#1
there once was a girl who ate flashbulbs because
she liked the taste of the light they inspired.
i found obsession in her peacock feathers,
charred by young machine gun fire.
she was a ceiling fan turned up to eighteen,
spraying deafening white noise through ebony teeth.
i followed hollywood down her throat, where
tangible sounds could no longer be reached.

pollock could have painted a more realistic picture,
but she was beautiful, coloured with whiskey and wine,
with her lips sutured shut and her eyes locked on mine.
it was just me and her, her and me and my hand,
my hand in the blades of that drunk ceiling fan.
but the red carpet had the sharpest of teeth,
and my skin started falling apart at the seams.
but she wouldn't turn off! she was always turned on.
and i could no longer feel your body's heat.

so i did what i had to to get my skin back:
stretched it into a canvas and painted it black.
and i put it back on, wore it like tattered rags,
and i covered her mouth with my darkened hands
'til she'd suffocated on the taste of acrylic.

and the coma ships got there a little too late.
i had torn her apart, piece by piece, blade by blade.
i'd made love to you there, where the evidence laid
as a twisted reward, as a sick accolade.
but that's where they found the strangled remains
of the ceiling fan i'd torn apart blade by blade.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Jan 15, 2007,
#2
Kylie, first of all, I want to encourage you to take the time to properly punctuate and capitalize your writing. Subconsciously, it shows the reader that you take your writing seriously, and makes a better impression. In my opinion.

there once was a girl who ate flashbulbs because
she liked the taste of the light they inspired.
i found obsession in her peacock feathers,
charred by young machine gun fire.

"Young machine gun fire" is an amazing phrase. I really dig the rhyme. It's rare to see someone use rhyme so well on UG without being showy, which this isn't.

she was a ceiling fan turned up to eighteen,
spraying deafening white noise through ebony teeth.

I love the first of these two lines, but you need to fix the meter in the second.

i followed hollywood down her throat, where
tangible sounds could no longer be reached.

pollock could have painted a more realistic picture,
but she was beautiful, coloured with whiskey and wine,
with her lips sutured shut and her eyes locked on mine.
it was just me and her, her and me and my hand,

This made me think of masturbation. Just thought you might want to know that.

my hand in the blades of that drunk ceiling fan.
but the red carpet had the sharpest of teeth,

Um, FFX? You serious?

and my skin started falling apart at the seams.
but she wouldn't turn off! she was always turned on.
and i could no longer feel your body's heat.

Very nice, very relateable. I don't know when the last time I read you was, but you've improved so much.

so i did what i had to to get my skin back:
stretched it into a canvas and painted it black.
and i put it back on, wore it like tattered rags,
and i covered her mouth with my darkened hands
'til she'd suffocated on the taste of acrylic.

and the coma ships got there a little too late.
i had torn her apart, piece by piece, blade by blade.
i'd made love to you there, where the evidence laid
as a twisted reward, as a sick accolade.
but that's where they found the strangled remains
of the ceiling fan i'd torn apart blade by blade.

Nothing else to say. This is magnificent. Best work I've read on UG in weeks.
#3
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
This made me think of masturbation. Just thought you might want to know that.
that's what it's about hahaha.

Quote by *Truly Ninja*
my hand in the blades of that drunk ceiling fan.
but the red carpet had the sharpest of teeth,

Um, FFX? You serious?
THAT'S WHERE I HEARD IT BEFORE.
ahhh and i liked that line so much!
but i knew i'd heard it somewhere.
ugh. i guess that's what playing FFX
through the whole christmas break does.

but. yeah. haha the thing IS about masturbation.
it's about a CSI: miami episode called "innocent".
if you watch the episode the whole thing will
probably make a LOT more sense than it does now.

I just want to sleep forever.


#4
i agree this is the best thing you've written in a long time. maybe ever. it's not flawless so i'll give more insight when i'm not feeling lazy, but yeah. good work bro.

holla
#7
well not about. but. inspired by.
like. it's really about obsession
and the things that it will lead to.
but it's inspired by an episode.

EDIT: CSI: miami isn't my favourite CSI.
the las vegas one is by far the best.
but. i just really liked this one episode.

I just want to sleep forever.


#8
This is actually far superior to anything I've read from you. Iunno if that's saying much. But I think I'll remember this when I see you're name.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
wow dude, this is the best piece ive seen on ug in a while.

its very gripping, but i would advise using more punctuation, etc.

deff. a 9/10


crit some of mine?
#10
This is great! Really dark and poetic. The first line is very cool, really hooks you in. You've got some great phrases like "charred by young machine gun fire" and "suffocated on the taste of acrylic." I love CSI as well!! Whats FFX? Is it a band?

Crit mine?
#12
this is one of the most beautiful things I've read on here in a long while.

you have the ability to paint a pretty picture in my mind, and have a song that rhymes without seeming forced, which is more than I can say about the majority of UG.
Wade in the water, child.
#13
where is that line at in FFX? i don't remember anything like that at all. but it has been a while since i played it
#14
lol i just played my first final fantasy ever over christmas break. i got "pwned"
but yeah, i like CSI too...i think Miami is the best

Also, on topic, I liked this a lot...my only complaint is you present it poorly because its piss annoying to read (what with it being so small and all)

But that's it. I nominated you for WOTM, so you know I think this is grrreat.
#15
Quote by bbsbass
where is that line at in FFX? i don't remember anything like that at all. but it has been a while since i played it

auron says it when they're going to bevelle.
he's talking about that big snake thing.

i sound like SUCH a nerd right now. ahah.

but thanks everyone :]

I just want to sleep forever.


#18
and the coma ships got there a little too late.
i had torn her apart, piece by piece, blade by blade.
i'd made love to you there, where the evidence laid
as a twisted reward, as a sick accolade.
but that's where they found the strangled remains
of the ceiling fan i'd torn apart blade by blade.

love the use of "blade by blade". repetition used well the rhyming throughout the piece fits magnificently. its a stunning piece, and you should be proud.
Care to crit mine?? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=505498
"What about the neighbours?? What they gonna say?? Stop little sister getting carried away" - SRV. The greatest guitarist of all time.
Quote by R_H_C_P

Evvo_gc_fan is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.


Quote by ScarredFaith

I liked it.
Is it about fucking?
#22
lets be honest - its grovermans. he doesn't do bad stuff.
"What about the neighbours?? What they gonna say?? Stop little sister getting carried away" - SRV. The greatest guitarist of all time.
Quote by R_H_C_P

Evvo_gc_fan is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.


Quote by ScarredFaith

I liked it.
Is it about fucking?
#24
i really liked the beginning, the end got a lil too dark for me. but all in all really good work i was very compelled to finish reading it. I don't think there is anything that i would change... so good job! could you possibly crit mine its called "active mind" if you feel inclined... thnx in advance
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix