#1
This is basically the first poem ive ever written =P
crit it up, and check some of my songs out.

C4C


We walk through the halls,

they tell us to sit.

open our minds,

but dont think.

Our minds bring forth change,

thats censored by you.

forced to accept policy

and school rules.

"individuality is the key to success"

.....

now do what we tell you.

we rape your minds in one massive sweep.

so listen to us because were here to teach.
#2
Dosent have much of a flow but that might be different if I heard it read to me.
I'm a rockstar without the skills, fame, or income.


Washington Redskins
#3
Quote by beastiebeatles
Dosent have much of a flow but that might be different if I heard it read to me.

lmao.

i find it extreamly ironic that your icon

is what inspired this poem.

i have know about Rage for quite a while, but only recently went out and bought every album.

"we rape you minds in one massive sweep"

i got that line from the line, and general idea of

"The mass mind rape" in bullet in your head.
#4
first of all, it came across as really shallow.
it didn't really have any depth to it and
it was just really overly simplistic.
second of all, it had NOTHING original.
it was exactly like every single 'rebellion'
poem or song that i've ever heard.
it was just saying "screw authority"
in the same way every other song does.
it's like. just. ridiculously unoriginal.
so. yeah. work on originality and depth.

I just want to sleep forever.


#5
Quote by Grovermans
first of all, it came across as really shallow.
it didn't really have any depth to it and
it was just really overly simplistic.
second of all, it had NOTHING original.
it was exactly like every single 'rebellion'
poem or song that i've ever heard.
it was just saying "screw authority"
in the same way every other song does.
it's like. just. ridiculously unoriginal.
so. yeah. work on originality and depth.


way to burn.

a$$
#7
We walk through the halls,
they tell us to sit.
open our minds,
but dont think.---this would sound better as do not think
Our minds bring forth change,
thats censored by you.
forced to accept policy
and school rules.
"individuality is the key to success"------try getting rid of "policy and school rules" or "individuality is the key to success" either way would sound better.
.....--------not really needed
now do what we tell you.
we rape your minds in one massive sweep.
so listen to us because were here to teach.----i dont really like this ending its supposed to be a powerful and meaningful ending but to be honest its not and doesnt really do too much by being there and could finish at the end of the first stanza

Its not a great idea for a poem because this sort of thing has been done so many times but if you want to do this then maybe try it from a different angle or something. Also work on the flow in parts becuase in poems they will be read by other poems who will end up trying to create their own rhythms which may be impossible. Please check out one of mine cheers.
#8
We walk through the halls,

they tell us to sit.

open our minds,

but dont think.

Our minds bring forth change,

thats censored by you.

forced to accept policy

and school rules.====try to cut out school, and put 'more'

"individuality is the key to success"====this would suit ok in backround voices

.....

now do what we tell you.

we rape your minds in one massive sweep.

so listen to us because were here to teach.

this verse doesnt really fit well with first one, but u stole the
"we rape your minds in one massive sweep."
from that rage thing like u said. dont ever do that.
its ok, but like that one guy said, it isnt to original,its decent, but the fact that u stole that one phrase kinda angered me.

crit my newest if u could