. And thanks to nerk13. It does make it easier to use action verbs because of the reasons you desrcibed. I get what you're saying. Anyway, thanks again.
#9
very great idea but you should try telling how your friend died
imaginary or real
use beginnings middles and endings

it has good rhymes and i like it

Peace In
#10
thanks man. Love the 'peace in', haha. Thanks again. I'll work on the beginnnings, middles, and ends and I'll try to spice it up with hopefully a mix of realism and imagery
#11
It seems a little dull to me.. I can't quite follow what is going on. What is actually happening here ? Is she dead and people have forgotten ? I think you have to make it more personal and maybe use more vocab. If you had the beat it could seem a little different but I'm unsure of how.

She was so independent
But she wasn't ready yet
Her soul was taken away
Her body lay ravaged upon the street

Her mind was gone
A perpetual walk alone
The family was dead
Her friends had moved along
#12
I'm revising it, and I'll post the new version today or tomorrow, But anythign else to IMPROVE it would be awesome. thanks!
#13
Quote by MilichichiBass
thanks for the comments, I'll work on it. And thanks to nerk13. It does make it easier to use action verbs because of the reasons you desrcibed. I get what you're saying. Anyway, thanks again.


Glad to have helped. I'll be keep a look out for the revision.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#14
Hey thanks for the crit!!

I think that you used the words her, she, was and wasn't a bit too much in this song. You should try and start the song with a bit of ground, so that when you read it, somethings going on, not just 4 or 5 paragraphs about the same thing.

All in all, a decent peice 7/10