#1
Okay, so this is my newest piece that I am currently working on, I am almost done because this is more of a punk song but lets see how it works out...

Also....IT'S NOT EMO!!!! WOOHOO!!


Were just a bunch of robots
Mindless individuals in this world
Were just a bunch of robots
Mechanized humans in society

Were put together piece by piece
All of our thoughts,
Our actions
and our beliefs.

The society of man
Destroys the one who thinks on their own
Creativity and innovations are no more,
Cause this world
Is now just part of the run of the mill life.

(Chorus echo last word)
We're robots,
We're all the same
We're robots
Nothings ever different
We're robots
Programed by society
Because we are ROBOTS
==================

So there you have it, I hope every one can tell what i am talking about so yeah...I am very proud of this one, it lives up to Blood Not Tears.
Last edited by RavenKlown at Jan 16, 2007,
#2
Were just a bunch of robots
Mindless individuals in this world
Were just a bunch of robots
Mechanized humans in society

Although this doesn't rhyme, I can definitely see the rhythm and flow. This is obviously not the most powerful piece of the song, but it is a good intro. I don't know if I like how you use 'were just a bunch of robots' twice, but no big deal.


Were put together piece by piece
All of our thoughts,
Our actions
and our believes.

This is my favourite of the 3 verse parts. I don't know what it is about it, but this is great. I assume that you mean 'beliefs', not 'believes'. It kinda explains how everything around us, on TV, the government, everything shapes us away from being an individual into being what other people want us to be. At least that is how I interpreted it to be anyway.


The society of man
Destroys the one who thinks on their own
Creativity and innovations are no more,
Cause this world
Is now just part of the run of the mill life.

I especially like the last 3 lines of this, the 'run of the mill' phrase is pretty cool. Just as the above, it explains about how nobody can be creative and express themselves anymore, we are all just clones of what we really don't have much choice than to be sometimes. I can't really think of anything negative about this.



(Chorus)
We're robots,
We're all the same
We're robots
Nothings ever different
We're robots
Programed by society
Because we are ROBOTS

I can't really say a whole lot about this, as it has no really good lyrical stuff, just pretty much summing up the song. The thing I like the most is the repetition. If you made this into a song I could even imagine this part being repeated something like 4 times at the end, just to add a monotonous sense of repetition, same, same, everything is the same kinda thing.

I give this song 8.5/10. I really enjoyed it, you are definitely one of my favourite writers on UG. When I first skimmed through this I thought "WTF blood not tears is much better than this" but after reading through it a few times, I realize it is really well done. Good job.


If you want to crit my new one (Too many girls...) it is in my sig. That would be appreciated.
#3
introducing: robovocals.

I think the first four lines,

"
Were just a bunch of robots
Mindless individuals in this world
Were just a bunch of robots
Mechanized humans in society
"

is actually a great intro in my head, but I think it would work best with an industrial lead and a robotic vocal, whether done by messing with the mixer effects or something prerecorded (vocals would be best for lives) I am sure either way would personalize the song.
#4
Wow, thanks jhardcore , i wasn't expecting to get a fan this quick...haha, I will crit your stuff in a bit. You are almost exactly right about your interupitation of the song, but you forgot on minor detail, I'll let you ponder on that.

monotony is the main idea of this song, make it so monotonous that it drives the meaning into your head...Almost like brainwashing you... *wink Wink*

I am not sure how the music will sound but it will deffiantly be a creepy sounding style,soft vocals, maybe a voice box to make it creppy....Have the chorus reptead the final time with a robotic tone...I plan on adding something else...I havn't had time to yet, but i will let you know.

Thanks David Roby.

See, I wrote this last night. I wrote it after my dad was bitching at me for looking so diffrent, then i flipped through the tv and stopped on mtv and i was hit with the idea of this song...

Also, the reason why this one is so much better then the last two is because i was reading through my stuff, and realized that it was all so forced just about, but i worked with this and i just was bassiclly letting things flow without rhyming, because as all of you know by now ryhming is not that great if not used perfectly.

I plan on testing this style a little bit more but I am liking it.
#5
Well, I like songs with rhymes better. But considering your theme of the song about being robots (I don't think robots do rhymes ), it does have its good points. The intro's great for one, really catches attention.

Quote by RavenKlown
The society of man
Destroys the one who thinks on their own
Creativity and innovations are no more,
Cause this world
Is now just part of the run of the mill life.


I especially like this part.
#6
well.. english class did it again, way back in high school my english class read a short story about a world where everyone was forced to be like everyone else,, in everything. if they were strong they wore weights on there shoulders, arms and legs to weigh them down,, if they were smart, every time they thought a small device would send a shock to there brain disrupting there thoughs, and if they were beautiful, they would be forced to wear masks.

in the end a couple was watching there TV and a man on the tv entered a live studio thing and took off his weights, yanked his brain device out, took his mask off and due to his freedom they tried to force him back into his weights, tried to force him to return to being like everyone else,, in the end he started flying around the room doing unimaginablethings, but alas, he was shot and killed for being different,, I wish I remembered the name of this short story to give a better explanation, but maybe you could work this idea into this song or future songs with the "robot" concept

____________________________________
pardon my inteligence, I was accidently paying attention to school in my sleep

Please crit my song
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=502998
#7
Thanks for the comments on Their Game, and yes a lot would be screaming it would be done in a cross between BFMV and Metallica I think.

Were just a bunch of robots
Mindless individuals in this world
Were just a bunch of robots
Mechanized humans in society
I like it but 'a bunch of robots' sounds a bit childish, the word 'bunch' doesn't sound in tune with the more intellectual vocabulary used elsewhere.

Were put together piece by piece
All of our thoughts,
Our actions
and our beliefs.
I like this but I think you could make it better by making the repetition more blatant just remove all other words in lines 2, 3 and 4 so it's 'Our thoughts/Our actions/Our beliefs'

The society of man
Destroys the one who thinks on their own
Creativity and innovations are no more,
Cause this world
Is now just part of the run of the mill life.
Really like this except the last line not as intellectual as others a random line popped into my head when I though of what you could use instead which I reckon would work well 'Is now as grey as its own skies'

(Chorus echo last word)
We're robots,
We're all the same
We're robots
Nothings ever different
We're robots
Programed by society
Because we are ROBOTS
The repetition gets the idea across here but it all seems far to simple it needs some elaboration but then again it does convey the idea that everything is the same and mechanical with the repetition of 'We're robots' so mixed opinions on this stanza really.

Overall is quite good and I like the overall statement its also very different from Blood Not Tears (which is also good) which shows that you can vary the styles of your work and diversity is a very good thing to have.
Lyrics Crit 4 Crit
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Jus Ad Bellum (10-05-2009)

Quote by ragebass89
That is ****in awesome! I mean not that he died, but the fact that monkeys killed him.