#1
hey i know iv posted this song twice but i would reli like help iv now added sum more soo if u wouldnt mind taking some time 2 help. this song has a fast beat and will have double bass drumming and a metaly theme to this song.

chorus:
you take the pain and pressure
you take my life
all i did was care for you
all i did was care

verse1:
iv given you all my love
wish i could have given more
cant replace what you have taken
cant replace love you took
when will you learn pain dosent leave
it stays in mind, body, soul
i will always greve

verse 2:
you can take the pain
i will always care
it seems i am the only one
now im gunna run
with this life i dnt care

chorus:
you take the pain and pressure
you take my life
all i did was care for you
all i did was care

verse 3:

why care anymore
why live with you
iv tryed my hardest
and all you do is split

chorus:
you take the pain and pressure
you take my life
all i did was care for you
all i did was care

verse 4:
iv had it with these lies
iv flipped and now im gunna kick
all you have caused is pain
all you have done is put pressure

outro:
(shouted) pain and pressure
pain and pressure
pain and pressure
pain and pressure
(fades out)
#2
It's pretty good, but I think you overuse "you" "i've" and "all you". Try mixing up your vocabulary and avoid cliches if possible and it could be a strong song
#3
thnx man its all i could think off nd bein a guitarist i write songs with my hands not with my head lol. ye ill try edit them out soon asoon as i get more ideas thnx man great help.
any more ideas will b greatly appreacated about flow nd rythm and stuff like that.
#4
its not bad, but id agree with won gonk said. also the majority of people here play guitar (either bass, classical, electric etc) lol. keep trying
#7
it seems i am the only one
now im gunna run

This part sounded kind of off beat to me. the words and rhyme flow well but I feel that the words are a bit cliche and unoriginal. Still, like you said, you're a guitarist. Write a riff for it and it will probably sound good.
#8
Well what I was getting at is, try and change up the word use a bit, and try to put more of yourself into.
#9
you take the pain and pressure
you take my life
all i did was care for you
all i did was care

One thing I'd like to point out, try not to overuse 'you' here. It's fine in the first two lines, but in the third line, it's ruins the parallel structure you have going. To liven this up and really set it apart from every other song, I would suggest using a stronger, more specific verb than take.

verse1:
iv given you all my love
wish i could have given more
cant replace what you have taken
cant replace love you took
when will you learn pain dosent leave
it stays in mind, body, soul
i will always greve

In the fourth line, I would suggest using something other than 'love', try not to overuse it. Also the last line doesn't flow or fit well with the rest of the verse. Seems almost random, stuck there for rhyming purposes.

verse 2:
you can take the pain
i will always care
it seems i am the only one
now im gunna run
with this life i dnt care

This, IMO, is the weakest verse. It's generic and sounds like any average song out there. One specific thing I would highly suggest changing, in the third line, the word 'gunna'. It seems juvenile and doesn't match the tone of the song. Put a better verb there.

chorus:
you take the pain and pressure
you take my life
all i did was care for you
all i did was care

verse 3:

why care anymore
why live with you
iv tryed my hardest
and all you do is split

This is great. Nothing to really change here.

chorus:
you take the pain and pressure
you take my life
all i did was care for you
all i did was care

verse 4:
iv had it with these lies
iv flipped and now im gunna kick
all you have caused is pain
all you have done is put pressure

Same thing I mentioned in the other verse for the second line. The last line could use some rephrasing. I like the general concept you're trying to push, you just need a better delivery.

outro:
(shouted) pain and pressure
pain and pressure
pain and pressure
pain and pressure
(fades out)

Great ending. Overall, this is cool. With some minimal revisions, this could be really great. One more suggestion, the title seems kinda cliche and average. I would rename if I were you, just to make the song look better.

Well, I hope this helps. Great job, man.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#10
In the last line of the chorus, take out care and put something else. You already told me it, why tell me it again?...other than that its alright
#11
I think you need to change some of the words to add a bit more variety. "Care" and "pain" are maybe used slightly too often. Apart from that though, good song. It would definately work well with the kind of music you suggested. Thanks for commenting on King of the Chavs!