#1
Some background, if you want, and which I never usually do:

Inspired by a poem we read in school today, can't quite remember what it was- something like: Presents from my Aunts in Pakistan. Anyways I raised the point of how colourful the dress was in another cultural compared to the relatively drab clothing of us English We mimic the whole grey Monday morning in our dress sense, so I wrote about it. Hell, you could also take this politically and go from a multi-race angle, or use it as a metaphor however you like.

Critique for critique. Tell me if I still owe you one

Enjoy


Colour me in,
Let me escape the grays
I don't want to live my life in beige,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.
Colour me in,
Let me reflect the light
I can't live on black and white,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.

Colour me in, and let me take you away
To a place under the sun.
Welcome me in, and let me take you home
And we'll live in multichrome world.

Colour me in.
Let us all live in difference
I don't want to live in a single race,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.
Colour us in
We can put on a smile
I don't want to keep on mourning,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.

Colour me in, and let me take you away
To a place under the sun.
Welcome me in, and let me take you home
And we'll live in multichrome world.

Why do we dress in greys?
Why do we dress in greys?
Wouldn't it be brighter if we dressed a little lighter?
Why do we dress in greys?
#2
no offense. but this is something hilary duff should be singing, not someone on ultimate-guitar. you should send that to disney.
Control Yourself
#3
What genre is this? It is very descriptive. No contradictions. Complex Rhyme Scheme. Bad: Uses "Me" alot, is all you can think about is yourself. Jk. Check mine if you don't mind.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=504851
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Say to Emo's.
#4
Colour me in,
Let me escape the grays
I don't want to live my life in beige,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.
Colour me in,
Let me reflect the light
I can't live on black and white,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.

Very nice.

Colour me in, and let me take you away
To a place under the sun.
Welcome me in, and let me take you home
And we'll live in multichrome world.

I don't like the pieces "Let me take you away" and "let me take you home"... Also, the last line doesn't fit.

Colour me in.
Let us all live in difference
I don't want to live in a single race,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.
Colour us in
We can put on a smile
I don't want to keep on mourning,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.

You know, I really love the repetition of the "Colour me in" thing, but for some reason I don't like it when "Under the sun" repeats... I've read it again and I still don't like it.

Colour me in, and let me take you away
To a place under the sun.
Welcome me in, and let me take you home
And we'll live in multichrome world.

Why do we dress in greys?
Why do we dress in greys?
Wouldn't it be brighter if we dressed a little lighter?
Why do we dress in greys?

Looks like something's gone here... It's a little empty or something. I don't think it's because of the repetitions. Maybe you could add a verse before the last line. Can't think of anything right now...
Edit: Maybe something like "Lets leave our little English world for a while" or "The English way is no longer ours".

Anyways, I really like it. It's a little about being in love and being loved back. That's how I feel. It's sincere too.

Dudde
Last edited by dudde at Jan 15, 2007,
#5
Quote by dudde
Anyways, I really like it. It's a little about being in love and being loved back.


Wow, for once I wasn't writing about love. Nice you got that out of it, yeah spose it does deal with it a bit, looking into it more. You got anyting you want me to take a look at?

Thanks all. And HillsideMetal- that critique doesnt qualify one back, go read the advice on critiques. Also, youve broken 2 rules of the faq on your pieces so I reported you

Read the FAQs pleae

Cheers all.
#6
Quote by Jammydude44
Wow, for once I wasn't writing about love. Nice you got that out of it, yeah spose it does deal with it a bit, looking into it more. You got anyting you want me to take a look at?


Not yet... I'm not good at writing in English. I tought it was about love because of some lines, such as "let me take you away" and "And we'll live in multichrome world". There's nothing more romantic than saying you'd go away with someone, "Escape from the greys".

