#1
yes so i really like the lines in the bold and have yet to put them in a song and i joted this down.... needs work... lots, but please leave me some feed back


Waiting on you
Like waiting on the moon
Thought we'd be there
lost in your smile
Cause
When she walks with her hips boy
Everybody stares
They know her reputation
But nobody cares

Shell tease you with a kiss
And leave you with a smile
Dont know where im going
But ill be there for awhile
Cause
When she walks with her hips boy
Everybody stares
They know her reputation
But nobody cares



soooooo???
LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULER
Last edited by NotOneWithNames at Jan 16, 2007,
#3
thats pretty cool

wish i knew the beat. have trouble appreciating lyrics otherwise


keep it up tho
#4
not bad, oh and bumping is illegal here. but this verse
Waiting on you
Like waiting on the moon
Thought we'd be there
lost in your smile
Cause

the whole"liek waitin on the moon"
doesnt make sense, u should describe how its relates to waiting on the moon, to give it actually meaning because saying its liek waiting on the moon means nothin.

the lyrics in bold sound to me liek some pop/rap song, not really a rock song to me.


crit mine
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=514819

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=514001
#5
ive seen better but ragglefraggle is rite the bolded words sound like a rap or hiphop song i wish i new how the tempo goes but the lyris are purty gud

it sonds to me like the bold part is the chorus
#6
personally i prefer the non bold lines. some very nice imagery in there, definitly worth taking further. fill it out a bit more and you'll have a corker! my only complaint is that you've used smile twice making it sound a bit repetetive. but good overall

crit4crit?

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=515336
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