#1
Alright, I'm not so sure about the quality of this one.... I was confused about the situation when I wrote it so I feel like it will be confusing to the reader/listener..... anyhoo, let me know what you think and as always crit4crit

follow me blindly

Verse 1:
I see you behind me
eyes burning into my back
Your staring so intently
holding nothing back
You want what I can't give you
I want what you don't have
Your following me so blindly
But I'm following you right back

Chorus:
Jaded and decieved
your eyes should not believe
the crazy things you see
when you follow me

Cause I'm following you
and everything you do
I'm jaded just like you
I know not what to do

Verse 2:
Can you see me behind you?
desire burning strong
I'm watching what's not true
I know that I am wrong
I want what you can't give me
you want what I don't have
My eyes are only watching you
While your watching me right back

Chorus:
Jaded and decieved
your eyes should not believe
the crazy things you see
when you follow me

cause I'm following you
and everything you do
I'm jaded just like you
I know not what to do

Outro:
The blind lead the blind
Like I lead you on
The blind lead the blind
following me is wrong
#2
Verse 1:
I see you behind me
eyes burning into my back
Your staring so intently
holding nothing back
You want what I can't give you
I want what you don't have
Your following me so blindly
But I'm following you right back
I don't like how you use back and back in the second and fourth lines. And the last two lines have potential I'd try to revise that part. I really like the sixth line

Chorus:
Jaded and decieved
your eyes should not believe
the crazy things you see
when you follow me
too much rhyming here. Try to change it up you don't have to rhyme


Cause I'm following you
and everything you do
I'm jaded just like you
I know not what to do
too much rhyming here. Try to change it up you don't have to rhyme


Verse 2:
Can you see me behind you?
desire burning strong
I'm watching what's not true
I know that I am wrong
I want what you can't give me
you want what I don't have
My eyes are only watching you
While your watching me right back
Your rhymes seem too forced here

Chorus:
Jaded and decieved
your eyes should not believe
the crazy things you see
when you follow me

cause I'm following you
and everything you do
I'm jaded just like you
I know not what to do

Outro:
The blind lead the blind
Like I lead you on
The blind lead the blind
following me is wrong
I do like this part this is deffinately my favorite part


Ok you don't have to rhyme and I'm sure you've heard that before. It's tough to understand at first but trust me you'll get it. It just takes practice. Try revising this to make it sound not as forced. My new ones in my sig.
#3
Verse 1:
I see you behind me
eyes burning into my back
Your staring so intently
holding nothing back
You want what I can't give you
I want what you don't have
Your following me so blindly
But I'm following you right back

This is alright, I'm not very fond of your repetition of the word "back"... kind of grinds my gears.

Chorus:
Jaded and decieved
your eyes should not believe
the crazy things you see
when you follow me

Ehh AAAA is hard to pull off, you did it OKAY, but it seems very forced. I would probably get sick of hearing this chorus.

Cause I'm following you
and everything you do
I'm jaded just like you
I know not what to do

I'm not sure where the effect to the "cause" was. The last line is ehh a very common example of forced rhyme.

Verse 2:
Can you see me behind you?
desire burning strong
I'm watching what's not true
I know that I am wrong
I want what you can't give me
you want what I don't have
My eyes are only watching you
While your watching me right back

This seems very sloppily compiled. Organize your thoughts better.

Outro:
The blind lead the blind
Like I lead you on
The blind lead the blind
following me is wrong

I'm not very fond of the repetition of lead in the first and second line. I'm also not sure how you've lead her on.

Overall, I think you need to organize your thoughts better to allow your audience to understand the situation more clearly.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=504080 is my latest, whenever you can get to it

-Jacob
#5
I like the first verse but after that it seems to just get pretty repetitive. The chorus, eh I don't really like the word jaded used so much. I don't know though I can see this working, especially the chorus, as a three days grace type song. All in all i like your other stuff way better but thats not to say this is bad. I think it just needs a lot more variation...while I'm reading I just picture someone following a girl around the entire time. just think it could use some other ideas.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=504148
#6
Verse 1:
I see you behind me
eyes burning into my back
Your staring so intently
holding nothing back
You want what I can't give you
I want what you don't have
Your following me so blindly
But I'm following you right back

like guys above me said about back i agree with them but i liked this verse

Chorus:
Jaded and decieved
your eyes should not believe
the crazy things you see
when you follow me

Cause I'm following you
and everything you do
I'm jaded just like you
I know not what to do


chorus is not a bit catchy as verse and las t line change it to

i don't know what to do it will bw much better


Verse 2:
Can you see me behind you?
desire burning strong
I'm watching what's not true
I know that I am wrong
I want what you can't give me
you want what I don't have
My eyes are only watching you
While your watching me right back


these lines are good

Chorus:
Jaded and decieved
your eyes should not believe
the crazy things you see
when you follow me

cause I'm following you
and everything you do
I'm jaded just like you
I know not what to do

Outro:
The blind lead the blind lead or leads or u can try follows
Like I lead you on
The blind lead the blind
following me is wrong
Hi
#7
Verse 1:
I see you behind me
eyes burning into my back
Your staring so intently
holding nothing back
You want what I can't give you
I want what you don't have
Your following me so blindly
But I'm following you right back
This verse is incredible except for the fact that you use back so often (sorry to sound like a broken record)

chorus:
Jaded and decieved
your eyes should not believe
the crazy things you see
when you follow me

Cause I'm following you
and everything you do
I'm jaded just like you
I know not what to do

I don't really like the rhyme scheme here, although it might go with the music you plan to put to this (what genre is it?) Because it's VERY hard to make it not seem forced. I think you did better with it than most would, though. Except for the last line.

Verse 2:
Can you see me behind you?
desire burning strong
I'm watching what's not true
I know that I am wrong
how are you supposed to be wrong? This is too vague and very forced rhyming.
I want what you can't give me
you want what I don't have
My eyes are only watching you
While your watching me right back

these last four lines are awesome and my favorite. I don't see any changes needed.

Outro:
The blind lead the blind
Like I lead you on
The blind lead the blind
following me is wrong
This is great, also. Wouldn't change a thing.

I hope this criticizm was constructed enough. And overall I give it a 85/100. Very good.

-Red
Last edited by Redd_17 at Jan 17, 2007,
#8
thanks for all the crits guys, I am working on changing it and I will edit the post soon.... just to let you guys know it kind of has a three days grace music style to it..... if I havent critted back pm me, i dont think i missed any though.. once again thanks for the help
#9
Quote by C@sper

follow me blindly

Verse 1:
I see you behind me
eyes burning into my back
Your staring so intently
holding nothing back
You want what I can't give you
I want what you don't have
Your following me so blindly
But I'm following you right back

Okay, wow the seconed piece of yours i've read, and I like it! Okay to start the crit...Rhyming back with back is sorta arbitrary....not bad, but you could do something better...don't know what but it's good. I love the last 4 lines.

Chorus:
Jaded and decieved
your eyes should not believe
the crazy things you see
when you follow me

Cause I'm following you
and everything you do
I'm jaded just like you
I know not what to do

Personally i cannot stand this chours...work on it

Verse 2:
Can you see me behind you?
desire burning strong
I'm watching what's not true
I know that I am wrong
I want what you can't give me
you want what I don't have
My eyes are only watching you
While your watching me right back

Chorus:
Jaded and decieved
your eyes should not believe
the crazy things you see
when you follow me

cause I'm following you
and everything you do
I'm jaded just like you
I know not what to do

Outro:
The blind lead the blind
Like I lead you on
The blind lead the blind
following me is wrong


Eh I ran short on time but i'll get back to the last lines later...my new stuf should be pleasing!