Dudde
#7
it was pretty good but ive really liked some of your past stuff and this seemed pretty mediocre in comparison to me. really the whole color thing just didnt agree with me i guess. you did use it a bit differantly but the whole ideas been used before, idk, maybe just me. i guess i just had high expectations coming into it. the writing was all pretty good and everything, it just didnt seem especially interesting to me, sorry. thanks for the crit tho, i think i might just take it all my ideas apart and restart it.
#8
I like it, not my favorite from you, but that's mostly cause of the subject. I don't really relate to the dress in gray's thing, people around me wear brightly colored stuff. Sorry but I can't say a whole lot, I don't have any problems with it. If I can think of anything else I'll edit it in.
#9
It's cute, it'd make a cute little song. As a poem, it doesn't really hold up that well, but it's got a real sixties-kinda vibe to it as lyrics I suppose.
#10
Your rhyme scheme was complex... and I liked the flow, but I must agree that this is not your best content ever.... the use of the word multichrome.... not exactly sure what that means? I mean, chrome is chrome is chrome right? or is there a different meaning behind it? I dunno, maybe there is more than just whats in the words (like something to read into) however, It really didn't captivate me enough to find the deeper meaning... sorry bro, great format though, no complaints about that... ; ) (I know this isn't the best of all crits so I won't ask you for a crit back)... I will look for your next one though... keep on keepin on
#11
I love the title and I love the rhyme scheme. The flow is amazing I'm a sucker for imagery too so i like this piece a lot. It's a great piece and to think you were inspired by the color of the dresses. The only part I don't like is the last stanze where you say "Wouldn't it be brighter if we dressed a little lighter" it just seems like it doesn't fit in this poem. Overall great job. Crit my new one in my sig.
#12
Quote by Jammydude44

Colour me in,
Let me escape the grays
I don't want to live my life in beige,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.
Colour me in,
Let me reflect the light
I can't live on black and white,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.

Colour me in, and let me take you away
To a place under the sun.
Welcome me in, and let me take you home
And we'll live in multichrome world.

Colour me in.
Let us all live in difference
I don't want to live in a single race,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.
Colour us in
We can put on a smile
I don't want to keep on mourning,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.

Colour me in, and let me take you away
To a place under the sun.
Welcome me in, and let me take you home
And we'll live in multichrome world.

Why do we dress in greys?
Why do we dress in greys?
Wouldn't it be brighter if we dressed a little lighter?
Why do we dress in greys?


i love the arrangement of it. the piece looks really cool with the way its laid out. i think the repetition of colour me in, and under the sun are effecrive as they convey the need the character feels. i don't think "multichrome world" is good. i don't know why but i'm just not feeling it. i also can't help but sing the last verse to the tune of "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands."
a good piece, and one which can be made even better. keep it up
if you could, please crit mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=505498
"What about the neighbours?? What they gonna say?? Stop little sister getting carried away" - SRV. The greatest guitarist of all time.
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I liked it.
Is it about fucking?
#13
Quote by Jammydude44
Colour me in,
Let me escape the grays
I don't want to live my life in beige,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.
Colour me in,
Let me reflect the light
I can't live on black and white,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.

I like the content here, it doesnt flow perfectly for me but anything can be put to music. I like the first 4 lines here a lot

Colour me in, and let me take you away
To a place under the sun.
Welcome me in, and let me take you home
And we'll live in multichrome world.

I like this, its a good chorus and the last line makes me think of one of those 'one race, one world' type ads...

Colour me in.
Let us all live in difference
I don't want to live in a single race,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.
Colour us in
We can put on a smile
I don't want to keep on mourning,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me

I like the structure you've got for the verse, although its flow is not perfectly, but I'm just not so hot on this verse... I couldn't what I find wrong with it but I just don't like it, its not so much that theres something WRONG with content, but I just don't find a lot RIGHT about it... sorry.

Colour me in, and let me take you away
To a place under the sun.
Welcome me in, and let me take you home
And we'll live in multichrome world.

Why do we dress in greys?
Why do we dress in greys?
Wouldn't it be brighter if we dressed a little lighter?
Why do we dress in greys?

I like this finish, I can hear a melody for it my head and I like. A good way to finish


I like the first verse, the chorus's and the finish, but not the second verse. A pretty good piece overall though.
Winners are those who refuse to be beaten

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#14
Colour me in,
Let me escape the grays
I don't want to live my life in beige,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.
Colour me in,
Let me reflect the light
I can't live on black and white,

this i liked the best

Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.

Colour me in, and let me take you away
To a place under the sun.
Welcome me in, and let me take you home
And we'll live in multichrome world.

multichrome is a good world but i dont think its meant for that line


Colour me in.
Let us all live in difference
I don't want to live in a single race,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.
Colour us in
We can put on a smile
I don't want to keep on mourning,
Under the sun,
There's a brighter place for me.

Colour me in, and let me take you away
To a place under the sun.
Welcome me in, and let me take you home
And we'll live in multichrome world.

Why do we dress in greys?
Why do we dress in greys?
Wouldn't it be brighter if we dressed a little lighter?
Why do we dress in greys?

well other then that its good but the other one that i critsometime back was much better infact that was excellent . As far as the guys who were talking about Hillary duff come on get a life lets not judge ourself for whom the song is writtern to be and who will sing it . one who has wrote it know who will sing it and how wiill he sing it.

i am not a fan of hillary duff . i dont like popstars . they are just puppets for record companies
Hi
#15
Oooh, crits. thought I'd lost this one

Strat- thanks

Truly Ninja- Much appreciated.

Casper- Mulitchrome- multicoloured. Take it how you wish And thanks.

Private- thanks. I agree with that line.

Sam (yes?)- thanks muchly, and finally someone who realises anything can be put to music You got anything I can take a look at?

abhishek- Cheers, I'll get back to you

Thanks all I like this one myself
#17
thanks

thats a problem I face alot, I always feel I have the potential to write something good then the execution not what I expected- but I guess that comes with more writing expereicne right? Right ?

the repetition of colour me in I was just trying to show how boring the greys were.. guess thats more for poetry than songwriting though.

cheers
#19
I did that poem last year for GCSE!!! We even went on a trip to see her doing it "live".
As for the song, I think its pretty good but I prefer your other stuff. I like the repetition of "Colour me in", and "multichrome world" is a pretty cool phrase.

I live just outside Sherborne by the way
#20
Interesting series of thoughts. As been said before, it has a upbeat good feeling to it. Probably cause it involves the sun and colors. The one thing that made me do a double take was the last verse.

Why do we dress in greys?
Why do we dress in greys?
Wouldn't it be brighter if we dressed a little lighter?
Why do we dress in greys?

It's overused here I got the point from the rest of the song.
So thats the second time I got crabs.
#21
Quote by steal this tab
no offense. but this is something hilary duff should be singing, not someone on ultimate-guitar. you should send that to disney.

I somewhat agree with this, although i don't like the comparison with Hillary Duff. However, i think this bloke is right about it sounding sort of Disney-ish.

By the way, i literally just got back from Disneyland Paris, so of all people, i'd know what sounds like Disney.
#22
Wouldn't it be brighter if we dressed a little lighter?

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie...

Come on. Please read that line again.

Can you honestly tell me you love it? If you do, leave it. Who am I to judge? But if you don't, please change it. The rest is excellent, spare for the repitition of "Let me take you to blah blah", but that line ends the piece on such a sour note, and the rest of the stanza is one line repeated, that it drags the piece down a lot.

Look at that line, then this piece will be excellent.

Nice work, buddy.
#23
Quote by caz_guitar_dude

By the way, i literally just got back from Disneyland Paris, so of all people, i'd know what sounds like Disney.


I listen to Disney soundtracks every day and watch 3 disney movies a night.

(Ok, I don't have time to watch even one movie... )

[I only own one Disney soundtrack: Newsies. It's excellent, actually.)
#24
Mmm, i'm in love with the Lion King. You can never grow out of Disney films and music - NEVER.
#25
Quote by Retribution
Wouldn't it be brighter if we dressed a little lighter?

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie...

Come on. Please read that line again.

Can you honestly tell me you love it? If you do, leave it. Who am I to judge? But if you don't, please change it. The rest is excellent, spare for the repitition of "Let me take you to blah blah", but that line ends the piece on such a sour note, and the rest of the stanza is one line repeated, that it drags the piece down a lot.

Look at that line, then this piece will be excellent.

Nice work, buddy.


Yeah. I hate that outro. Just kinda wrote it, posted it. I probably will just leave it out, end on a musical outro.

Cheers Ret