#1
I know it's cliché. Some tips on how I could fix that or anything else would be good. Wuv you <33 Since I'm a wannabe I'll do Crit4Crit.

A Lifetime is a Day (CGDGBD capo 4)

My little umbrella you keep me dry,
On those days when the sky cries.
There are no clouds to lean on or fall through.
My little umbrella you keep me safe and warm.
I'll admit it's something I've never had before.

With hair crossing your eyes and
A pair of black glasses.
A patient smile.

My little umbrella you cover me with shade,
On the first day of June.
I can hardly breathe but I feel lighter.
I could listen to you breathe for hours.
And hours and I do.
But it means more to me than it does to you.

The red shirt that I like and
A locket around your neck.
The same pair of jeans
From last week.

You're why the world spins.
You're why I dream when I'm awake.
You're why spring begins.
You're forever and it'll stay that way.
You're why the world spins.
(You save me from the nights where I thought I'd be without you.
But you're always there silent beneath my sheets.)
You're why I dream when I'm awake.
(We stay awake until morning comes cheek against cheek when the light peeks in)
You're forever and it'll stay that way.
(Through our transparent curtains. And I can see your eyes the widest they've ever been.)

The red shirt that I like and
A locket around your neck.
You're the girl I won't forget.
#3
^stfu asshole.

ill get to this in a minute, I just wanted to let that guy know he is a douchebag +1.
#4
Quote by FatKidsOnMopeds</3
I know it's cliché. Some tips on how I could fix that or anything else would be good. Wuv you <33 Since I'm a wannabe I'll do Crit4Crit.

A Lifetime is a Day (CGDGBD capo 4)

My little umbrella you keep me dry,
On those days when the sky cries.
There are no clouds to lean on or fall through.
My little umbrella you keep me safe and warm.
I'll admit it's something I've never had before.

the "My Little Umbrella" thing kinda annoys me, but other than that, there's nothing I'd change.

With hair crossing your eyes and
A pair of black glasses.
A patient smile.

Great stuff right there.

My little umbrella you cover me with shade,
On the first day of June.
I can hardly breathe but I feel lighter.
I could listen to you breathe for hours.
And hours and I do.
But it means more to me than it does to you.

Those last three lines are, simply put, beautiful. The first three aren't bad, either.

The red shirt that I like and
A locket around your neck.
The same pair of jeans
From last week.

That last line seemed kinda outta nowhere and broke the flow a bit.

You're why the world spins.
You're why I dream when I'm awake.
You're why spring begins.
You're forever and it'll stay that way.
You're why the world spins.
(You save me from the nights where I thought I'd be without you.
But you're always there silent beneath my sheets.)
You're why I dream when I'm awake.
(We stay awake until morning comes cheek against cheek when the light peeks in)
You're forever and it'll stay that way.
(Through our transparent curtains. And I can see your eyes the widest they've ever been.)

The repetition of "You're" just doesn't do it for me. Other than that, fuggin awesome.

The red shirt that I like and
A locket around your neck.
You're the girl I won't forget.

Bliss, pure and simple.

Overall, another great piece from another great writer.
Wade in the water, child.
#5
Quote by LuckyBoys91
your gay, go suck dr.suess' penis


good job. if you're going to use a joke from a movie at least use correct grammar lolz

edit: i can take out the from last week but it just flows with the music, as well as the you're. but i'll see if I can change that.
#6
that was ridiculously cute, andrew.
it was cliche, but i still loved it.
it made me feel happy.

the only thing i'd add is just
a bit more description
in the second stanza cause
i think you could expand on it
and it would add a lot to the song.

but i really liked it.
it was so cute.

I just want to sleep forever.


#8
Quote by LuckyBoys91
your gay, go suck dr.suess' penis


1 warning for bad spelling, the other for living a pointless existance.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#9
Quote by FatKidsOnMopeds</3
hehehehe
yeah, that's pretty much what I was going for.

What ways could I improve the description and detail of the second stanza.
o you mean work on the part I have no or add more to it?

add more description.
like. go on further.
keep describing it.

I just want to sleep forever.


#10
you do emo better than anyone I know
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#11
Stanza one : I liked it. Strong, cute opening.

Stanza two : I'm mixed up. I think it's shortness makes it cute, also more relatable than if you'd add more description. But on the other end, I agree with Kyle, it could really really add to the piece. Depends of your intentions writing that one, I guess.

Stanza three : I didn't think the repetition of "breathe" was pulled off well. I wouldn't know what to do with that, though. I would usually complain about the last line, but since it's you it'll do .

Stanza four : I feel like it should be "the same pair of jeans as last week" or "that same pair of jeans from last week", either one of those would make it work better than it is now. maybe starting of the stanza with a short line like "you wear" and that's all, just to introduce it better. Plus, it feels addable to me in a song. Like. Backed vocals right before the verse or somethin'.

Stanza five : Having a hard time with the flow here, but I guess you have it all figured out already. In L3 I'd change why to where so it does "you're where spring begins", would had a diversity and introduce L4 better, imo.

Stanza six : Didn't point it out in the earlier stanza, but it reminded me of Regina Spektor for some reason. Not in a bad way though, just the way I read it.

Overall, this was pretty good. Knowing what you're going to musically really helps and gives a dimension to this piece that, I think, it would lack otherwise. You're great at what you're doing, keep going.

<3,
-Mathieu

(I barely ever heart anything so feel special )
#12
It's cute. Typical you.

How'd the French song go?
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#14
A Lifetime is a Day (CGDGBD capo 4)

My little umbrella you keep me dry,
On those days when the sky cries.
There are no clouds to lean on or fall through.
My little umbrella you keep me safe and warm.
I'll admit it's something I've never had before.
somewhat sappy but somewhat original despite the "cliche" warning in your post.

With hair crossing your eyes and
A pair of black glasses.
A patient smile.
A good description.

My little umbrella you cover me with shade,
On the first day of June.
I can hardly breathe but I feel lighter.
I could listen to you breathe for hours.
And hours and I do.
But it means more to me than it does to you.
Seems kind of girly to wear an umbrella for shade, bro, but its not a bad line. simplicity and straight-forwardness at its best.

The red shirt that I like and
A locket around your neck.
The same pair of jeans
From last week.
haha, no qualms.

You're why the world spins.
You're why I dream when I'm awake.
You're why spring begins.
You're forever and it'll stay that way.
You're why the world spins.
(You save me from the nights where I thought I'd be without you.
But you're always there silent beneath my sheets.)
You're why I dream when I'm awake.
(We stay awake until morning comes cheek against cheek when the light peeks in)
You're forever and it'll stay that way.
(Through our transparent curtains. And I can see your eyes the widest they've ever been.)
this is the more cliche part of the song, but its cliche in a reasonable way. The second half is better than the first on the cliche rating scale.

The red shirt that I like and
A locket around your neck.
You're the girl I won't forget.
Changed it up, classic emo ender.

Overall this was very fitting for music though the lyrics are simple and straightforward, but again, classic emo.

by teh way i was full critting in hopes you would check out my newest piece (probably on the second page. Ovalish Orange)
#17
You're why the world spins.
You're why I dream when I'm awake.
You're why spring begins.
You're forever and it'll stay that way.
You're why the world spins.
(You save me from the nights where I thought I'd be without you.
But you're always there silent beneath my sheets.)
You're why I dream when I'm awake.
(We stay awake until morning comes cheek against cheek when the light peeks in)
You're forever and it'll stay that way.
(Through our transparent curtains. And I can see your eyes the widest they've ever been.)

This part sucks.

You should take it out.

The rest of the piece has a childish air about it and then you get like a New Found Glory level "chorus".