#1
This was the first time I tried to go without rhyming during the verses. Some lines I really like but there's a few I don't. Tell me what you think. c4c but I need a link to your song to crit it.

I Threw Myself

I've got seven minutes left to take you home
Or wherever you'd like to be
And I've got seven dollars left to make you happy
Blow it any way you want
But see these teenage hormones they piss me off
Because they bring out the worst in me
And I can get this sick every other day
If I feel like staying in bed

I threw myself I threw myself out there
I've got so many better things to do
I threw myself I threw myself out there
What should I expect from you?

I've got this pen and this paper to show you what
I've thought of in my sleep
And there's a few last words I've left unsaid
that should remain silent
There's just a few minutes left till the sun goes down
And the night begins
There's just a few days left till we dissapear
And we'll all be gone

I threw myself I threw myself out there
I've got so many better things to do
I threw myself I threw myself out there
What should I expect from you?

There's only one bullet left in this here gun
We better use it wisely
I can't stand to see you cry much longer
Because it's all my fault

I threw myself I threw myself out there
I've got so many better things to do
I threw myself I threw myself out there
What should I expect from you?
Last edited by private at Jan 16, 2007,
#2
I like this, especially the first verse its very interesting. The chorus works I think except for the last line. I don't think the "stripped down in plain view" line flows very well..at least not when I read it but maybe you could make it work when you put it to music. The bullet part kind of threw me off because I wasn't expecting it to become that serious. but once I got used to the idea of the song being more dramatic it goes pretty well. I think if you just made the last line in the chorus a lot stronger the piece would feel a lot more complete. This is good though I think it'd be a cool song.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=504148
#5
idk if the first verse fits so well in this song cause it seems kinda light hearted then it gets serious by the next verse... maybe rework it? idk well thnx for the crit. laters

~Ellis
"the world will not know true peace until the power of love overcomes the love of power"
-Jimi Hendrix
#6
I Threw Myself

I've got seven minutes left to take you home
Or wherever you'd like to be
And I've got seven dollars left to make you happy
Blow it any way you want
But see these teenage hormones they piss me off
Because they bring out the worst in me
And I can get this sick every other day
If I feel like staying in bed

I like those first two lines... I might change the second to "Or wherever you want to go", just because the be/happy sounds awkward to me. Line 4+5+6+7 don't read very well to me, especially "these teenage hormones they piss me off". "Because they bring out the worst in me" That's not working... And line 7, I just don't understand.

I threw myself I threw myself out there
I've got so many better things to do
I threw myself I threw myself out there
What should I expect from you?

Your brain-to-finger thought process isn't very consistant here.

I've got this pen and this paper to show you what
I've thought of in my sleep
And there's a few last words I've left unsaid
that should remain silent
There's just a few minutes left till the sun goes down
And the night begins
There's just a few days left till we dissapear
And we'll all be gone

Seperating sentences in lines isn't working for me here. You also note the obvious too often.


There's only one bullet left in this here gun
We better use it wisely
I can't stand to see you cry much longer
Because it's all my fault

This is a pretty drastic turn without much background info...

Overall, this is very sloppy bud. Your readers need to know more about this story.

When you get a chance

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=504080

-Jacob
#7
Very relatable, at least I can see where your coming from. I was a good piece overall, the only complaint I have is the I threw myself stanzas get a little repeditive. Sorry for such a short crit, I just don't really have any problems with it.
#8
listen to jacob
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#9
This was the first time I tried to go without rhyming during the verses. Some lines I really like but there's a few I don't. Tell me what you think. c4c but I need a link to your song to crit it.

I Threw Myself

I've got seven minutes left to take you home
Or wherever you'd like to be
And I've got seven dollars left to make you happy
Blow it any way you want
But see these teenage hormones they piss me off
Because they bring out the worst in me
And I can get this sick every other day
If I feel like staying in bed

instead of blow spend can be another good option

I threw myself I threw myself out there
I've got so many better things to do
I threw myself I threw myself out there
What should I expect from you?

I've got this pen and this paper to show you what
I've thought of in my sleep
And there's a few last words I've left unsaid
that should remain silent
There's just a few minutes left till the sun goes down
And the night begins
i liked this lines

And try but
There's just a few days left till we dissapear
And we'll all be gone

I threw myself I threw myself out there
I've got so many better things to do
I threw myself I threw myself out there
What should I expect from you?

There's only one bullet left in this here gun

We better use it wisely
I can't stand to see you cry much longer
Because it's all my fault


i didnt get in this here gun i think u mistyped it

I threw myself I threw myself out there
I've got so many better things to do
I threw myself I threw myself out there
What should I expect from you?
Hi