#1
This is my first attempt at writing a true folk song. It is a true folk song in the way it's set up, the way it's portrayed and its somber emotion. This is not necessarily a true folk song because of the subject matter, most folk songs set or tell stories, my twisted little folk song is an introspective look at myself, where I'm talking to, understanding, consoling and condemning myself through the songs lyrics. Either way I present it to you, crit for crit like always...

A Sad Little Boy (Between Here And There)

The sun forgets to shine upon lonely lives
Cold like the stare from jealous green eyes
Kills any fabricated idea of serenity
And makes you resist the power of divinity
Resort back to your toxin induced self
Put Mr. clean and sober back on the shelf
I’m sorry that it’s not pretty like glitter
Who’s gonna turn first when you’re this bitter
Let half a pack of cigarettes burn in the ashtray
When you sit to review another shitty day
That fire in your belly has been reduced to ash
Along with the flame your essence is cashed
Smells like poison smoke from a burning flag
Or the beating heart you’ve got in the bag
Painfully oblivious to dirty Satan's ploy
If you're the devil you're a sad little boy

Between here and there
I choke on the air
I'll die without a care
You can find me where
The judge is fair
Between here and there

Pre-disposed to the fantasy that you create
Over-exposed to this twisted sense of fate
Feel so safe and secure in state of loneliness
You're so empty with pain, please may god bless
Before you crack up and get sent away
And they burn you down like the voices say
I'll scatter your ashes only a couple of inches
You've spread yourself thin for to many winches
Used up all of you to be thrown in the trash
I'd buy you back out if I only had the cash
Clean you up some and make you like new
Wipe off all the shit you've been through
Back out front you go for a pricey sale
Turned your cheap trick and the pay failed
You're just something to play with, a nice pretty toy
I hate to say daddy thinks that you're a sad little boy

Between here and there
I choke on the air
I'll die without a care
You can find me where
The judge is fair
Between here and there
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#2
this is a really great idea
i like it a lot

but there is always room for improvement in any song

try going through it in the same mood you were in when you wrote it
and just improve it in your eyes

hell it's what i do

heh check my song out "Into" it's my early stuff i have about 40 songs
but yeah i posted it

Peace In
#3
The verses are outstanding, don't touch them at all mate, really good - only thing I'd say is the chorus could do with fleshing out a little, I don't mean in terms of make it longer (in fact I really like the way you have a drawn out, verbose verse, and then a short snappy chorus) but in terms of the rhyming - since the verses are all in couplets (AA, BB, CC etc) to then have just one rhyming syllable in the chorus just doesn't seem to work as well as it could.

I'd still keep most of the chorus tbh, just maybe change the syllable on the 3rd and 6th line, I never like to suggest what to change stuff to cos it's not my place to put words into your song, but to have an AAB AAB rhyme scheme would definitely freshen it up a lot.

But my god those are good verses, nicely done man
#4
I appreciate the crit man, and you might be right, the chorus was kinda a last minute addition, I though about not having one at all, I'll give that rhyme scheme a look a see what i think...
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#5
I tried the AAB AAB rhyme scheme and I liked it a little better so here's the revision....

A Sad Little Boy (Between Here And There)

The sun forgets to shine upon lonely lives
Cold like the stare from jealous green eyes
Kills any fabricated idea of serenity
And makes you resist the power of divinity
Resort back to your toxin induced self
Put Mr. clean and sober back on the shelf
I’m sorry that it’s not pretty like glitter
Who’s gonna turn first when you’re this bitter
Let half a pack of cigarettes burn in the ashtray
When you sit to review another shitty day
That fire in your belly has been reduced to ash
Along with the flame your essence is cashed
Smells like poison smoke from a burning flag
Or the beating heart you’ve got in the bag
Painfully oblivious to dirty Satan's ploy
If you're the devil you're a sad little boy

Between here and there
I choke on the air
I will die for my sins
You can find me where
The judge is fair
Goodbye all my friends

Pre-disposed to the fantasy that you create
Over-exposed to this twisted sense of fate
Feel so safe and secure in state of loneliness
You're so empty with pain, please may god bless
Before you crack up and get sent away
And they burn you down like the voices say
I'll scatter your ashes only a couple of inches
You've spread yourself thin for to many winches
Used up all of you to be thrown in the trash
I'd buy you back out if I only had the cash
Clean you up some and make you like new
Wipe off all the shit you've been through
Back out front you go for a pricey sale
Turned your cheap trick and the pay failed
You're just something to play with, a nice pretty toy
I hate to say daddy thinks that you're a sad little boy

Between here and there
I choke on the air
I will die for my sins
You can find me where
The judge is fair
Goodbye all my friends
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#6
The redo of the chorus is outstanding. I would really like to hear this set to music.

I personally think that the versus are too long with out a break inbetween them. Maybe a slight musical break down in the middle of one or both of the verses? I do like the words, I just think in a song form that the verses are a little to long without a break.
#7
The verses were perfect dude! But the chorus, I think that you should try to find more than 1 rhyming ending. It sounds a bit forced