#1
"Since When"

We got older and we fit into our shoes as we grew.

I found the fun of feeling the housefire
In my inside. I began feeding it with love and alcohol, until
My body glew as if encasing a warm-lit lamp.

So now I sit on leather sofas stoking real fires,
While some pretty young woman I used to know
Plays Träumerei on piano.
I stare at the bottle in my hand smiling,
And thinking how it once created a peasant class--
Until her notes bleed together and she falls forward onto the keys
With a self-conscious laugh, like a bird call,
And I hiccup a laugh in response.

And I claim I'd go to War
if they asked me to.
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Jan 16, 2007,
#2
I really like the ending, it is all so serene with strong images present. my only suggestion for content outside of punctuation is:

until her notes bleed together and she falls forward onto the keys
with a laugh,


instead:
until her notes bleed together and she falls forward
onto the keys
with a laugh,


or "onto the keys with a laugh"

that falling forward image is just too beautiful to spoil there without giving it full justice, imo.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Jan 15, 2007,
#3
oooh it changed font....

Yeah I liked this. Liked not loved though.

Liked because it was great writing and, yknow, you just have that natural talent of writing well.

Didn't quite love it though, possibly because I couldn't really relate to it, possibly because I'm not familiar with some images.

So yeah. You'll find people that do love it though, I expect. Nice stuff.

If you could drop a short comment on the one in my sig, 'twould be appreciated. Many thanks.
#5
I think you did a great job and its defiantly well written

We got older and we grew into our shoes.

This first line especially
#6
the only thing i didn't like was
"as if encasing a lit lamp".
i think you could think of
a much better comparison.
the one you have just seems
a bit too bland and uncreative.
i know you could think of something
a lot better to put there instead.

but other than that, i liked it.

if you could, could you check mine out?
but if you can't, don't worry.

I just want to sleep forever.


#9
I still don't like "in my inside". Other than that, I don't like the change here;
With a self-conscious laugh, like a bird call,
because in comparison and retrospect, I like the simplicity and shortness of "with a laugh".
#10
"We got older and we fit into our shoes as we grew."

------ace first line

So now I sit on leather sofas stoking real fires,
While some pretty young woman I used to know
Plays Träumerei on piano.
I stare at the bottle in my hand smiling,
And thinking how it once created a peasant class--
Until her notes bleed together and she falls forward onto the keys
With a self-conscious laugh, like a bird call,
And I hiccup a laugh in response.

And I claim I'd go to War
if they asked me to.

-----the last 10 lines were perfectly written. Very nice job evan.