#1
hey all.
this is a piece I've been working on for a while now. any comments would be much appreciated. Leave a link to any pieces of your own, and I'll be sure to return the favour. Thanks!

Paper Planes

Paper Planes, they don't fly everytime,
And their creators, they ask themselves why.
Are we so, hopelessly bound to the things we can't control,
Seeming easier but the cracks - they still show

Our time - will still go.

Paper Planes, they can burn before your eyes,
Eyes on a target, target I despise.
And it goes, round and round to where it all began.
There's times we got nothing, nothing for our plans

Chorus:
I know who I am, don't forget to remember,
Time goes one way and I don't wanna fail forever.
Pay the price if you don't pull yourself together,
Time goes one way, and I don't wanna live forever.

Paper Planes, they need repair after a while.
Been here before and still I put myself on trial.
And I hear "There's nothing wrong with going wrong, sometimes"
Drifting to a thankless sleep as the bells chime.

Chorus

If i knew where i was going, I'd be there by now
If i knew where i'd been, I'd get back there somehow
If i knew where i was going, I'd be there by now
If i knew where i'm going, I'd be long gone by now.

Chorus

Paper Planes, they can fly everytime you try,
All your greatest critics, they're forced into a smile
And if we, still cling on to all we need to dream
One way, you'll get everything you need.

Thanks for reading.
"What about the neighbours?? What they gonna say?? Stop little sister getting carried away" - SRV. The greatest guitarist of all time.
Quote by R_H_C_P

Evvo_gc_fan is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.


Quote by ScarredFaith

I liked it.
Is it about fucking?
#2
Wow, this is such an awesome song. You couldn't have picked a more original Metaphor!

Not to mention, everyone has tried a paper plane. Its... very, very good.
#3
hey all.
this is a piece I've been working on for a while now. any comments would be much appreciated. Leave a link to any pieces of your own, and I'll be sure to return the favour. Thanks!

Paper Planes

Paper Planes, they don't fly everytime,
And their creators, they ask themselves why.
Are we so, hopelessly bound to the things we can't control,
Seeming easier but the cracks - they still show

Our time - will still go.

I really like what your saying here, a very very very good metaphor. I can never make a ****ing working paper plane XD. I also really like the repeating line

Paper Planes, they can burn before your eyes,
Eyes on a target, target I despise.
And it goes, round and round to where it all began.
There's times we got nothing, nothing for our plans

Pretty vague, you can tell you were at a search for words here, also it doesn't flow as well. But you're not forcing rhymes and your not going very off topic, which is good.

Chorus:
I know who I am, don't forget to remember,
Time goes one way and I don't wanna fail forever.
Pay the price if you don't pull yourself together,
Time goes one way, and I don't wanna live forever.

Very nice, a tried and true message.

Paper Planes, they need repair after a while.
Been here before and still I put myself on trial.
And I hear "There's nothing wrong with going wrong, sometimes"
Drifting to a thankless sleep as the bells chime.

Ohh. I really really like this stanza. It's something I feel like I would say, and I don't often say stupid things It also flows well.

Chorus

If i knew where i was going, I'd be there by now
If i knew where i'd been, I'd get back there somehow
If i knew where i was going, I'd be there by now
If i knew where i'm going, I'd be long gone by now.

Chorus

Paper Planes, they can fly everytime you try,
All your greatest critics, they're forced into a smile
And if we, still cling on to all we need to dream
One way, you'll get everything you need.

I am indifferent to the last two stanzas. I don't dislike them, but they don't stand out to me either.

Thanks for reading.


It would be very nice of you to crit mine too
#4
thanks very much.
"What about the neighbours?? What they gonna say?? Stop little sister getting carried away" - SRV. The greatest guitarist of all time.
Quote by R_H_C_P

Evvo_gc_fan is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.


Quote by ScarredFaith

I liked it.
Is it about fucking?
#5
"There's times we got nothing, nothing for our plans"
that line should be "there are times" not "there's times".

and. the chorus seems to have lost all thought
in order to focus on being catchy and stuff.
i think you should change it to something that
doesn't seem to lose all depth and thought.

the rhymes in the verse, for the most part,
seem a bit forced but it's not THAT bad.
the rhymes could be a lot better though.

other than that, it was okay.
nothing terribly original though.

but i'm sure it would make a catchy song.

I just want to sleep forever.


#6
I really like the first stanza, but I didn't really care for the chorus, particularly the first line. But I really loved the metaphor you did for this, I don't think I've ever heard/read anything using paper airplanes for a metaphor. Other than the chorus I really didn't have a problem with this. Sorry for such a short crit.
#7
Hey dude thx for crit on my piece

Amazing song! dude im lookin forward to see more of your stuff up here
#8
The thing I like about it most is that is is totally original. I don't think I have ever heard a song with paper planes in it. I think with a little more work, you can have one excellent song!