#1
Crit4Crit
I decided I should write something, I haven't written anything in like a week, so I'm gonna do one on the spot. Done: Everyone will probably say this is cliche, and probably won't like it, but oh well.


"Cupid's Poison (Yesterday)"

A symbol of love is
an arrow through a heart
but this one was laced with venom
designed to rip me apart
I was damned from the start

Every bit of poison
had to run a course
through my veins
The poisons still there
reminding me of the pain
The poison will never let me
escape yesterday
and that day
is getting farther away
but it's still what it feels like
Yesterday
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 16, 2007,
#2
I liked your ending. A subtle way of showing it can't get any worse. Nice touch.

Yes, the rest was pretty cliche and not out of the ordinary. Punctuation is definitely needed, especially in that second stanza, a bit of a mess to read.

My WoTM January Nominee
#3
Quote by stratkat
Crit4Crit
I decided I should write something, I haven't written anything in like a week, so I'm gonna do one on the spot. Done: Everyone will probably say this is cliche, and probably won't like it, but oh well.


"Cupid's Poison (Yesterday)"

A symbol of love is
an arrow through a heart
but this one was laced with venom
designed to rip me apart
I was damned from the start

It was good up until that last line. Forced rhyming to da maxxx.

Every bit of poison
had to run a course
through my veins
The poisons still there
reminding me of the pain
The poison will never let me
escape yesterday
and yesterday
is getting farther away
but it's still what it feels like
Yesterday

I think that you repeated poison and yesterday uberly much, and that really took away from the piece.

It was okay. It's just, you're a great writer, and could've done so much better.
Wade in the water, child.
#4
"Cupid's Poison (Yesterday)"

A symbol of love is
an arrow through a heart
but this one was laced with venom
designed to rip me apart
I was damned from the start


Line 4's rhyme seems very forced... seeing as a characteristic of venom isn't typically ripping things apart.


Every bit of poison
had to run a course
through my veins
The poisons still there
reminding me of the pain
The poison will never let me
escape yesterday
and yesterday
is getting farther away
but it's still what it feels like
Yesterday

Your repetition of words isn't very effective. I also find it odd that you use rhyme in your first verse, while this one doesn't even come close to using a meter.

That's the only advice I can offer really, oh also, I wouldn't write on the spot just for the sake of writing. And if you do, make sure you put a maximum ammount of effort into said piece.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=504080

that's my latest, whenever you get the time.

-Jacob
#5
A symbol of love is
an arrow through a heart
but this one was laced with venom
designed to rip me apart
I was damned from the start
Very creepy, very melancholy, I like it. I don't like the fiffh line too much I don't think it's nescesary

Every bit of poison
had to run a course
through my veins
The poisons still there
reminding me of the pain
The poison will never let me
escape yesterday
and yesterday
is getting farther away
but it's still what it feels like
Yesterday
Again very melancholy but I like that. I can't believe you wrote this on the spot

Well I didn't find it to be that cliche at all. It was very original. I like the way you use yesterday at the end. Great poem. If I read this without knowing you just wrote it on the spot, I would have thought it had take you forever. My new one's in my sig.
#6
Thanks everyone, I'll try to get to all yours tonight.

Does anyone else have a comment?
Last edited by stratkat at Jan 16, 2007,
#7
Yeah, sure I'll crit this, esp since i need some critique on my latest. (top of sig).


Quote by stratkat

"Cupid's Poison (Yesterday)"

A symbol of love is
an arrow through a heart
but this one was laced with venom
designed to rip me apart
I was damned from the start
I absolutely hate this stanza. I'm sorry. OTS has no effect on how I critique or read poetry, so that is no explanation. What it seems like to me is that you want to spell it out to the reader, so much that you kill anything you were trying to imply with elementary explanation and that nursery rhyme feeling you get from heart-apart-start. Venom was a bad word choice, and the first two lines were purely unnecessary. And with that, that is definitely something you need to work on with your writing - brevity. I have by no means done well by it, but I figured its a good explanation. Everything you do, there are no blank spaces for the reader to fill in, you draw a solid line thats mediocre at best, and there is no room for implied power in your words.

Every bit of poison
had to run a course
through my veins
The poisons still there
reminding me of the pain
The poison will never let me
escape yesterday
and yesterday
is getting farther away
but it's still what it feels like
Yesterday
You really like reminders and pain. The repetition of poison was not very good. I felt the first (and second possibly) line was badly worded and out of place. Doubling up of yesterday was not well done either, it adds nothing to this piece. If you ewre aiming for melancholy, that vagueness and calmness in those last four lines were somewhat that. Sorry, tripling up of yesterday destroys the effect of the ending imo. As does the rhyming. the second to last line could use some rewording.


needs some work.

If you could take a look at my latest. By the way, this is all my opinion, so don't take it all to heart.
#8
I'll definately take some of that into consideration, especially how you said I spell it out for the reader, maybe I'll try writing something different and branch out more. Thanks for the crit, I'll get to yours tomorrow, I'm going to bed now.
#9
A symbol of love is
an arrow through a heart
but this one was laced with venom
designed to rip me apart
I was damned from the start

a strong opening i liked it .one suggestion though instead of damned try doomed or stupid they will sound much better
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Jan 17, 2007,