#1
Decomposition
I once flicked a balled up price tag
at you
when you were in the middle of forming
a pyramid
out of plastic bags.

One of them fell on the floor
and was never seen again.
I don't think someone kept it:
Stockholm syndrome with methane,
with a snowmaker.

On the way home,
I accidentally stepped
in a puddle of polystyrene.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Jan 16, 2007,
#3
Trippy as ****, my friend. If I wasn't trippin' hard, I wouldn't have understood this.
Quote by Dæmönika
When I became ill last week, I had to make a critlist for people who came in and looked at my songs. Now, I've decided to make a cuntlist for The Pit. Starting with this thread. So far I have:

atreyu+a7xfan
Sailor Jerry
Dimebag22
Bobthemonkey14
#5
wtf? i didn't understand but i liked it 'cause i didn't understand
Green Day rox!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#8
Quote by punchupatatigge
bob, thats the best compliment i've ever gotten. no joke.


Glad to hear it, bro.

EDIT: Dude, you've been sigged.
Quote by Dæmönika
When I became ill last week, I had to make a critlist for people who came in and looked at my songs. Now, I've decided to make a cuntlist for The Pit. Starting with this thread. So far I have:

atreyu+a7xfan
Sailor Jerry
Dimebag22
Bobthemonkey14
Last edited by bobthemonkey14 at Jan 16, 2007,
#10
I once flicked a balled up price tag
at you
Not so sure about these line breaks. Not my style, really.
when you were in the middle of forming better verb maybe?
a pyramid
out of plastic bags. Again, line breaks...

One of them fell on the floor I still find the "them" ambiguous.
and was never seen again.
I don't think someone kept it: Someone or anyone?
Stockholm syndrome with methane, I don't follow the logic of your colon-ization. What comes after the colon doesn't fit with what precedes it, in my mind.
with a snowmaker.

On the way home,
This is weird because you never set up a setting to begin with.
I accidentally stepped
in a puddle of polystyrene.
I like the ending the best.
#11
Thanks for the crit, I didn't find it harsh, if someone didn't point out my faults I'd never get better at writing.

Stockholm syndrome with methane,
with a snowmaker.


I don't like the way you used with twice, it just sounds a little weird.
Polystyrene, you mean plastic, right? If so I made the connection between that, the plastic bags in the first stanza, and your title, I can't tell if they have any relavence to the meaning of the piece because I couldn't really figure it out. But figuring out what polystyrene meant helped me at least half way understand it. The more I figure out the more I like this.
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 17, 2007,
#14
sorry to bump, i know i've gotten alot of replies, but i feel unsatisfied for some reason. there is no sarcasm in that sentence.
#15
Well, I want to say that I like this, but to me it seems like you were trying to hard to be clever here.

And take one of the 'with's' in the last two lines of the second stanza.

Again, there just wasn't enough here for me to really care about what was happened. Maybe if you attacked it from a different angle, it might tickle my fancy a little more.

I got a new one, if you want to check it out.
#16
Quote by lespaul56
wtf? i didn't understand but i liked it 'cause i didn't understand

that is not a good reason to like something.

I don't think you have to take the second with out.

I had a hard time trying to figure out how one would build a pyramid out of plastic bags.

other than that I don't have much to say about this. I wanted to say I liked it because I really liked the first stanza but then the rest didn't do that much for me.

I did look up stockholm syndrome though which lead me to read about elizabeth smart. she's my age and knew french at 14 (when she was kidnapped.) I remember being 14 and hearing about it. yeah.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in